Hugs?

treloarbabe · Jun 22, 2015, 10:21 AM

I have just started therapy with a t. We are 8 weeks in. I am disabled, requiring 24hr care.

This T has said that she wants to reach out to me and she has introduced the subject of hugs. She has said she will only ever hug me if she knows I am ok with it but she has asked me to reflect on how I feel about touch.

Do your t's hug you or hold you and if so how often? Is it every session? Is it comforting?

Thanks xx

BayBrony · Jun 22, 2015, 10:29 AM

I get snuggles during session assuming that i want them which I usually do. And always a hug at the end. And I love it. But it's not for everyone. I have big issues with being touched or conversely feeling too disgusting to touch. For me that touch tells me she truly cares.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 22, 2015, 10:58 AM

No hugging or holding for me

Nothing from my individual T (she apparently hugs some clients but said she won't hug me because of some maternal transference) and a handshake from my marriage counselor and p-doc at the end of sessions with them.

Ellahmae · Jun 22, 2015, 11:04 AM

I get hugs when I can handle them, which is few and far between. Getting better but that's part of my healing process. T has also held my hands when I need it or reach out and ask. Again, that doesn't happen that often but it's there when I need it. I'd say right now I get a hug every other week and hand holding has only happened 3 times in the past 6 months. I was seriously distressed and just needed to know she was there.

msjblonde · Jun 22, 2015, 11:37 AM

My T has never brought up the subject of touch. We have never had any sort of physical contact which is fine with me, hugs aren't something which I think I'd want from a therapist. I'm not a fan of physical contact at all so I can't imagine I'd find it helpful in therapy.

Chummy · Jun 22, 2015, 11:43 AM

I've never got a hug from my current T

She also never brought up the subject of touch. I've no idea if she hugs clients. Sometimes I do want a hug from her. Like at the end of a difficult session, when I still need to travel home for 1,5 hours. I'm afraid to ask her if she hugs clients.
She does give me a handshake at the end of a session, but not every time. Twice she gave me a pat on the shoulder, which I liked.

My pdoc shakes my hand before and after session.

And every previous T I've had also never offered a hug. I gues no one finds me hugworthy.

precaryous · Jun 22, 2015, 12:03 PM

My T and I are talking about this. She hugs her patients but the patient needs to initiate it.
I haven't asked for a hug yet. I'm not ready.

Polibeth · Jun 22, 2015, 12:07 PM

I have never wanted a hug from T, but I know she does it because I have seen her hug her client before me when they were leaving.

Then, last session, she was congratulating me on getting a new job and reached out to hug me. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I hugged her but it made me uncomfortable and I won't do it again.

ScarletPimpernel · Jun 22, 2015, 12:24 PM

My ex-T would hug me after every session and sometimes when I was upset.

New T and I haven't hugged yet. We just talked about hugs, and she's okay with hugging after every session. So whenever I'm ready she will hug me.

Hugs are important to me with people I trust. I will only see Ts who hug.

krisakira · Jun 22, 2015, 12:29 PM

My therapist is very clinical. She's excellent at what she does, but she never shows much emotion or connection emotionally with me. I'm not sure if I like it that way or not. On one hand, I know I'm not dependent on her. I know that I am not clingy or needy to her. And that if she leaves me, it won't hurt as much. On the other hand, I feel like she doesn't care much about me. We never hug. In fact, I have never had a therapist hug me except one time. And it was awkward. I love hugs though. I love getting hugs from friends and my husband. I think I would like a hug from my therapist but I don't think she would give me one, and if she did, it would not be a very strong one.

Cinnamon_Stick · Jun 22, 2015, 12:32 PM

I have serious issues with touch as well. I started wanting to hug my T but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea or how I would feel. So I asked her what her policy was on hugging as I know some T's don't do touch at all. She said she was more than willing to hug if I needed it but I had to ask for one. So I started asking for them at the end of really hard sessions. I hated having to ask for them and it made me get addicted to hugging. So I asked her if we could hug naturally at the end of every session. She said it was fine. Now we hug at the end of every session and I am no longer addicted to it. It has actually made us closer and made our connection deeper and her hugs are so healing. It makes me feel so loved and cared for.

brillskep · Jun 22, 2015, 12:35 PM

My therapist does hug me, but I was the one who brought it up, over a year into our work together. We hug about once every 2 or 3 weeks, which is a pace that seemed to be negotiated between us. I usually ask to hug; he rarely asks me (he asks maybe once - three times a year). This is one of the best and most helpful things in my therapy, but my suggestion is to give yourself time and see how you feel about your therapist hugging you. Even if your therapist does enjoy it (I personally think both people should enjoy the hug for it to be appropriate), make sure that it is your need primarily and not the therapist's need that you don't want to say no to.

brillskep · Jun 22, 2015, 12:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I have serious issues with touch as well. I started wanting to hug my T but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea or how I would feel. So I asked her what her policy was on hugging as I know some T's don't do touch at all. She said she was more than willing to hug if I needed it but I had to ask for one. So I started asking for them at the end of really hard sessions. I hated having to ask for them and it made me get addicted to hugging. So I asked her if we could hug naturally at the end of every session. She said it was fine. Now we hug at the end of every session and I am no longer addicted to it. It has actually made us closer and made our connection deeper and her hugs are so healing. It makes me feel so loved and cared for.

