[growlycat]

Does your T have hard boundaries (in your opinion).

Have they helped your therapy or hurt it? I am trying to look objectively at my CBT therapy. I know from past experience that harsh boundaries are not something I work with well. In fact, past therapy has fallen apart because of it. Everyone needs some kind of boundaries to keep therapy safe. ?How much is too much?

[stopdog]

It would piss me off for a therapist to be all boundary focused. I would be like "dude, I've got my own boundaries - yours are not my problem"

[Leah123]

A psychoanalyst I saw for two years had very firm boundaries, no touching, nearly no between session contact, no extra sessions, I called her by her formal title, Dr. __, etc.

I stagnated and felt decidedly closed up and uncomfortable. I was young or probably would've left sooner.

I've also seen my current T for more than two years and it's just the opposite. She invites as much out of session contact as I care to have, offers flexible appointments and multiple ones. And she hugs, though as you know, for me they're virtual because it's long distance therapy. (Now, I do pay for all that extra time, but am very happy to- keeps things fair and balanced.)

She even gave me a generous graduation gift which is definitely crossing a boundary I've always thought would be a firm one.

And I feel my life has really transformed through our work, and that I've made exceptional progress doing serious trauma work, dealing with PTSD, improving my family dynamic, and making professional and academic progress too.

My first t had hard boundaries that she felt she could change any time it suited her. Boundaries are supposed to be flexible, but hers were brick walls. It was very hurtful.

[musinglizzy]

I don't mind boundaries as long as they are consistent from day 1. If they start switching them around whenever suits them, ESPECIALLY without informing the client about it, I have a hard time with that. I would have a very hard time with hard boundaries. They make me feel like a worthless piece of crap.

What are hard boundaries?

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

What are hard boundaries?

I think it is different for everyone

Here are some examples, but highly colored by my opinions:

No Boundary=T lets you call anytime whenever you want
Flexible boundary=you can call occasionally or when in crisis
Hard Boundary=no contact between sessions

No Boundary=unsolicited hugs from T without asking first
Flexible boundary=you can occasionally ask T for a hug
Hard Boundary=No touch, no handshakes whatsoever

those are 2 examples, I guess everyone defines it differently

I think the hard boundary ' can become just a boundary if accompanied by a discussion around it.

The first time I saw my ex-T she expressed very firm boundaries about the session time. I was to stick to the set session time and had to pay whether I went or not. Looking back this kind of terrified me. Terrified is a strong word, but I think it expresses how I felt, though I wasn't really aware of it at the time. I think you would probably consider this to be a hard boundary and it made me feel powerless - all the power was with her. It made me feel like a child. (With hindsight I never should have started seeing her).

[divine1966]

I don't know if these are boundaries or not. T and i don't hug and don't shake hands. But I have no need for that either. I don't know if it is a boundary. If she started hugging me I'd be very puzzled, and I am very touchy feely. I just have no need with her. I think you can only call it boundary if I wanted to hug and she didn't?

She gave me her cell phone number and said you can call any time. I only call for scheduling but I guess I could for other reasons. If I started to call too much maybe she's tighten the boundaries. Don't know. I generally hate talking on the phone. I doubt I'd ever call for anything. If I am in crisis I would ask for emergency session which I did twice and she found time for me right away. I had to take off work but I was going to anyways as no way I would work in crisis ( I work with kids).

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Interesting, I have no idea what my T's boundaries are because I have very firm boundaries myself and bump up against those before I find T's:

No Boundary=T lets you call anytime whenever you want - I would not dream of imposing on someone's time outside the agreed periods.
Flexible boundary=you can call occasionally or when in crisis - she says I can, but I never have
Hard Boundary=no contact between sessions - see above

No Boundary=unsolicited hugs from T without asking first Are you joking, we are British?
Flexible boundary=you can occasionally ask T for a hug - see above
Hard Boundary=No touch, no handshakes whatsoever - That's more like it

And to my surprise, I am quite impressed with CBT.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Interesting, I have no idea what my T's boundaries are because I have very firm boundaries myself and bump up against those before I find T's:

No Boundary=T lets you call anytime whenever you want - I would not dream of imposing on someone's time outside the agreed periods.
Flexible boundary=you can call occasionally or when in crisis - she says I can, but I never have
Hard Boundary=no contact between sessions - see above

No Boundary=unsolicited hugs from T without asking first Are you joking, we are British?
Flexible boundary=you can occasionally ask T for a hug - see above
Hard Boundary=No touch, no handshakes whatsoever - That's more like it

And to my surprise, I am quite impressed with CBT.

Made me laugh diet coke out my nose. See? Boundaries ARE different for everyone.

Your handle reminded me of the Cohen Bros so I never would have guessed UK.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

The Big Lebowski is one of my favourite films in the universe.

[growlycat]

[Jessica Hazlitt]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Does your T have hard boundaries (in your opinion).

Have they helped your therapy or hurt it? I am trying to look objectively at my CBT therapy. I know from past experience that harsh boundaries are not something I work with well. In fact, past therapy has fallen apart because of it. Everyone needs some kind of boundaries to keep therapy safe. ?How much is too much?

I am much like you, but thankfully my T is willing to be flexible so long as he doesn't think it will be harmful. We have a lot of physical contact in session, but it's been made perfectly clear that inappropriate touching would not be permitted. So there are some boundaries that are fixed to preserve the working relationship, but others that we can experiment a little with. I think it all comes down to the individual client and T. My first CBT guy was very prim and proper and if I had asked him to sit on the floor with me (physical issue makes this more comfortable than chairs) he would definitely said, no, we are grown ups. So his were very fixed, to the point that caused minor harm to me, and destroyed any hope of a working relationship. Likewise I have a friend also in therapy, and when I told him about a session where me and T held hands, he freaked out. For him this would have been totally creepy, but for me, it was perfectly appropriate in that moment. So again, my way of being is taken into consideration with boundaries.

