[stopdog]

I can't figure out if she thinks I am moron or if she is a moron or if she simply can't handle silence.

"You don't like being humiliated" = really? what is this supposed to mean? Who the hell likes to be humiliated? It was not even the point of why I was relating the incident.

"Stupidity of others frustrates you" = yes - of course it does. Who goes hurrah - I am dealing with an idiot? Again her response was not even related to the point of why I was relating the incident.

"Your response was normal" I don't ****ing care if it was normal or not -I did not ask if it was abnormal - I did not imply it was not normal. I did not say I was a unique ****ing little snowflake. Why on earth are you responding with it is normal?

"I think it is good you did X" - I didn't ask your ****ing permission. I don't need your ****ing approval.

And her **** with me response when I ask is that she did not really have a reason. Then shut the **** up if you don't have a reason to say something.
Quit messing with me.

Does the one you see do things like this? Are such statements from those guys useful for you?
I am not asking for advice or interpretation on what I do.

[growlycat]

Both my T's have parroted back what I've just said, usually because in that moment they are attempting to be "validating" or, they don't wan't to challenge me in that moment/avoiding an argument. For me, the "validating" is annoying because anyone can repeat stuff back to you.

Thankfully, they don't do it often. But this is a big reason why I avoid crisis lines and chats. It feels like they are just mirroring anything you say. Feels like talking to the bottom of a well-- empty and echo-y.

[JaneTennison1]

I find statements like this validating for the most part. It's interesting her observations. That being said she has some statements that are obvious. One time she asked "do you ever feel guilty?" no freaking duh.

[pbutton]

My stopdoggish side really enjoys your answers.

[laxer12]

She is probably saying that stuff to simply validate you, whether or not you actually need that from her. The first two statements are to show you that she understands what you're trying to say or express to her.

I would not be bothered if my T said any of that stuff because I know that she is just trying to build a relationship with me and show me that she understands. Sometimes I like it when she says that type of stuff and other times I just don't know how to respond to it. It doesn't frustrate me though.

If i say a particularly profane word he will repeat it back. He does it every time i say it so i am thinking he not comfortable with it. I dont see why he does it it seems pointless to me.

[WrkNPrgress]

This is a common practice, yes. Exact parroting can be tedious but A lot of therapists use mirroring to make sure the client feels heard and understood. it's also helps Both the the T and the client focus on what you're actually, literallly, saying rather than presumptions or interpretations.

Many people find it validating because we often fight to Have or feelings or heard in our daily lives or on top of that people often have difficulty articulating what they do feel.

[stopdog]

I guess I don't see what the first one I see does as mirroring because it is never the point of what I was saying in the first place and secondly - no **** - so ****ing what? I am not an idiot - I know I don't like to be humiliated. I don't need a therapist to tell me that. If she wanted to do an accurate mirroring =she could say "I see you don't find it useful when I state the obvious and treat you like you are a moron"

These statements she makes are NOT the point of what I am trying to get at. Her statements make it seem like she is NOT listening to what I am saying.
I don't feel heard, affirmed, validated or listened to when she says these sorts of pointless, obvious, useless pap that have NOTHING at all to do with the point I am trying to get across.

[Lauliza]

I agree saying "you don't like being humiliated" is a dumb thing to say. It sounds a bit like she's reaching for things to say because she feels like she should say something. The other things are probably an effort to show you she's listening and, yes, probably to just to ease some discomfort with silence.

[growlycat]

To me, personally, validation looks more like a re-phrasing of what I've said, not an exact repetition of what I've said. Rephrasing helps me understand that they have digested and understood what I was getting at.

[stopdog]

Her responses do not make me feel heard because they never have anything to do with what I was trying to convey.
Plus I tell do her all the time (or at least all the time when I stupidly let her talk) this sort of thing is not useful because I don't see the point in them and I don't see how they relate to what I was trying to convey.

