[asylumgardens]

This is my first real post, so I'm kind of nervous and I don't really know if this is exactly okay.. I'm not suicidal, but the post deals with suicide, is that okay to still talk about? I know there's a no suicidal posts rule, and I'm not planning or thinking about committing it now, but I had a suicide attempt less than a month ago, and I hope that's okay to talk about.

I started seeing therapy in the end of March, and I was diagnosed with major depression and PTSD, all from an event occurring in 2003, so it's something I've had to deal with alone for a very long time. I finally decided to go to therapy when I started having excessive anxiety and panic attacks. I saw a male therapist the first day because I went in as an "emergency" case, but I switched over to a woman for my regular therapist. I like her a lot, and I fully trust her, but I'm afraid to be honest now. It's not her, it would be the same with anyone, but I have to change therapists anyway because I am moving for the summer (I'm a university student) so this summer I will have someone new, but I still don't think I will be able to be honest with anyone.

In mid-April I made a suicide attempt, and I ended up in the psych ward for three days. Now everything I do, I'm worried I'll get put back into the psych ward. The attempt was some impulsive behavior, which I don't normally have, but recently I've started having it again. Not suicidally, but going for walks at 1 am or spending excessive amounts of money that I can't afford. It's just not like me. I also have formed a preoccupation with suicide, mental illness, and psych wards. Again, not in a way that I feel suicidal, but just that I want to find out information about it, but it seems like it's past the point of obsession. All the time I want to read books or watch movies or listen to songs that deal with this, and I was tempted to make my first real post be asking for recommendations with these things, but I think I'm taking this interest farther than I should. I'm not harming myself in anyway physically because of it, but.. I think it's doing something to me mentally, though I don't know what exactly. I'm very scared to tell these two things to anyone, but especially my therapist or any new/future therapist I might have because I'm terrified they will put me back in the psych ward. The fear isn't totally irrational because 2 weekends after my psych ward visit, the psychologist, who gives me medicine and I don't really talk to, suggested I spend that weekend in the psych ward again, not even for suicidal reasons, I was just depressed. I didn't go that weekend, but it scared me that just telling people that I felt depressed could put me back in there, so now I'm even more scared to tell about these new problems I'm experiencing.

This is long, but I guess I just don't know what to do. Is this normal behavior? Is it irrational for me to be afraid of putting me back in or is it a possibility? I know I have to sign myself in, but I guess there are consequences sometimes for not going when they tell you to.

[MissCharlotte]

((asylum))

It is so hard, but important to be honest with our caregivers so they can help us in the best way, getting the proper dx and getting the best medicines. You have held in so much for so long and are very brave for finally asking for help. It must be very difficult to switch therapists, as a relationship with one person is how we heal best. Keep talking and trying. You are so courageous.

Can you please post a trigger icon above? It is the red one with the x on it.

Best wises.

[asylumgardens]

Thanks. It is hard because I just got help and now I'll have to change it, and once summer is over I'll have to change again, but hopefully after the summer is over and I come back to school, I can come back to the one I have now.

I'm sorry, I tried to edit the post to post the trigger icon but it says it's too late to. I put it on now, but I don't know how to change it in the original post.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey asylum,

Is it possible to ask if any of the therapists who are there for the summer will also be there in the fall?

Just a thought....

Good luck, and keep trying.

[asylumgardens]

Oh yeah, that's a good thought except I'm going home for the summer, across the country from my university. I think this constant moving back and forth adds to my problems in tons of ways, and this therapy issue is just another one But hopefully I'll find someone I trust and like relatively quickly once I get home.

Have you considered staying there for the summer, working and enjoying your therapy?

[Perna]

What would happen if you were honest that you're afraid of? It's probably a good idea to be honest, at least to the psychiatrists, while you're "beginning" all this so they can get a good diagnosis going and the proper meds, like sister says. Can you relate to them as "doctors" rather than something emotional you feel you should hide? Getting some distance from your symptoms that way might be helpful too with your preoccupations too.

