Do we view our therapists based on who we need them to be?

So I'm seeing this new t and it's a totally different experience for me.

My previous t was an older woman, in her sixties. Maternal, gentle, yet firm and insightful and an I-know-exactly-what-needs-to-be-done attitude. Felt very safe knowing I'm in the hands of a very skilled worker. When she and I started working, she said she 'has her work cut out', kind of made me feel secure in her knowing she has a 'plan'...

Looking back, I can see her plan consisted of allowing for my thoughts and opinions, asking questions that would help me become aware of my internal states, pointing out where my actions were not in keeping with my needs and wants, and on and on and on....

I related to her as the mother figure in whose presence I can act out and she provided that corrective emotional experience for me. Unlike my birth mother, who, if I made myself heard I was told to shut up.

So this new t, she's young. She's like 40'ish. And her face looks young. I can't relate to her as a mother figure, cuz she just isn't old enough to fit that image.

But I found that the mother image helped me work through transference issues related to mother.

So now that I have a t who is not even ten years my senior, I am having a hard time orienting myself to the process of therapy with her.

I go see her soon, and I am thinking: Should I relate to her as a friend, and then whatever transference issues come up in that kind of friend-relationship, will be dealt with? I'm confused. Somehow, having a younger t is disorienting to me. Don't know how to view her. I have friends in real life, and there's very few transference issues bet. us.

How about I view her as my 'significant other'? Lots of transference issues come up with a significant other, don't they?

Or do I just let her be herself, and whatever transference issues come up when she acts herself will be dealt with?
Hm..I like that...let her be herself. Not to see her for someone she's not.

Any thoughts on the matter? If I haven't made myself clear, it's because I myself am a bit unclear on this....

I think I will talk to her about this, yet am interested in your own perspectives on this as well.

withit, I think your idea to just let your new T be herself is an excellent one. Transference doesn't even happen in all therapy relationships (some approaches, in fact, don't recognize it as existing). If transference happens with your new T, it will take its own form and you will then become aware of who you are transferring onto your therapist. I don't think you can decide at the outset if you are going to have transference, who it is going to involve and why, etc. Your unconscious will do it, and then your conscious can try to make sense of it.

I never had transference of any kind with my first counselor. Since I didn't even know what transference was, I didn't expect it. When I did get it with my next therapist, the current guy, it really hit me hard. If I someday have yet a third therapist, I wonder if I will be too cognizant of transference's existence and feel like something is missing if it doesn't develop?

I'm trying to think who I transfer onto my current therapist. I think it would have to be significant others, both current and past, and maybe some of my mom too. My T is about my age (5 years older).

(P.S. withit, why did you leave your prior therapist? She sounds really nice.)

Yeah, because I had heavy transference with my previous t, and I have it in my encounters with general others (I react to certain stuff in people's mannerisms, behaviors, their way of talking to me, etc.) and the working through of it was oh so cathartic and gratifying....therefore I look forward to having that again with new t....

Yeah, I think I'll go with just letting her be herself and taking it from there.

As to why I left my previous t....I have posted a bit here and there...but not quite in the mood of launching into a full-fledged explanation... bottom line was loss of trust. Where there is fear there is no trust. And when one is deceptive there is no trust....long story...still trying to recover from it...have lost trust in therapists in general....but willing to give it another shot with another t...

Withit,

I agree with Sunrise...give this new relationship some time to develop. I had no transference with my last therapist and was totally freaked out this time until I realized what was going on. I am not sure who I am transferring but also think it is sometime significant other, sometimes father, sometimes mother. I believe the transference can change depending on my needs. My T is also about my age and that doesn't hinder the transference, so I say just give it some time and see what develops. Good luck.

yeah sweetie, let her be herself. transference takes time to develop and you can have all kinds of transference responses to people.

my t can be... my mother. even though he's not female!
he can be the mean kids at school who pick on me too. even though he's lit little!
he can be
he can be

its quite surprising sometimes.

that being said i do think that the actual characteristics of the therapist do come into therapy. i got a lady t once who wasn't much older than me. she became a big sister / auntie to me. that was real nice. i guess there were aspects of mother too. but mother is hard for me. what most people get from 'mother' i get from 'father' and stuff... but anyways... little time, yeah :-)

Withit, have you discussed this with her? This is an awesome topic to bring up... seems like you are having a mix of transference responses to her, and they deserve to be worked through!

I definitely view my T in a # of roles. Many times it is not a transference of a specific person, but rather a relational pattern.

As I read your responses and all....I think I'm gaining some clarity....I like the 'older woman' thing....the 'all-knowing' gramma, the wise old woman....calm and serene...lots of life experience behind her....lots of time on her hands (for me, lol) cuz she's not busy with her own young children/teens...

And this new t....so young....will she have the life experiences...is she as wise as I need her to be....will she have all the answers....

Still trying to get used to a 'young' t....lol....

I think bottom line is my concern, ''Is she competent?"