[Solepa]

Hello everybody,

I would like to ask for your help and advice. Last two therapy sessions I talked about sexual abuse that happened to me when I was a child. It was for the first time in detail and all of it. It was hard but I am in therapy for 2 years and I felt it was time to do it. I was sick by the end of it but I managed to get to the bathroom and T was not grossed out by it. She was very kind and supportive.
The biggest problem I have is coming back to our next session. I feel extremely ashamed and very yucky in front of her after all the things I talked about.
I have my session on Thursday and I already feel very anxious about it. I can´t sleep and I just don´t want having to face her ever again. I feel like she has to feel grossed out by me now and I just can´t stand her seeing me and knowing..... It is actually harder for me then the talking about it was.

Anybody who felt similar after talking about sensitive things that make them feel ashamed to the core? Any ideas what to do and not go completely crazy before my session?

Thank you very much for reading

She will not be grossed out by you.

The shame and yuck are not yours to bear, it is your abusers'.

Are you able to contact her out of session? Do you think you can drop her an email/text regarding how you feel?

I understand that it must feel absolutely terrifying and horrible to go back and face her next session...but she will not reject you or be disgusted.

She is probably deeply honoured that you felt safe enough to risk disclosing abuse to her.

I've an very avoidant coping style so I disclose things by ensuring I'm emotionally numb before hand so I can talk as though things are "no big deal".

Once I confessed something I felt ashamed about...Trying my best to sound flippant and like it didn't matter, but it mattered a lot to me.

I wanted to cancel the next therapy appointment but I'm glad I went because I managed to ask my T what she felt and she wasn't disgusted by me at all. In fact, she thought I was brave for risking vulnerability.

[RedSun]

Oh Solepa, I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this.
I went through something at very similar at the end of last year, when I told my T something from my past. I had to ask her is she thought I was disgusting. I felt disgusting. I felt that she must be able to see it, or feel it, or smell it or something, it was such a tangible thing for me.

Trigger SI

I felt better after a couple more sessions. Some reassurance from her, and just some time, it got a bit easier.

Very recently I've told her a bit more, and I have all those feelings again. I am disgusting, she must think it's my fault, etc. I write poems in my journal, and that helps a lot. Unfortunately, I also use SI, alcohol and retail therapy, though any relief is short lived and the after effect is always feeling worse

I hope you can find a way to work through these feelings. Ad I hope, and believe, that some reassurance from your T will really help.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you're going through this (and also, hey from me, not on here much and glad I saw your thread but sorry you are in a position to write it).

Remember that these feelings are like a shadow caused by abuse. They aren't originating from your T, or from being in T. I completely get that you're feeling like this, but I hope going to T and seeing that your T treats you with kindness and respect will help.

[Solepa]

Thank you guys for your feedback and support. I got brave and send T email ( which I am allowed to do). She never answers as a rule but at least she knows what is happening.
I know rationally that my feelings are not really objective and that my T probably doesn´t view me any worse now. It is just that even I know this with my brain my feelings are still pretty convinced and are quite intense no matter how I reason with myself or how I try to stay calm. I guess I will just have to experience it and maybe then it gets better.

QuietMind I am glad you went to your session and could experience that your T is proud of you. Often we are much harder on ourselves then others are.

Red75 I am sorry you are also going through hard times with this and I hope your T can give you enough support and encouragement to get on the right track and feel better soon.

Very nice to see you again Tinyrabbit. It has been a while. I don´t come here much either. Hope you are well and things are looking up for you. Are you still in therapy? With the same T ?

[ThisWayOut]

I started being up front with t about feeling like she hated me or thought me disgusting. It kinda became a running joke after a while that she would no longer try to say otherwise because I would simply deny it. That was actually more effective at getting my internal dialogue to shut up than her trying to assure me she did not think I was gross...
I'm sorry you are going through this... it sucks.

[musinglizzy]

I completely understand what you've shared here, because I'm in the exact same situation. I recently disclosed something similar to my T, and I've been a bit haunted by it, and ashamed. It's easy for people to say there's no reason to feel that way, but I think if we didn't, we might not be in therapy to begin with! My T has been very understanding about this, and knows I'm struggling. A week ago I left my session and had to pull over to throw up on the side of the road, I had myself that upset. Unfortunately for me, it's not a good time for my T to be on vacation but I'll get by. Perhaps I shouldn't have shared this right now, knowing she was leaving, but it sort of just came out. I had NO plans to share this with her, but when she said "I think you and ____ have an interesting relationship." I thought to myself "you have NO idea...." then I just spit it out. Had she not made the interesting relationship comment I wouldn't have, but I knew, somehow, she had a feeling that something wasn't right. I feel very embarrassed by this...I know I shouldn't, but I'll work through that. But I just wanted to reply, and let you know I am going through this very same thing in therapy right now, and it doesn't feel so good. I feel like a gaping wound left wide open while my T is gone, but it's up to me to pull myself together. It's tough. But we'll get through it!

[tinyrabbit]

I'm inboxing you

[iheartjacques]

I've had so many showers and tried so many different things. It's like I don't want to be me anymore because of what's happened to me. The worst is knowing that nothing I can do will make it go away.