An interesting conversation I had with my T lately

A couple of sessions ago we were talking about my urges and such and I asked him if I died would you come to my funeral? He just kind of stopped and was like why do you want to know? I told him it was something I'd always wondered and he told me no he wouldn't go to my funeral but he'd send flowers or something. He told me he doesn't like funerals and doesn't even really go to his family funerals unless he gets guilted into go.

I had asked my old pdoc this question and he told me no it wasn't his job to go to funerals so he wouldn't go.

Has anyone else wondered this?

Jbug

Yes I guess I have wondered.

No, I would not expect him to go. Once I'm dead I'll be in heaven and there will be no more pain.

That was interesting that he answered honestly like that! I'm with him, don't like funerals. I don't think I've wondered much about when I'm not here, can't see/get anything out of it :-)and I've been part of a situation or two where the living were "reassured" so they'd be happy now when it was known nothing would be done that way when they died. So, I guess I'd give your PDoc "credit" for being honest too, if more prosaic about it than he needed to be. I think lots of people have baggage about death/funerals and sounds like he was in his "official" role as PDoc, worried dead/funeral meant suicide or something.

Interesting.... I wouldn't ask mainly because I'd be dead, and therefore could not get any satisfaction from it. So.... I would much rather ask the question, "If I was hospitalized, would you come visit?" Or... "If I get my doctoral degree, would you come to my graduation?" hahahaha, no I wouldn't really ask that, but it would be awesome if he could.

Jannie, you know I can't believe I completey forgot the conversation on monday I had with my T. I told her about my past suicide attempts and said that I think they were mainly an attempt to be loved, that I felt if I was dead then I would finally get the love I have been searching for. T said that it was sad that I felt the only way I could be loved was if I was dead!. I guess thats why I drank for so long, I was slowly trying to kill myself hoping I'd reach etopia, accept it can't be reached through death, and I am blindly missing all the love I am getting in this world, for some reason I won't look at it, its not safe to see it alive but dead? well I feel safe then, but of course thats wonky thinking but I wouldnt be in therapy if I thought straight.

Brave girl Jannie! A good question to him. I'm afraid to ask any of those sorts of questions. I have the fantasy in my mind that he would visit me in the hospital (if it were serious). I don't expect it though.

If I found out he was in the hospital, I would want to go and take care of him. I would check with his assistant first though to see what he thinks of the idea. The very last thing I would want to do is make him uncomfortable...

Wow, janniebug, what a question! I bet you threw your T for a loop.

I have never wondered that myself. I do have this fantasy though, that one day, when/if I am divorced, I will have a big party to celebrate, and I would love it if my T came, because he has helped me so much. Well, we'll see if this ever happens, but I think he would come.

A divorce party!!

I will organize it and invite your T!!

OMG, I still haven't called my T-- imagine if I called him today and said... "I'm calling because I want to see if you'd like to come to my birthday party."

HAHA, I get loopy after I take my medication. Time to go to lunch.

Edited: Ooooh, I just noticed there is a birthday cake next to my name; I love it.

About the hospital question, my pdoc phoned and talked to me when I was in the "rubber room" in the ER. Of course I was really freaking out at the point because I couldn't remember the last 12 hours, and I'd woken up in restraints. And just before that I had hallucinated and was worried it was a sign of looming insanity (the inability to accurately perceive reality kind), anyway, he was there for me and my family that day.

Laura

My first T here told me that if I was in the hospital he would come see me. He told me he couldn't do any therapy while I was there but he would come see me anyway.

I know my T won't come see me in the hospital because I've been in the regular hospital many times due to my asthma and he never came to see me. He called me but didnt come see me. As for if I was in the psych hospital he can't due to other stuff I guess.

Jbug

It could be an ethical problem for your T to go to your funeral. They still have to protect confidentiality, and when someone asked them, "how do you know the deceased?" what would they say?

I've had fantasies of being visited in the hospital though. I've only ever been in the hospital when my children were born, and then usually for less than 24 hours. But I have been obsessed with fantasies such as that I was dying of cancer and my T came to see me, or that I was totally out of control and in restraints and T came to help deal with me. Since my therapists have not lived near me (at least the last 3 of them have not), in those fantasies I even somehow arranged to be in a hospital near them. Just passing through, and ... Isn't that interesting? Yeah, and I think of those fantasies (vaguely) when I drive past the hospital on my way home after a session.