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. I hope to talk to you soon in chat. I have a rather busy schedule at this time, so if you ever want to chat Monday-Friday just PM. Take care and have a good weekend. Soidhonia

[asylumgardens]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'm just scared if I'm honest I will seem "insane" and be put back in the psych ward. I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD and have been put on Effexor, so I don't think that's a big concern, but maybe. I know it's best to be honest. I'll try to work it out when I start my new therapist at home. I would stay here for the summer, but my mom is basically forcing me to come home, which she can do because of money.

[ClaireB]

AG, I so can identify with you. After a hospitalization I had a lot of the same fears that you express. I was terrified of someone forcing me to be hospitalized against my will. I had nightmares about being in the hospital, and it's not an experience I ever want to repeat. I think as long as you are telling your therapist or pdoc that yes have those thoughts but are not going to act on them, they won't put you in the hospital. They understand that those thoughts go along with major depression. I also read everything I could get my hands on about psych hospitals and mental illness, and this definitely did not help things. My therapist encouraged me to leave all my books at her office - and I did. It may be helpful to leave all that stuff with someone else for a while so you won't be tempted to read it. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but things do get better. Keep reaching out to people.

[Perna]

I asked because some of your recent symptoms sounded like bipolar or other diagnoses to me, not just depression. I think you should tell your doctor about them as they may be "new" to your awareness, etc. and so not something he could have seen/diagnoses. Not like you could be very impulsive or buy a whole lot in the hospital :-)

[asylumgardens]

Thanks for posting that Claire. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who felt that way. I'll try to work up the courage to talk to my new therapist about it when I get one.

And, I never really thought about bipolar as an option for me. I guess I should mention those feelings I'm having incase that is the proper diagnosis. Thanks again, everyone.

I had the same fears as you. Still do. Had one inpatient stay, and that was enough for me. And after awhile, I was afraid to tell anyone about anything I did, for fear that the hospital suggestion would come up again. Just remember, not being honest with your therapist will not be beneficial in your treatment. Allow your new therapist to get to know you. As much as you need to trust your therapist, your therapist needs to earn some trust in you too.

[Rapunzel]

Thinking about suicide seems to be a usual aftereffect of being suicidal. Every time that I have been close to doing it (for me that means wanting to enough that I really wasn't sure that I wouldn't go through with it, although I never did actually make a real attempt), I have thoughts pop into my head about suicide for months later. My last time was October/November, and those thoughts haven't quite gone away yet, although it isn't something that I would do now. But still I file away plans in case something does set me off again, and I keep embellishing those plans. I'm not sure whether studying about suicide and hospitalization helps or harms, but I have a fascination with those topics too. Since I'm a psychology graduate student, I have ready access and excuses to be reading that stuff too. I really think that information is not harmful as long as you use it responsibly. If you are reading because you want to gain more understanding of what happened to you or could happen to you, and you can recognize that you aren't going to do anything to hurt yourself, I think that's probably okay. Even better if you can talk to your therapist about it.

As scary as it is to talk to your therapist about thoughts like this, I think it is more scary not to tell them. They will trust you more if you are open and honest. If you establish that you will honestly disclose your thoughts and feelings, then they will be able to have more confidence that you are working on overcoming it and will ask for help if you need it. It is when you are uncomfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings, and they can tell that you are holding back, and you have a history, that they will be suspicious and may suggest hospitalization. But as long as you can say this is what I am thinking but I don't want to do it, and give reasons why you won't do it, as well as you know what you will do to get help if it gets worse, they will be able to trust you and won't pull the hospital card (unless there is a therapeutic purpose that you agree to, and usually the hospital doesn't help people get better - just keeps them safe during a crisis). Therapists would rather not have you hospitalized if you can be safe otherwise. Help them to see that you can keep yourself safe.

I had an overdose in Aug. & I'm still feeling pretty shakey. I see my meds provider every 2 weeks. She's doing therapy with me, too. My meds have been adjusted.

Also I agree with the poster who mentioned bipolar. That is my dx & I did a lot of the stuff you described--overspending, impulsive & reckless behaviors, not acting like "myself."--Suzy