What kind of feelings does this convey?

Hi folks - I have a question as to how would you expect a T to react to the following email I sent. I know this could belong in the "romantic feelings" forum, but I thought that sub would get responses primed to indicate romantic feelings and I want a more general response...some background:

I have been seeing my T for 2.5 years. She is strictly CBT/Schema Therapy trained. We have a wonderful therapeutic relationship and I believe when she says she loves working with me and likes me as a patient. A few times, she has brought up that CBT might not be enough for me and that I would benefit from psychodynamic work - which she has no training in. I take her advise seriously and intellectually I agree with her - but the thought of leaving her breaks my heart (I do feel romantic yearnings toward her - I am female and she knows I'm bisexual). I don't think I can invest in therapy this much again. I told her as much, sans the romantic yearnings part.

For a while I had been talking about extreme shame in response to certain feelings. She assumed these feelings are negative, but I said that sometimes they can be positive. I read a book on short-term psychodynamic therapy and a section from one of the chapters described perfectly what I have been feeling. I brought it up in session and said I was too embarrassed (I was really crying at this point) to share it with her and how I also feel angry that she might want to terminate me/won't be able to help me. Anyway, this is what I sent her, it's an extract from the book:

* My comments are in blue

The therapeutic process typically proceeds in a kind of spiral from the outer layer of defenses against emotional closeness, to anger, underlying pain and grief, and finally, longings for closeness.

All the layers of feeling must be accessed, experienced, and woven together in such a way that patients can see themselves and others clearly. This integration is a pre- requisite for what is sometimes referred to as “whole object” relationships, in which both gratification and frustration are expected and tolerated. Basic needs for attachment and closeness are met without compromising the need for autonomy. Ultimately, an inner sense of personal freedom and a renewed or expanded capacity for joy should be evident.

The process of de-repression reveals the factors that have been responsible for the avoidance of strong internal feelings and close emotional involvement with others. Anger and grief are not the only affects that are capable of evoking anxiety and, hence, fueling avoidance. In many cases, there is considerable anxiety, guilt, shame, and inhibition around the experience and expression of warm, tender, loving, and sexual feelings. (Yep)

Other theorists who have expanded and revised classical theory to include theories of attachment, have suggested that affects are not intrinsically good or bad, safe or dangerous, but are deemed so as the result of direct experience with primary caretakers in early life. Those affects that were freely expressed and responded to are more likely to recur than those that met with punishment and censure. In some families, rather harsh and violent behavior is sanctioned (not nearly as extreme in my case), whereas warmth and tenderness are forbidden. Children raised in such an environment would be expected to express anger and hostility (insert whatever applies to me) with relative ease but to become anxious, defensive, and avoidant when positive feelings are aroused.

[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"]I am grateful for your time and patience.[/COLOR]


Anyway, my questions: How obvious is it that I'm talking about feelings that are a byproduct of therapy - that is, feelings toward her that had made me aware of this pattern? Second, how likely do you think she is aware that these feelings are romantic? I get the sense that she doesn't pick up on nuances and I always have to spell out things to her - but I was hoping this would be clear.

Thank you for reading and for your input!

Im not following you.

In the first episode of Family Affair, you know with Uncle Bill and Buffy and Jody, Jody comes to Uncle Bill at night and says hes afraid to sleep alone in the dark. Uncle Bill finally comforts him. I was like, yeah, thats what i missed out on.

The description of therapy you quoted does a good job, i thought, of telling how therapy can fix it when we do miss out on that? But im not following where sex would come in.

I removed the word sexual from the post in case it creates confusion - what I'm wondering is if folks think the thought of me having romantic-type feelings for her would strongly cross her mind based on the email I sent her and my conversations.

I think sexual feelings are naturally tied to romantic feelings - that's why I mentioned them.

It's not clear to me at all. I know you put "Yep" at the end of the third paragraph, right after sexual feelings, but its position suggests to me that "Yep" refers to the whole sentence.

On the other hand, I'm bad at nuances, plus this woman knows you.

Maybe you could be clearer with your T. I have found that trying to talk around something often confuses T. I'm pretty sure those feelings are common in therapy.

As CBT T though, she may not be trained to help you work through it.

I agree with hankster's confusion (but totally get the Uncle Bill/Jody scenario) and growly's observation. It doesn't seem that CBT is going to be helpful, and also...I don't see anything romantic about the issue and would probably see a need to be more clear with the therapist (who, if she gets it, will also probably see that psychodynamic is a better fit).

Thank you. I do tent to assume that T "gets it" when I strongly imply at an issue, only to be surprised when we are on a different page.

However, since I think therapy is helping me in other aspects, I'll probably deny any romantic feelings if she asks (which I doubt she would). The problem with getting psycodynamic therapy is having to start a relationship from nill - I am very picky about therapists and I don't think I can let my guard down to this extent again (it took me a LONG time).

Ah, what an unpleasant bind...

I completely understand not wanting to switch therapists when you have invested so much into one that works except for one (pretty important) area. Can you see two? Does anyone do that--see a CBT and a psychodynamic therapist?

You could still tell her about the romantic feelings. She may or may not be capable of working through those feelings but it is worth a try because you already work so well with her.

I am in a similar dilemma with my CBT T. I have feelings for him, some just attraction in general, some sexual, and oddly he can feel paternal to me too--thankfully not all those at the same time. I only admitted feeling jealous of his daughter so far. Even that, he seemed a bit taken aback/shocked. I thought he already knew.

Imagine if I admitted the other stuff! I am wondering if he could handle it. In my heart I know it would be best for my treatment to lay it all on the table.

Yes, in essence we are in very similar situations.

My feelings for her are not maternal at all - they very much feel like a yearning to be together romantically. Also, she looks a lot like the women I have been attracted to in the past, so I have a lot of sexual fantasies about her (this, I would never mention).

Part of me knows that if I were able to lay all this out in the open and she artfully managed to be warm and accepting it would have a great potential to heal. However, if she terminates or has a negative reaction or becomes more withdrawn/distance, I know this has the potential to be incredibly damaging.

She's very dedicated to her profession and to our therapy, but I know that she can't "process transference" (whatever that means) since she was not trained in it.

In session she asked me if I was disappointed that she couldn't help me with psychodynamic issues, I told her that in truth, I was angry because I thought she could read a book, get training, get consultation from a colleague and give it a shot (I know I sounded entitled and like I'm demanding a lot - but I was honest). She said that she will do what she can to help me (so perhaps she will think my suggestions over). That made me feel reassured...but still, it's outside her comfort zone and practicing withing her scope of competence is very important to her.

If you are able to open up to your therapist - I wish you best of luck and I hope it's a healing experience.