Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

um t, i just realized something when you were talking about the elephant that was in the room last week, were you thinking....? OMG no. Never. Not once. Honestly and truly. I would not be able to face you if that were ever true.

It's so hard to come back to my 'real life' after leaving your office. This is why I always email you shortly after I get home. I'm trying to resist the temptation to do so now. I just... meh.

You are such a special gift. I feel like Christmas morning when I get to see you.

Dear T,

I missed you. I feel cared about that you told the clinic to slot me in on Wednesday. If you hadn't, it would be 9 weeks before I get to see you again.

I am touched that you said you felt apologetic that we haven't been meeting fortnightly as agreed upon.

Dear T

I don't want to see you today. I look so ugly. I'm breaking out all over my face. I don't know why. But I look so ugly right now, I don't want people to see me. And I don't want to talk. I'm tired. My mind is tired. I can't really think. Maybe I've given up?
Last week you talked about that I do my homework, but that I do it for you and not for myself. You were right about that. But how can I do the homework for me. I can't believe that it can help me, others yes, but not me. And I just don't care. I don't care about me. I don't care about anything. I just don't care. It's just how I feel. I don't know what to do about that.

Dear MC,
I love that, despite the fact that you know about my transference for you and that I've done things like text you at 3 am recently, you still made a joke about how I'm doing a bad job of stalking you because, when I saw you in the parking lot this morning, I waved and waited at the outside office door for you to walk up (instead of hiding while letting you go on ahead). And I like how, even though you were running really late for those clients' appointment and had to rush back to your office with them, you still poked your head back out the door and told me, "Take care." Helped make me a little less nervous for my p-doc appointment.

Dear T
Well I did it. I fired you. I feel sick. My hear is broken, but I felt I had no choice. I'm afraid...very afraid. It hasn't really sunk in yet. I'm alone now. I have no one to blame but myself. For over 20 years, you've been my lifeline. now it's all gone....

Do you care?

Where are you? I'm not doing good without you around.

Did you think for one moment about the ramifications to me before calling her into the picture??? I mean what on earth were you thinking?? You couldn't resist your own self gratification to flirt with her and brag to your colleagues how you were going to "make us friends"??

What kind of nonsense is that??

You nearly destroyed me emotionally. That's showing 'em how much you "care" about your clients.

You are great. I think we're doing well. BUT - You assumed the worst in me. You took something utterly innocent, something naive and really positive, and turned it in to something dirty. And whats more, that incorrect assumption you made horrified you. I horrified you. Again. Knowing that is how you feel - all id privileges are OFF the menu. You don't get to crawl up inside my id. EVER. How can I possibly let you shine your torch in all those nooks and corners when you find me at my most innocent, so horrifying. Its not happening. It will never happen. Stop fishing. We have enough to be going on with.

Why didn't you just TALK to me? I was right there in your office and you didn't even ask me or tell me what was on your mind. Why all the secrets??

Why going behind my back? I thought you were there to help ME??

Why did you do this to me?? I needed you.

dear T

i feel like a lot of my problems are making a recurrence right now because of my grandma dying. to be honest i have pushed it out of my head so far that it does not affect me directly... like i do with pretty much everything

me

Perhaps I understand now what you were referring to as the elephant in the room. Get over yourself okay? If you saw love in my eyes when I was looking at you, it was coming from 15 because now that you're back - she's remembering grandma's understanding and caring of her and you know that you are the age now, that grandma was when I was 15, and, yeah. I haven't explained that yet have I. That's what was so healing last time. 15 was feeling her feels and soaking it all up. It didn't have anything to do with anything else at all.

You are right I need education on this disease..... I hope I can find the support.

