[Yearning0723]

I did another consult today and I really liked her, and she seems very perceptive - she noticed that I was holding back at various points and pointed it out to me and asked about what emotions were coming up for me, and she seemed to "get it" about my difficulty sharing emotions, and I felt comfortable enough with her to share with her some of my tricks and ways to get me to open up more...and she was very empathetic...and I felt pretty good about the session...but the only thing is that she doesn't have a lot of experience. She is VERY young, or perhaps just seems younger than she actually is, but still. She is a psychologist and she's been doing "counselling" (including residency) for ten years, but only in private practice for one year.

She does the sort of therapy I'm looking for and she seems to have some good clinical knowledge, but I'm worried about having the same issue I had with current and former T, just with them not having enough experience with clients to really know how to deal with certain things. And current T really thinks that someone older would be better able to help me in terms of experience, but also in terms of being able to help me work through some mother issues. And also I tend to relate to younger Ts as more peers, or as people who I can teach things too as well because they are at the start of their careers, and T thinks that might make it harder for me to open up with them. She probably has a point.

I DID open up with this T a lot in terms of my story, but definitely not in terms of my emotions. And it is possible to feel that early on, like with the consult T who I felt really destabilized after talking to...but I don't know if that was a good thing either! I'm confused. I don't know if a younger T is automatically a bad idea...I did book another session with her, but I made it very clear that this is a continuation of our consultation with no commitment, and she was fine with it. And I guess that's the other thing - I tend to be way more businesslike with younger Ts. I just don't know about this! Ideas?

[ameliaxxx]

An older T would be more experienced, but there are people who are in the business for decades and just suck. And ones who just come in and are great. If she is really good, go back for a few more consultations.

Weigh the pros and cons. She sounds really good, and empathic, and maybe the businesslike way you treat her will help you avoid transference with her. But, maybe she is too young and you can't open up with her. Do you actually know how old she is? Also, age doesn't always mean maturity. Do you mean mother issues as your own mom or being a mom? She may have issues it's her mom, but if she is young, she may not have dealt with it yet.

Overall, go see her a few more times before giving her up.

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[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by ameliaxxx

An older T would be more experienced, but there are people who are in the business for decades and just suck. And ones who just come in and are great. If she is really good, go back for a few more consultations.

Weigh the pros and cons. She sounds really good, and empathic, and maybe the businesslike way you treat her will help you avoid transference with her. But, maybe she is too young and you can't open up with her. Do you actually know how old she is? Also, age doesn't always mean maturity. Do you mean mother issues as your own mom or being a mom? She may have issues it's her mom, but if she is young, she may not have dealt with it yet.

Overall, go see her a few more times before giving her up.

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I think I tend to gravitate towards younger Ts to try to avoid transference, but current T thinks (and I am agnostic about this) that an older T who I would have maternal transference towards and who would be able to "hold" that and work through it with me would be good for me. It's possible. The thing is that I want this T to be the last T I see for a long time, so if that's something I need to work through (which I don't know if it is), then I might be shooting myself in the foot by choosing someone with whom those vulnerable feelings will simply never arise.

[PinkFlamingo99]

The one I'm seeing now is probably only about 6-7 years older than me (maybe she's 40ish), but she has a PhD in clinical psych and she's really smart. I feel like she knows more and is actually more experienced (working in the hospital since the beginning) than the others I've seen who were closer to 60.

That having been said, I tried once with someone younger than me and could NOT do it.

[Chummy]

My T is only a few years older than me and when I started with her, she was maybe 3 years out of university and started working in that office right after. She's better than any of the T's I had to deal with before her. There were T's in the age of 30, 40, 50 and 60. And not one of them knew so much as her. Not one of them knew how to deal with me and my anxiety issues.
So older isn't always better. And you don't always get transference with every T of a certain age.

[Yearning0723]

My current T is 13 years older than me, so it's not like we're peers age-wise (I'm 20 and she's 33 this year), but I still tend to look at her as little...maybe because she looks very young, or because she is super genuine and eager about everything, or just because I'm very aware that I am her "first" in many respects (even though she worked in a hospital for three years and in private practice for two years and has a masters of social work). But she tends to remind me of my baby sister sometimes. Affectionately! But she thinks because of that, she isn't someone who I would be able to really process mother issues with, and I think she might be right.

