Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Today was such a good session. You are so patient with me. I love how you wait for me to let go when we hug. I feel so loved and cared about. You are the best!

I wish I knew why you stopped responding to my emails. I know you used to only respond like once every two weeks, but then you just stopped. Tomorrow I won't see you for the first time in over 18 months (not counting breaks). It's going to be weird, but I guess you were right, there's really no need for me to see you twice a week. I'm going to miss that hour of solitude in the end of my week, though and I'll miss seeing you.

so what will it be tomorrow - "hunting elephants"? or do I share the recent good stuff? Or can we figure out time for both? I need to figure out how to afford weekly sessions for awhile.

30 pages in two days..... Yikes!

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

T

I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't want to try anymore.
I need to reach out to you.
What would I say?

EM

Dear G, I am still feeling very fragile after being in the psych unit for 9 days. Things fell apart, and I'm still not quite sure how. Was it really just yesterday that I met with you? It feels like forever, but I guess I had to switch gears and go back to class in the evening, and then that's all I was focused on. Today was an okay day. I went to the park with my sister and darling little Desi, and I got some reading done for class and got some autumn leaves from a different park for a children's craft activity, and now I am crocheting, because I rediscovered in the hospital that crocheting is very grounding for me. I'm glad I get to see you again next week. I love you, and I'm not going to waste time thinking that I shouldn't love you. I just do, and it is what it is.

I don't know how to reach out when I have no words.

Dear T: well the Realization Train made a stop in my psyche last night. Perhaps is the reason why I get so out of proportion mad at hubby sometimes (not that I show him most of the time) is because he is not a woman?! o.m.g.

I see you today. Finally. Not sure how to express how my past couple of days have been since you triggered me in session. Still not sure if it was on purpose or not... I hope not but I know T's are willy and sneaky sometimes. I hope today will be productive and I'll be able to leave in a better state then I'm arriving...

EM

T,

worried about you dying. i feel there is legitimate fear because of the weather. i wont see you til tuesday this time. stop going away it makes me go nuts.

me

On TV, when male and female colleagues are attracted to each other but held back by professional ethics, they usually wind up saying "**** the rules".

I've always been a ****-the-rules guy myself, but then you're well aware of that. Someday I'd like to draw that attitude out of you.

Why can't life be more like TV? (on which, as the song says, the sun always shines.)

T,

I need to get it emotionally that I'm nothing but one patient among many.

You said "trust is mutual" when I said I felt safe and trusted you. Then you said "of course I won't trust you to the max!" with a laugh.

"Of course, obviously!" I said, laughing too, but secretly I was crushed, even though I know it's true.

I will never matter much to you. I'm replaceable. I'm not special or unique. I know that already.

I know I was mean to you today but I wasn't enjoying it. It wasn't funny and I didn't feel better after. I am not sorry for it, but I want you to know it didn't feel good.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Totally nuts for you, T. Crazy. Obsessed. **** the rules.

We're gonna have to have 'the talk' aren't we?

No! Not *that* talk - my id is still WAY out of bounds.

I mean that talk. About weaponry. You ok with that? This is one of those times where we are each others worst nightmare. I don't want to piss you off

Dear Pdoc

I miss you. I want to be with you. For real. For always. But it can't. Never. I'm nothing to you. Just a patient. One of many. It hurts like hell.

T, I'm still in an odd place about yesterday. I'm not even sure how to work on it. I feel stuck. Just like I didn't know how to talk about it yesterday, now I don't know how to think. And as always seems to happen when I'm thoroughly stuck, my mind starts spinning fantasies, which is weird, because I don't feel that way about you at all... Sigh.

Dear t: Oh jeez louise i was so embarrassed when you asked that question. I am glad that you don't have bright florescent lights in your office, you'd of seen every shade of red that I turned. I really really like the natural light from the windows. Keep it that way okay?

You just keep nailing me with your loving care. You give me so much. I will not fail you. I will not fail myself.

I am going to try to forever stay in the moment when we hug. I feel safe and loved and happy there.

help!

I trusted you and what do I get? You turned your back on me and betrayed me in the worst way you possibly could have. Don't think just because you don't hear from me anymore that I forgot.

I will never forget the years of anguish you caused me. NEVER.

Dear Ts colleague,

Thank you for providing me with a session last week when I really needed it. I felt such a relief being able to talk to someone about everything that's going on. It's good seeing you too, because each time I do I see how far I've come from the first time I walked through that door and met you. You see the change too! How amazing is it that I can talk? How cool is it that I don't shake constantly? How wonderful is it that I can look at you. All these things have been built so that T and I can do the hard work. Thanks for being there when T is not.

And thanks for your astute and somewhat challenging questions and observations.

TWF

I'm so happy we're good, and my behavior didn't ruin everything.

Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk

Dear T

It's hard, to look at the positive things and to say ''stop'' everytime I think about something negative or think a ''yes, but...''. It's like I'm drawn to the negative. Like I don't want to look at the positive or like I shouldn't or I'm not allowed to. I kind of want to feel bad. We have talked about why I often long to feel bad when I don't feel bad/feel numb. But maybe there are also other reason why I don't want to look at the postive? I can think of several things, but I'm not sure if it's that. I feel like I shouldn't look at the positive, I shouldn't be positive. But why exactly? I'm just not sure why.
How can I get better or change when I also want or feel the urge to sabotage myself. Looking at the negative things, thinking bad thoughts, reading things that make me feel bad/sad, not taking the right dose of medication (not doing that yet, but it's a thought).
I don't know what to do. I don't get myself. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want.