Do you know why you got addicted to hugs you had to ask for but not to hugs that came naturally? I don't mean to come off as intrusive or anything, your story just got me curious.

Cinnamon_Stick · Jun 22, 2015, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brillskep

Do you know why you got addicted to hugs you had to ask for but not to hugs that came naturally? I don't mean to come off as intrusive or anything, your story just got me curious.

To be honest if my T and I stopped hugging I would miss them and feel a huge hole in our relationship. Asking for a hug made me feel like I was not worthy of affection and love from her and that she didn't like it or really want it. By it happing naturally, i feel like we are on the same page and I am worthy of love and affection and she enjoys it as much as i do.

Virginia1991 · Jun 22, 2015, 01:35 PM

Touch is a big deal for me. I have had issues regarding this my whole life. My mom didn't give touch or allow us to touch her. Being touched is awkward and uncomfortable to me, however I do crave it from 3 people in my life who are all maternal figures for me. We hug at the end of sessions. It is hard for me to ask so she usually asks more than me. I initiated the conversation of hugs myself though via email. She will also sit by me and put her hand on my back if I ask. This will be for just a few minutes and only once in awhile will I ask but I do appreciate that the option is there. Growing up, I always felt I must be disgusting, my own mom and step dad refuse to touch me at all. This creates a lot of conflict in my head. The conflict lies in craving it but being very scared of it. Luckily, this does not occur with my wife and kids.

musinglizzy · Jun 22, 2015, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Virginia1991

Touch is a big deal for me. I have had issues regarding this my whole life. My mom didn't give touch or allow us to touch her. Being touched is awkward and uncomfortable to me, however I do crave it from 3 people in my life who are all maternal figures for me. We hug at the end of sessions. It is hard for me to ask so she usually asks more than me. I initiated the conversation of hugs myself though via email. She will also sit by me and put her hand on my back if I ask. This will be for just a few minutes and only once in awhile will I ask but I do appreciate that the option is there. Growing up, I always felt I must be disgusting, my own mom and step dad refuse to touch me at all. This creates a lot of conflict in my head. The conflict lies in craving it but being very scared of it. Luckily, this does not occur with my wife and kids.

I think some people might not agree if the T initiates hugs. My T almost always initiates them. In a way, making me ask might be beneficial for me....because I'm NOT good with that. But I know there are some who say T's initiating hugs or asking for them might reveal more about their needs than ours. Way I think of it, my T doesn't NEED a hug from me...so when she initiates it or says "come give me a hug," I don't think she's doing it for her.

Jun 22, 2015, 02:33 PM

I'd never actually given thought to the possibility of T and I hugging until I read about it on PC. T and I don't hug and I don't want to, so that's perfectly alright with me. I like hugs, but I wouldn't want them from my T. I think it'd be awkward. And we aren't that close - therapy is a VERY one-sided relationship.

We do a lot of handshakes, though; at the beginning and end of every session. Sometimes it'll become a 'high five'. Both are always initiated by her.

The handshakes don't feel formal.

Coco3 · Jun 22, 2015, 03:05 PM

My ex T (I'm not in therapy anymore) shakes hands at the beginning and end of every session. And he gave me a pat on the shoulder a few times. I don't think he usually hugs clients. I never asked for a hug, only in our final session, and I got it (and it was great).

junkDNA · Jun 22, 2015, 03:10 PM

my T and i hug, but not that much. usually if i ask or if he asks. like if im upset

divine1966 · Jun 22, 2015, 03:57 PM

I am very much touchy and hug type. I love to hug. But I just don't need it with t. Like I don't hug my dentist or mechanic. I do hug my friends and family

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laxer12 · Jun 22, 2015, 04:05 PM

I would love to get a hug from T or for her to sit next to me and put her arm around me. However, for me, that would not end well because of how I get attached to people. It would cause me so much more hurt in the future that I know it isn't a good idea now.

Everyone is different though.

Petra5ed · Jun 22, 2015, 04:56 PM

My therapist hugs me and I like it. I think it would hurt me if this stopped or if he never started actually. It seems like it would be hard to be attached to someone who wasn't "there" for me in some tangible sort of way. I also think for the most part our hugs aren't a big deal, they aren't long embraces... But the absence of hugs might be a big deal for me.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 22, 2015, 05:05 PM

I guess I could always come right out and ask my T for a hug. I mean, she told me why she doesn't hug me. She didn't say she would never hug me. Or I could just say, "If I asked for a hug, would you give me one?"

(Wouldn't ask marriage counselor for one because I've asked him for too much verbal reassurance lately and the fact that there's a touch of erotic transference in with the paternal would make it inappropriate. And I'm a little afraid I would start sobbing in his arms and he'd have to pry me off of him.)

AllHeart · Jun 22, 2015, 05:32 PM

I have horrible issues with touch. I crave touch, but have an almost impossible time giving or accepting it. My T gives me hugs before and after each session. It was so awkward at first, but I quickly grew to be ok with them. There are sometimes now where I can't wait to hug my T. So I have deduced that hugs are awesome. If only I could figure out how to give and receive lots more of them!

Jun 22, 2015, 06:52 PM

I never got a hug from my t until I asked for one, which I got at my last in-person session before she moved out of town. That was over 2.5 years ago and we did phone sessions after that, til I saw her last month when she was in town on business, and we had another in person session. I got 2 hugs that day and they just happened neither of us asked.

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