Steve told me about this one clients family who wanted him to come speak at the funeral...he told me he declined...what would he say?

I guess I am just so attached to my T that I figured he'd be there for every stage of my life.

Jbug

I went to a memorial service for a friend a few weeks ago. There were a number of speakers, including my friend's family doctor and his Reiki (sp?) therapist. The Reiki therapist was really interesting, and a couple of other speakers also referred to her beneficial work with my friend. She would come to his room at home for therapy when he became too ill to come to her (due to cancer). I don't believe anyone had any ethical difficulties with her speaking.

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janniebug said:
Steve told me about this one clients family who wanted him to come speak at the funeral...he told me he declined...
Jbug

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Is it just me who has a problem with this? It is an honor to be asked to speak at a funeral. Obviously, this therapist meant a whole lot to this client and his/her family.

What would he say? He could read the poem "Remember Me" and talk about what it means for someone who has passed to live on in all of us. He could've been creative instead he felt the need to protect himself.

It seems to me if the family asked him to come, then confidentiality is not being breached? This is just silly in my mind. I'll bet the family was upset.

ummm.. you guys want a funeral?

I told my son to get the large size Hefty bags and put me on thr curb on trash day.

You told that to your son or your therapist....?

My t visited me in the hospital one time....by the time she came I had discharged myself....my doc had sent me in cuz I had excruciating abdominal pain....I was very comforted by her visit, even though I wasn't there, still, the thought of her having walked to the hospital....it was very soothing....

I have a fantasy that I will one day get married and send him an invitation. I know he would not come... but he would be happy for me.

I was in the hospital once for surgery and my first pdoc said he did not know if he should visit me or not. That was nice that he thought of me.

Funeral.. I went to my first pdoc's funeral. I cried alot. Heavy mourning for a bit. I wish I had been able to talk but I could not.

I know this one would not....boundaries.... but with an obituarty he would give me fond thought or I hope so.

Funny I've never thought about my therapist coming to my funeral. I wouldn't expect him to do that. But if I were in the hospital, I'd expect him to call me! If he didn't I'd call him though.

It's interesting to read everyone's therapist fantasies! I have plenty of my own, but the funeral one hadn't occurred to me. I guess I just don't like pondering my death.... !

Sidony

I swear the word 'boundaries'is a trigger word for me!

To me boundaries = we are not both human and do not matter. Oh and we can't possibly make sensible adult decisions. It's a job to protect from lawsuits and revoked licenses.

Maybe I need to explore what I hate this so much. Any theories? I told my T last session, one more time with the word boundary and I implode...he laughed.

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SecretGarden said:
I have a fantasy that I will one day get married and send him an invitation. I know he would not come... but he would be happy for me.

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I sent mine (who I'd terminated with a year or two earlier but still sent a letter or two to occasionally) a wedding picture afterward :-) I couldn't ask her to the ceremony as I figured she'd decline and the whole parental group having to know "who" she was and why I was inviting her, etc.

almeda, for me, "boundaries" is not a negative, but something I need to learn to set better for myself. We talk about this in therapy a lot. My T says I do not set boundaries well and so people walk all over me. True, I guess. I feel like I do set boundaries, but people still walk over them. I don't know how to get people to not walk over my boundaries? It really is a huge puzzle to me. My T has boundaries too, but they are not a negative, just something to keep both him and me safe. If I cross them, I would expect him to tell me, and then I would back off. What I don't get is why when I set boundaries and people cross them, they don't back off when I tell them? Sigh...

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Perna said:
I couldn't ask her to the ceremony as I figured she'd decline and the whole parental group having to know "who" she was and why I was inviting her, etc.

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Ain't that the truth....lol....

I went to a funeral once of a friend of the family that my first pdoc knew. My first pdoc had retired and though in a suit had grown his hair out. I do not think my brother quite got the connection as I told my sister... but he asked who that bumpkin was.....lol... I did not answer... though my sister might have...

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What I don't get is why when I set boundaries and people cross them, they don't back off when I tell them? Sigh...

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Ya got to look them in the eye and growl. I do not know... some people are very skilled at this and do it smoothly. I wish I was more like them but I am not. lol....