Sent from my QTAQZ3 using Tapatalk

I'll admit my feelings for you can sometimes be conflicting, but that are all crystal clear to me. However you keep trying to convince me they are 'confusing' and as such keep repeatedly asking if maybe you are no good for me. It feels like you are trying to convince me to terminate because you want it, but want to be absolved of responsibility. I don't appreciate mind games, but the tenacity we both admire in me won't let me quit, especially in this manner. If you want me to go for your sake then just ask me, be honest with both of us. I never before considered you cowardly. Two years down the line is a bad time to start.

Pdoc,

Every time I think of you, it is with dread.

Dear T,

You are on a break, so I can't talk to you. I've had a very triggering day, I'm trying to process it all but now doing a great job at it. It's out now, no one left to tell. They all know. Some are very hurt, some are veey supportive. I just hope I can get some sleep tonight with all this going around in my head.

TWF x

dear t,
I have to stop with the 50 minute sessions. I don't want to but I haven't yet figured out how to pay for them. Let's go back to 25 minutes ok?
Honestly now that I've moved it's not an issue as far as travel time. I have to drive most of the way to get home from work anyways, you're only
another what 6 miles from my house. No biggie. Oh and it's Panther. Why do you keep calling him Jaguar?
me

dear T
18 weeks to go now. maybe. i don't know anything after last week's sudden cancellation. i suppose i'll wait for your input?
It's been hard here: i started transfusion today and i feel so alone. but you were due and the health thing and obsessing SI felt big, upsetting and off-time to tell you, while the post bf thing felt too pathetic for what you were going through. i sometimes think about how great and full of love your life must be and then i get to the conclusion i'll be alone forever. i really can't get over this.
i hate myself so much. anyway this was just what has been going through my mind lately, obsessively. i am even sure you have never been where i am or had my issues if you didn't understand that i cant afford a flat downtown. ah t, i really love you (not in a creepy way) but right now i just need to get you off the pedestal. stop having so much power over me..

Dear Pdoc

These last few days I've been feeling sort of alright. Not bad, but not good either. Just alright, calm, maybe a little numb. And this scares me. Though I hate feeling so depressed and that feeling is often almost unbearable, I don't really like this feeling. Maybe it's because I haven't felt good in such a long time and that's why it's a bit scary, I don't know this feeling. That's what my T says and she's right. But I don't think that's the only reason.
If I continue to feel like this, or feel even better, then
And if this medication is the right one for me, then I'll have to stop seeing you. And I don't want to stop seeing you. But I also don't want to see you again and I wish I had never met you. My feelings for you are confusing me. It's probably better to quit seeing you. But I like seeing you. And if I wouldn't see you again, it will hurt me so much and I don't know for how long those feelings of hurt will last. But I know I'll have to stop seeing you eventually. You're just my pdoc. Nothing more

I was thinking maybe I should lower my dose, then I those bad feelings will return again. Or to just lie to you about how I feel. But I shouldn't do that. That's not good for me. And maybe this is just temporarely. It has happen before. And I almost hope it is.
I know I won't tell you all of this, but it's probably better to talk to T about this.

I'm such a horrible person.

here i go again over-analyzing things you say. the other day you said something about the whole being in person again works for me. it sounded almost... like a very subtle kind of insult almost. i can't imagine that you meant it to sound like that but that's how i heard it. like you think less of me or something because i'm glad your back in town and we're working in person again. i need to feel these new feelings for a bit. i wonder if my own feels are trying to tell me something. maybe it was just your elephant in the room comment is buggin me more than i know. hopefully i'll be over this before thursday because there's much more exciting stuff to talk about than me thinking or probably imagining that you slighted me. then we can go back to every 2 weeks k? or maybe even stretch it out to 3 I don't know yet.

Goodbye T. You were so important to me. Now you're gone and I don't know what to do....I never saw this coming.

Dear T,

I have been avoiding it. I think we need to revisit why I am lacking in confidence.

You told me I'm not a bother.
I don't believe you.
I am.
To everyone.
Always.
I try not to be.
I try not to be seen.

I don't have the words to tell you just how bad I feel at the moment.