It is a good thing we are having a break for about a month right now.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Her responses do not make me feel heard because they never have anything to do with what I was trying to convey.

You would think they would figure this out already. I only know you as much as I know you here but I think it would not be helpful to say such simplistic things to you.

I guess for me, I appreciated when she did that, because it showed me she was actually listening to me - since we talked on the phone, there were no visual clues that she was paying attention. On the phone, if she didn't do that, I might have wondered if she was oh, playing solitaire on her computer instead of listening to me or something. I'm quite amazed at how she (appeared to anyway) stay focused and didn't wander off mentally during our phone calls.

[stopdog]

would it seem like they were listening if the response had nothing to do with the point you were trying to make?

[scorpiosis37]

I would find those kinds of statements useless and annoying as well. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes my T will say things in an attempt to assure me that my reaction is normal-- or she will respond to me in the way she thinks a "normal" person would, in an attempt to demonstrate a healthy reaction as opposed to how my family reacted. I've told her that I hate it when she does this, as it serves no purpose for me. I'm perfectly aware of how a "normal" person would react, and that my family is not normal. I don't need her to say or demonstrate this. I've found that I simply need to tell my T when she is doing this, and reiterate that I don't find it helpful. Once I say this, she will stop doing it and then we can move on to something more useful. I think you've said before stopdog that you "train" your Ts how to respond to you. I do the same. Lately, my T has been catching on more and more, which is really nice. The more I tell her what I want (and don't want), the more I find her to be helpful.

[stopdog]

The therapist and I both seem to have flat learning curves on this:
she does not learn even though I tell her every single time she talks that such stuff is useless and frustrating
= and I sometimes say okay go ahead when she says she has something to say because I sometimes hope she will say something not entirely stupid or pointless. (Usually I say no because I know she will not say anything useful - she has thus far never proven me wrong).

[Bill3]

These statements she makes are NOT the point of what I am trying to get at. Her statements make it seem like she is NOT listening to what I am saying.

What if in making such a statement she showed that she was listening and that she understood exactly what you were saying?

My ex-t similarly didn't used to get the point of why I said things. I'm in the wonderful position if finding that my new T of 6 weeks has been completely different so far, she gets everything, and also does something with it.

[stopdog]

The second one I see did not do this much to begin with and backed off even more when I told her it was not useful.

[brillskep]

What you quoted sounds a bit like naming / validating emotions, normalizing behavior. Those are things many therapists do, but I suppose these could be dome with more thought and complexity to be of use to you.

My therapist has never said something like "you don't like to be humiliated". Some things are obvious. But he has on occasion named my emotions before I noticed or before I talked about them. I guess it usually helps to move the conversation forward. He does normalize behavior sometimes (saying something I feel is normal) - not very often but when he does it's helpful if I have doubts whether that particular thing was normal. Unfortunately I don't remember one time in particular right now. I usually find it particularly useful when he says he thinks something I did was good, but that's because I care about what he thinks and I understand how that would be intruding if the client doesn't care what the therapist thinks.

Usually the things my therapist says don't feel pointless to me even it it's something I know. He has at times said things that I felt were hurtful, but I don't think he's ever really said pointless things to me.

[brillskep]

Hmm. After answering I read some more answers. I wonder if part of the reason I don't find any of my therapist's interventions pointless is that I have had the same training as him in the same schools and always know where he's going with it (if I'm in the mood to wonder). So even if he just mirrors what I tell him or says something about himself or makes a clumsy joke, I know what benefit it might have therapeutically. So maybe that also contributes to my feeling it all has a point.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I guess I don't see what the first one I see does as mirroring because it is never the point of what I was saying in the first place and secondly - no **** - so ****ing what? I am not an idiot - I know I don't like to be humiliated. I don't need a therapist to tell me that. If she wanted to do an accurate mirroring =she could say "I see you don't find it useful when I state the obvious and treat you like you are a moron"

These statements she makes are NOT the point of what I am trying to get at. Her statements make it seem like she is NOT listening to what I am saying.
I don't feel heard, affirmed, validated or listened to when she says these sorts of pointless, obvious, useless pap that have NOTHING at all to do with the point I am trying to get across.

