REALLY upset after consult with referral T

Logically I know seeing her is a really bad idea, for practical and theoretical reasons, ex. the repressed memory stuff, some other "energy therapy" that she does (tapping) that I firmly believe is pseudoscience, the fact that her method involves a lot of "psychoeducation" which is something I know really annoyed me with my former T, the fact that my current T worked for her awhile ago taking care of her disabled son and thus they know each other very well on a personal level, the fact that I know of several of her other clients and their experiences in therapy with her...all of these are signs that I absolutely should not go see her, because there are just too many caveats. It would also make it more difficult for me to separate from my current T, since I would feel like there is still a connection between us through referral T, and I feel like if I really missed current T, I might spend a lot of time fishing for information about current T from referral T, and that would be a waste of my time and money.

BUT when I talked to referral T on the phone yesterday, regardless of our theoretical and practical areas of disagreement, I really, really liked her, and felt comfortable talking to her, and shared a lot of really personal/distressing things with her. This might be because I felt like I sort of already knew her and her style/personality, based on what current T told me and what I already knew from other sources. But we had a really good talk. And then after we were done talking, I felt really, really anxious and upset and destabilized and like I needed to talk to current T right that very second to sort through my distressing feelings. And I think if I am this upset/destabilized after talking to her on the phone for half an hour, I am going to be WAY more upset/destabilized if I actually started seeing her. So I know logically it's a bad idea.

But the emotional part of me wants to. Because when current T explained her reasons for recommending referral T, she said it's because she is nurturing, warm, caring, and (explicitly) knows how to deal with maternal transference (and also is quite likely to evoke it, which current T thought would be healing for me to have that sort of relationship with someone safe and then move forward with my life after having that experience). And I want that so, so badly, to have that experience with someone. And I think this T would be able to give it to me, because she has given it to the two former clients that I know of, and I get the sense she gave that sort of experience to my current T too (current T is only a couple years older than referral T's son who she looked after). So I know I could have that if I wanted it. But I don't think it would be any good for me. There are too many red flags here. But how can I say no to something I have yearned for for so long, to have someone help me heal my mother wound? I am so upset and confused, and if I feel this way now, imagine how I would feel if I started seeing her...I am just so confused and I don't know what to do. Current T thinks this T would be good for me. Emotionally, I want to see her, but I think the smart part of me knows I can't. I feel stuck.

I've read your earlier posts, and it seems that you are too smart for therapy in a lot of ways; that you have the ability to debate any theoretical approach with reason, but also to protect yourself from letting your guard down.

The wound is emotional, though, so your intellect can work against you. I guess I'm just saying that I understand your dilemma. The thing I would do, though, is directly address this with the referral therapist in person and then gauge your feelings and thoughts about it.

If I see her once, I'm not going to be able to stop myself from going back, and I KNOW that...but I guess in a more practical sense, this T charges $150 per hour and has no availability for an initial session until the second week of July, so if I decided to see her and then see how I feel, I might spend $150 for no reason, and also if I wait until July, I will have already ended with current T (most likely) and might then be stuck without a T for awhile. Part of me thinks I did a consult with another T the other day who I really liked and whose theoretical approach fits mine and maybe I should just see her (and we could start over the next week or two), and that seems like a good and logical choice, but I just can't get the thought of seeing referral T out of my head!!!!!!

I haven't been following you story, so I can give you only a general reaction.

People who have been abused in some way by their parents are often both attracted and repelled by others who remind them of those parents. This is especially likely with therapists.

It is a double-edged sword. It is good if it allows you to transfer those feelings to your T and work them out. But until the feelings are worked out, it feels like hell.

If I had my time over again, I would avoid therapists I feel strongly about and stick to neutrals.

Current T called me a couple of hours ago because she knew I was very upset about this (which was very, very kind of her and much appreciated), and I thought she was going to say my strong feelings are telling me this is something I need to try out, but I was surprised that she actually thought maybe my strong feelings were telling me this wasn't a good idea and to listen to my gut on that. And she agreed that if I feel destabilized now after a phone consult, it would get way worse if we actually started seeing each other...but T does think I need to work through the mother issues with someone who can handle them and who can be caring, nurturing, warm, etc.

And that's what is so frustrating for me. Caring, nurturing, warmth, etc. both attract me and repel me. I want them so badly and yet I am terrified of them. So I am feeling discouraged about ever being successful with a new T, since I would want to run in the other direction if I felt cared about or nurtured by them.

Not to sound like a broken record, but I don't want to leave my current T. It's too complicated and I am going to miss her so much.

There are different levels of warmth and caring. I, too, would reject someone that's over the top nuturing. But my new T is warm in general. She has a gentle smile and a sweet tone of voice. She's only 2 years older than me, so that helps me avoid the maternal transference.

But I also understand wanting that nuturing. I got a lot of it from other sources growing up (i.e. not from my parents or family). The women who nutured me really helped me with my "mommy issues". I got so much love and care, and finally realized that it wasn't enough to fill that hole. And since, I have avoided mother-figure type relationships because I know it won't make anything better anymore.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to be cared for either. It's a balance.

I do wonder... could you be rejecting this referral T because she is a fit for you? Do you feel like you'll be replacing current T with referral T? Are you scared and if so, why? Maybe you can ask for another phone consult to see again? Maybe talk about boundaries and what you're used to, and what you're worried about. Maybe current T can be there for the consult and help you?

That's one of my issue still with my new T. And I keep wanting her to do things like ex-T did. And then when she does, I miss ex-T and hate new T. It's a difficult cycle, but I'm trying really hard to keep those emotions under control (sort of ).

That's interesting. I thought about it, and I think with referral T it's actually the opposite - seeing her would be retaining a tie to current T, which would be comforting but also problematic and would make the separation harder. It's not that I'm worried about replacing current T with her, because honestly, if my emotional mind had its way right now, I would drop current T in a heartbeat for maternal!nurturing!T (and my current T even said that was why she thought we would be a good fit, because she knows how damn much I want that...).