The consult T is probably 36 or 37, but she looks VERY young, and I don't know if that might cause me to relate to her in a similar way to my current T. The maternal transference I've had with other therapists definitely wouldn't happen, which might be good, but maybe not. I don't know. I used to think I needed a relationship where I could feel in control and not have mother feelings towards, but with two younger Ts who I didn't accomplish very much with in terms of processing those feelings, I'm not so sure now.

[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I think I tend to gravitate towards younger Ts to try to avoid transference, but current T thinks (and I am agnostic about this) that an older T who I would have maternal transference towards and who would be able to "hold" that and work through it with me would be good for me. It's possible. The thing is that I want this T to be the last T I see for a long time, so if that's something I need to work through (which I don't know if it is), then I might be shooting myself in the foot by choosing someone with whom those vulnerable feelings will simply never arise.

Well, that maybe. That seems what your old T said is probably reasonable, but I'm not you so I don't know. If it is true, then you would be shooting yourself in the foot because you're not dealing with your problems. Just side stepping it.

Give the one your seeing now one more shot, if you can't open up, then she is worthless. Otherwise, find another T that will help you. It's up to you if you want to put yourself through maternal transference, but in the long run, if that is what you need, then that's the only way you'll get better. It's up to you though.

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[RedSun]

I think that it's not automatic that one would get maternal transference with an older T anyway. Sometimes transference happens because of looks, tone of voice, unconscious intention...your current T sounds otherwise a good fit, so maybe try it for, say, six months or so? I agree with others on here, age is not necessarily an indicator of competence. Yes, an older T will have probably had more clients, but younger Ts may have had a more thorough training, as regulations tend to get tighter on training requirements....good luck x

[Yearning0723]

Perhaps a younger T would be just fine and for some reason I WANT maternal transference to happen and I am trying to hide my true motives...it's possible. I was very drawn to the T my T recommended who is very maternal and who I felt that with even over the phone...so I don't even know what's best for me...

[ameliaxxx]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Perhaps a younger T would be just fine and for some reason I WANT maternal transference to happen and I am trying to hide my true motives...it's possible. I was very drawn to the T my T recommended who is very maternal and who I felt that with even over the phone...so I don't even know what's best for me...

Yep, I don't know what I want or need either anymore. Ugh...

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[ameliaxxx]

Personally, if you want transference, you probably do need it to some extent. Just go for what you want.

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[CopperStar]

IME a younger T is fine as long as they have the guts to actually be a therapist. I've encountered a couple very timid ones that didn't want to do anything except have me talk about whatever I want for an hour while they just tossed in a few placating comments. Neither of them ever struck me as lazy, they both struck me as lacking confidence.

[laxer12]

My T is about 40 but has only been a therapist for 3 years I think. I'm 23 and I like that she is older than having someone much closer to my age. My T is really great and I was a little nervous at first about her lack of experience but I think she is just naturally good at being a T and has a more life experience than a 20-something year-old who also has the same amount of therapy experience.

[Yearning0723]

My current T is naturally VERY good at being a T, but according to her, that isn't enough for her to be able to help me...

[Bill3]

I wonder why you chose to see this new T at all, given that you are looking for maternal transference and current T is advocating for that as well.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder why you chose to see this new T at all, given that you are looking for maternal transference and current T is advocating for that as well.

I actually didn't realize she was so young. She looked older in her picture, and her website said she had ten years of experience, which I assumed meant ten years in private practice after getting her doctorate, which would have put her at least in her mid forties, but I think she's actually closer to her mid thirties. Ten years = ten years from her masters practicum until now (I believe).

[msxyz]

I think if you want to work through maternal issues an older therapist is more suited for that and yes, part of that is experience.

[divine1966]

It's no matter. But I want a t who is also a parent and preferably of grown children, which would typically put her at least to be my age but normally older as I had my daughter very young. I don't want t who has no children.

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Whenever I read posts where people talk about maternal transference, I always feel baffled. I can think of one T in particular that I had that was much older than me at the time - closer to grandmother age.

I absolutely adored her, but I don't know if I had any kind of transference with her. I didn't think about her excessively outside of sessions. I was interested whenever she mentioned any personal details about her life, but I didn't try to find out more about her. I mostly just thought she was delightful and so talented.

I have talked to my sister about how she has felt about her therapists, and it's similar to my own experience. We had a mother who took very good care of our material needs but wasn't emotionally nurturing.

We pretty much knew better than to ask for this kind of nurturing, because we weren't going to get it and we very often would get anger and an emotional tirade, so I suppose we learned to try not to seem to need nurturing.