Stopdog it made me laugh out loud what you said here, as it mirrors (pun intended) my experience with the many different therapists I've had the misfortune to pay for their non existent expertise.

Too many of them don't know how (or can't be bothered) to listen and even less are even remotely interested in understanding what they are hearing (note to anyone who is thinking of jumping in at this point and defending the therapy industry, I am talking about my own experience with over thirty therapists not other people's Ts).

I am constantly amazed at how I can be so clear to the point of repetitive pedantry about what I need from them, and how what they do say is usually not only irrelevant and unhelpful but also damaging at times, and yet they take no notice, carry on as if what I'm desperately trying to explain to them is of no import, no value, no relevance itself.

I've just put myself back into therapy after a year out and have had three sessions so far, already the idiot has made several judgmental and critical comments that have undermined the faith and trust I did bring with me to our first meeting. I feel like shaking him and saying, hey it's me here, you don't know who I am so quit loading your preconceived text book judgements onto me. And try actually listening to what I am telling you. Then maybe you could earn the right to point out things that you think I might need to know. Grrrrrrrr.

I expect I shall pull myself out of therapy before too long too. When I left the last T last year, I reckoned I was done with therapy for good. Hope springs eternal and all that **** eh?

Stopdog, don't you ever get really angry with your therapist? To the point of wanting to just get out of there?

I found that the one thing therapists are really good at, is invalidating and criticizing and blocking anger directed at them. So a perfectly valid and in fact necessary aspect of therapy, along with the (in)ability to listen, is also excluded. Makes me wonder what value therapy actually could have. A question I'm right now struggling with as I have a fourth session with new T tomorrow and finding myself going round and round in angry imaginary conversations with him about the irrelevant ******** he spouted last session.

[anilam]

All sound like a very general type of statements you could say anytime and mean nothing at all by them. So I'd feel my T is not listening if he were to use any of them/or similar statements.
I hate validating (feels patronizing to me), rephrasing/summarizing/parroting (why would I pay for stg any child can do) or too obvious mirroring (certain level is fine, everybody does that). In fact any time I feel my T is using some therapeutical technique I call him up on it. Fortunately, I found one who can oblige (most of the time, anyway).

[FranzJosef]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Her responses do not make me feel heard because they never have anything to do with what I was trying to convey.
Plus I tell do her all the time (or at least all the time when I stupidly let her talk) this sort of thing is not useful because I don't see the point in them and I don't see how they relate to what I was trying to convey.

It is a good thing we are having a break for about a month right now.

When they mirror back and get it wrong, that's your chance to clarify.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I can't figure out if she thinks I am moron or if she is a moron or if she simply can't handle silence.

"You don't like being humiliated" = really? what is this supposed to mean? Who the hell likes to be humiliated? It was not even the point of why I was relating the incident.

"Stupidity of others frustrates you" = yes - of course it does. Who goes hurrah - I am dealing with an idiot? Again her response was not even related to the point of why I was relating the incident.

"Your response was normal" I don't ****ing care if it was normal or not -I did not ask if it was abnormal - I did not imply it was not normal. I did not say I was a unique ****ing little snowflake. Why on earth are you responding with it is normal?

"I think it is good you did X" - I didn't ask your ****ing permission. I don't need your ****ing approval.

And her **** with me response when I ask is that she did not really have a reason. Then shut the **** up if you don't have a reason to say something.
Quit messing with me.

Does the one you see do things like this? Are such statements from those guys useful for you?
I am not asking for advice or interpretation on what I do.

I think that, despite how clear you have been with them about how you want to do your therapy, they persist in trying to get you to do therapy their way.