You should talk openly with your T and see if some middle ground can be met to make things more comfortable for you, but whilst still protecting you, your T, and the working relationship.

Good luck x

I have no idea what kind of boundaries she has as I never, ever do anything that might even come close to bumping up against a boundary. I have no clue.

[ruh roh]

I agree with musing--they just need to be consistent. Mostly, I want to find my own boundaries and have them respected, which is what's evolved as we go along. Doing it that way makes me feel more comfortable with my therapist than if I were trying to guess what she will "allow" and then feeling like I have another person in my life to tiptoe around.

[atisketatasket]

My boundaries are firmer than my therapist's. Her big one appears to be that out of session contact must be by phone, at a reasonable hour. And no social media contact. Both of these are just fine with me. Other than that, she offers stuff like touch, and I decline. So I guess I like hard boundaries.

I'm not sure paying for a missed session without notice is a boundary - my dentist would do the same thing if I missed an appointment without notice.

We honestly never discuss boundaries. I know what his are; he knows what mine are. How? Just from getting to know each other. Just from respecting each other's time and space, yet being accessible when extra support is needed. That's just normal human relationships quite honestly. I guess you would call them flexible boundaries which in my opinion are the healthy kind.

[musinglizzy]

It's interesting to read everyone's take on boundaries. I kinda wish I was like some of you who have your own hard boundaries. It would have made life a lot easier for me! In my experience, it is very damaging to have a T offer one thing, then decide there's a time limit and take it away after awhile. What's even more damaging is T not talking about it, and letting the client just figure it out on their own. This is what I've been through, and I've found it quite harmful. And I find myself wasting time by watching for any new changes...afraid she is going to change something else and I'm just going to have to realize it for myself. If I had it to do over again, I would have talked about boundaries in the beginning till I was blue in the face. So I knew what to expect. Although, I did briefly bring the subject up beforehand, and really the only boundary she gave me is no gifts.

[Chummy]

I have never discussed boundaries with my T. Or any other T. I don't think I've ever crossed one. I know I can email her when I want and I always get a response back though not always immediately. She has a cell Phone for work that I'm allowed to call, but it's only on during certain (work) hours. But I've never called her (unless it's about an appointment) and I don't email her often because I don't want to bother her too much.

I'm interested in what her boundaries are. I want to ask her about it, but I'm a bit scared to do that. I'm always scared to ask questions.
Ever since I started therapy at 16 years old, I kind of create a distance between the T and me. I'm afraid to do something wrong or get rejected, so I don't even try or ask certain things. But maybe T's boundaries are more felxible then I think, but does T think that I have boundaries (like that I don't want a hug) by how I act.

[BayBrony]

My T's boundaries are pretty loose. No showing up at her house, no calling just to chat, a few times a year she "unplugs" for a week, no physical violence towards anyone including myself in session, don't threaten her or her family .....When I ask about it she laughs and says she couldn't imagine me messing up her boundaries. She invited me to her yoga class though I don't have the courage to go yet....she sits on the floor with me sometimes but she broke her hip and had surgery and so it's not always comfortable for her to be on the floor. I get an embarrassing amount of physical affection from her though I always want more. I am really ticklish and when we are dealing with my inner child I sometimes get tickled. The other day at the end of the session she said "wow I really have to pee! Good thing you weren't tickling me!".
Now I have zero erotic transference just a strong playful mischievous streak...but I was like "that's an option? I didn't know that was an option". She smirked at me and said "well it probably wouldn't be therapeutic"..but no boundaries going up..so it's hard to find much she isn't OK with.

[msxyz]

If someone starts therapy and that's the first thing a therapist wants to talk about I think they have issues. Same if they have extremely rigid boundaries, a long laundry list of no no's.

[nottrustin]

We never discussed boundaries. T has very loose boundaries with me but we have been seeing each other for about 6 years. I don't know how she is with other clients. Fairly early on during traumatic work she asked if she could give me a hug. For about 6 months after she asked me this at the end of every session. Now she just give me a hug at the end of every session. Which has been very therapeutic because hugging others usually makes me anxious.

I have her email, cell and home phone. She prefers not to use her cell phone for business reasons. A couple of specific times she requested I use her cell phone so I have. I rarely call her as I don't want to interrupt if she is busy. We email quite a bit both for T type things and non T. I figure then if she is available and not busy she can respond.

We have what I guess is considered a dual relationship which I know id frowned upon but for us we are able to make it work. We are able to separate the different relationships and respect each other..

[scorpiosis37]

I would not do well with a T who had hard boundaries. I need a T who feels warm, caring, and affectionate. I don't need between session contact (though my T does allow it and I have used it occasionally), but I do need human warmth during the sessions. That said, I think consistent boundaries are even more important than whether they are loose or firm. I need to be able to know what my T's boundaries are and I need to know that she will not unilaterally change them. My T never initiated a conversation about boundaries or volunteered what they were but, over time, I asked about them and she has always kept them the same. They are different for different clients but once she offers something, she doesn't take it away. (I mean, if a client violated her boundaries, she might make them former but that isn't an issue in my case). knowing what T's boundaries are and that they won't change makes me feel safe and allows me to trust her.