The therapist that I see now is several years younger than I am, and I am fine with her being younger. She's very talented and we "click".

She does "make" me address feelings that I have about my childhood issues with my mother. I say "make" - that's not exactly true. It's more like she persuades me during the session and I get brave enough to probe those feelings and experiences with her help. I experience the T more as a guide when exploring those feelings, though.

I suppose my not understanding the maternal transference issue makes me wonder if I just block any possibility of maternal feelings for anyone, because I don't trust that those types of feelings and needs will ever be met..

I'm just throwing this out here to see what people think.

[AncientMelody]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Whenever I read posts where people talk about maternal transference, I always feel baffled. I can think of one T in particular that I had that was much older than me at the time - closer to grandmother age.

I absolutely adored her, but I don't know if I had any kind of transference with her. I didn't think about her excessively outside of sessions. I was interested whenever she mentioned any personal details about her life, but I didn't try to find out more about her. I mostly just thought she was delightful and so talented.

I have talked to my sister about how she has felt about her therapists, and it's similar to my own experience. We had a mother who took very good care of our material needs but wasn't emotionally nurturing.

We pretty much knew better than to ask for this kind of nurturing, because we weren't going to get it and we very often would get anger and an emotional tirade, so I suppose we learned to try not to seem to need nurturing.

The therapist that I see now is several years younger than I am, and I am fine with her being younger. She's very talented and we "click".

She does "make" me address feelings that I have about my childhood issues with my mother. I say "make" - that's not exactly true. It's more like she persuades me during the session and I get brave enough to probe those feelings and experiences with her help. I experience the T more as a guide when exploring those feelings, though.

I suppose my not understanding the maternal transference issue makes me wonder if I just block any possibility of maternal feelings for anyone, because I don't trust that those types of feelings and needs will ever be met..

I'm just throwing this out here to see what people think.

My thought is that not everyone needs the same thing out of therapy even if they had similar traumas and experiences, and not all therapy is designed to foster transference. I suppose it could be you block those needs, or it could simply be that you and your T work on a different therapy perspective...transference is not an essential component for all therapy styles.

I have a great therapist but she's very practically based. We focus on self care, CBT, ACT principles, things like that. For me transference would not be ideal as my goal is more emotional independence, rather than dependence. I suppose though I had a very secure attachment to my mom....not to my father. Theoretically I could see a male T and try the whole paternal transference thing, but that idea doesn't appeal at all to me, I much prefer the work I'm doing with my female T.

Personally I have found younger therapists to be better. Older ones seem too burned out and jaded and set in their ways. They also tend to be really close minded and arrogant.

[ruh roh]

I've only had great experiences with older therapists. The younger ones I've seen, though pleasant and perky, have lacked depth.

It could be that it just depends on the person and not the age. But in life, I tend to find more meaningful exchanges with older people.

I would not be comfortable with a T much younger than me (but I'm getting up there). I prefer a therapist with similar life experience: marriage (can be divorced), raised kids (not just young ones - I'm WAY past the toddler years), aging parents, the basic life experience that comes with age. A young, inexperienced therapist would probably turn me off. I've found my older, more settled, experienced therapists to be solidly professional, highly skilled, able to handle a crisis without fumbling around, and life-long learners not at all set in their ways. On the contrary, because of their years of experience, they had a bigger toolbelt to work with and were able to discern what approach to take at different times, unlike lesser experienced therapists who either are stuck on one approach due to lack of experience or still experimenting clumsily with whatever latest technique they just learned in some workshop somewhere.

[divine1966]

I might be clueless but why would one willingly seek transference? I am not sure. Why? I understand issues that hunt us since childhood and cause us problems. My dad is the reason I end up with wrong men because I subconsciously seek men who are just like him.

I am working on it in therapy. But I don't seen why I would deliberately seek a therapist who I would feel the way I feel about my dad? Overall my seeking wrong men is unhealthy and is something I want to stop ( am doing better with help of my t).

But I just don't see how and why having a t who is just like my dad would do me any good? It would just perpetuate the same nonsense I struggle my whole life. I in fact do not want male t for that sand reason.

Do you know why you actually want maternal transference and if yes why? How do you know it's good for you?

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[Bill3]

But I just don't see how and why having a t who is just like my dad would do me any good?

Take for example a woman who, because of negative early life experience with her father, automatically distrusts all men. An argument for using a male therapist would be that her personal, ongoing experience of the T's professionalism, kindness, support, and encouragement would help her overcome her automatic and blanket distrust of all men.