between session contact…again

I posted about not hearing back from my T earlier. About a half hour ago, she called with a cancellation, so I'm going in later this afternoon! What's funny is I had just sent her an e-mail saying I was feeling upset this morning and wished I could have seen her today. So I initially thought she was calling in response to that e-mail, but she hadn't read it yet (I'd literally sent it 10 minutes before she called). So that worked out!

Glad you are getting in this afternoon!
T and I have been talking about this- synchronicity. She finds it fascinating.

Since people are bringing up tightening boundaries, I'll say from my experience, that's SO hurtful. I want consistency. I need it. Is it too much to ask? If T is going to offer something, don't just take it away. It's too harmful for the client, and isn't it their job to do no harm?

As far as contact between sessions, my T has been great with that. Even to the point of INSISTING on it. Texts or Emails (I do not call her). She was always good at responding, even if it was brief. Sometimes it was NOT brief. But since our rupture in March, after the argumentative Emails stopped, she has changed that, too. Maybe she's unusually busy in her life. Moreso than she usually is. I don't know. But she maybe responds to half of my Emails and texts, and when she does, they are a line, maybe two, usually. Being so sensitive to change, I definitely notice this change in our communications.

With every trip she has taken, she's offered contact then, too. I didn't agree with it, saying she needed time away from work, but she insisted. Said she would harass me if I didn't check in. She's gone now, and this is the first time she has not only not offered, but said she wouldn't be available while she's gone. Of course, logically, I should think she's on a family trip and decided to put everything else aside, as she should. Or maybe she's somewhere where she can't keep in touch. But with my sensitivity and hurt feelings already, I'm fearing the worst. that she has implemented another new boundary, and that is no contact. Considering she's not responding like she used to, and told me she's unavailable while she's gone. I hate being this sensitive!!

I find that really off putting, like he's putting it on you to not make life too difficult for him. He should be the one to manage things, not you. He should be the one to tell you when enough is enough, not leave you to figure it out.

I don't think it is about making his life easier. I guess I am the one who expressed concern that I've been dependent on having T1 in my life and now that he is in his 70s I am worried about the day that is coming when he dies or gets too ill to practice. T2 I think is trying to force me to find multiple avenues of support (I tend to focus on T support because it is the most satisfying.)

So I do get that this is his way of helping
It would be easier if he was so awful that I could just quit, but he has been pretty good to me overall. Just a little harsh in the boundary dept.

The thing is, you know what your T is doing to you. She keeps doing the same thing. At this point, you're consenting to her moving the boundaries and treating you badly because you keep putting up with it.

It's one thing to have a sudden surprise event which shakes you. It's something else to put up with months and months of mistreatment and knowing that your T is doing you wrong and yet, refusing to take the step of actually finding a decent T.

I wonder how many posts would be on this forum if people just changed T's whenever their T's pulled nonsense. I think everyone would be happier, healthier and less stressed about therapy.

It sucks to have a T that sucks, just like it sucks to have an itchy sweater. But if you choose to keep the itchy sweater on because you're afraid you won't find anything else to wear, after a certain point, it's something you're doing to yourself.

Unless a T is truly awful, it is hard to make the switch from a "not bad"/"pretty good T" to the unknown. I've been told to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. So I'm trying to make it work until it is completely clear it won't work.

He's taking the easy way out by not specifying what amount of contact is OK with him, if in the end you do get too dependent, and let me guess, he is the judge of that, then he can point the finger at you.

Yup, I suppose that is true. Maybe next Tues he will clarify? Or I will just keep asking!

The difference is that therapists are not actual babies - they just act like they are.

My T allows unlimited emails and phone messages, but doesn't respond unless I specifically ask for it. And I don't often ask for it. Yet just sending him a message is therapeutic. I also know he takes in each message with good attention because he remembers it all at the next session.

At one point when I was experiencing a crises due to medication problems, I asked for phone calls several times per week. He gently stated that it was appropriate at this point for me to look for other sources of support to supplement calls with him, such as therapy groups.

I never get the impression from him that he resents my needs or defends against neediness, and he doesn't detail his boundaries up front, but he definitely has boundaries and gently sticks to them.

He has been wonderful, particularly this way he never gives the impression of resenting my needs, even if it should happen that a boundary is briefly crossed (such as that period of calling him and asking for a return call every day).

Mike

I think it's unavoidable that a client suffering from the woundedness of not getting childhood emotional needs met will, for a period of time, become dependent on the therapist. I am thinking about becoming a therapist myself and I believe that one thing I need to train for is how to handle a true and serious dependence on the therapist, because I think it is a necessary stage for healing.

I do not think that all styles of therapists train to handle the client dependence. Sometimes a therapist will emphasize the value of independence and self-reliance, and of course those are good things, but I wonder if they are missing part of the picture.

My T has the same view as you - that if you didn't get your childhood needs met, that some dependency is inevitable.

She does schema therapy in which there's the concept of "limited reparenting" where the therapist gratifys some emotional needs within the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship.

The goal is eventual increasing autonomy and independence rather than dependence or counterdependence.

So she says it's ok to depend for a while on the T (like a crutch) until the client is ready to stop leaning on crutches.

So she says she'll never give something she'll eventually resent giving.

But I also wonder if she'll "take things away", eg hugs, because the ultimate goal is after all, client autonomy.

I guess my fear is - who determines when that necessary time period of dependency is over?

QuietMind, I hope that the person who gets to decide when you are no longer dependent is you.

My T never really described a "dependence strategy" but we just moved through the stages. I think during the period I was most dependent I couldn't have handled even the suggestion that someday I would be independent.

I feel like I am so independent in the rest of my life, that I need a space where it is ok to depend on someone else. I hope T understands this.

Mike1127, I hope I'll get to decide too. She said she knows I'm afraid to attach because I fear opening up and then having the other person run away.

So, I'm pretty suspicious and wary because it really would suck if she gave something then tightened boundaries. I'd feel cheated and tricked.

Reading what others have posted here helps reinforces my belief that I better ask and ask again if she's going to take things away.

Since schema therapy has the concept of the therapist stepping in for the patient in imagery-rescripting (incl traumatic memories or memories of abuse), then gradually guiding the patient to stand up for themselves, I really hope I get to decide else it'd be a giant "You said it was really ok to trust! And then you ran off!" cluster****.

I'm really glad your T allowed to move through stages at your own pace. Sounds like a good T.
Dang, growlycat, I can so relate. I've found reading about neglect and "counterdependence" to be really interesting.

There's this book called "Dynamic psychotherapy with adult survivors: Living Past Neglect" where I read about it.