Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dead T

I know you feel like I left the hospital too early. I really hope someone cancels Wednesday so I can see you before starting PHP. I really don't want to go to PHP but you said I have to.

I probably would have stayed at the hospital if they did weekend discharges but I didn't want to stay until Monday. I miss you but I know you will be disappointed with my progress.

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Well, i feel like i have reached the end of your frustration level. You can now clearly see that I am pathetic and unwlling to change even if my life as is isn't very great. I feel so strongly that I called and left you a message telling you its ok if you want to give up on me. I get it. I am too much. Now, i just need to wait and see if you agree.

Dear T,

I'm going to wait to call for an appointment or at least check on my insurance with you to see if covered. I know that you are on the cusp of retirement and I'd rather get through my rough patch first.

Me

I really hope more things do not change. I still think you are a good T and you have done so much to help me. I am afraid of the future but I know that I am missing out on what is happening in the present by focusing on the future.

I really hope I can hold this all together.... Things are getting tricky.

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My dear t: I'm in one of those thinking moods again where it started with me working on my homework, but has morphed into me now worrying about how I will ever say goodbye to you at some point down the road. I know therapy is not supposed to be forever. It can't be anyway. We are not vampires who will live forever either one of us. I have known you as my t for 4 years this month. 4 years, T! This is astounding to me when I think about it. I cannot imagine you not in my life. Does not compute. I suppose we should talk about this.

I'm feeling on a more stable footing lately and have been wondering whether I still need a therapist.

But I do need YOU.

To this day, I can't believe you would do this to me and walk away. After I put my trust in you. I believed in YOU and all you cared about was impressing someone else. Betraying me was easy for you. I don't know how you could do it and live with yourself. NO conscience I guess.

You may convince others that I am to blame but you are just lying. You are lying to everyone. YOU and I know the truth. Yes, you know exactly the real motivations behind your actions and so do I. You were misguided and I was the one who had to suffer for your bad behavior.

Have you no clue at all how much this has hurt me?? Oh but I think you do know. I believe you know very well. You continued to turn your back on me and ignore the situation. You write about me with your pseudonyms with no guilt whatsoever. So how is that working out for you? Making good money?

Is that what therapists do? Make money off of their client's tragedies? I was so naïve.

In my eyes you are guilty for so many misdeeds. You are a sad case.

I'm still waiting for your apology.

Dear T

I really wish I could see you this week but I understand that you expected me to still be in the hospital. I really don't want to go back to PHP but you want me there. So I guess I will just have to wait 3 weeks to see you.

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well t since i did not finish my homework yet, i did work on it twice though, i guess i won't be texting you tomorrow asking to talk on thursday. i really need to get myself back on the every 2 weeks schedule anyway money-wise. My h is a little annoyed with me that I have gone 3 weeks in a row. I wish I could just tell him it is what it is I need to do what I need to do for ME and he needs to let me figure out how to pay for it. Because I will. I am already half-planning, but haven't shared it with him yet, I can still go weekly for now while I feel like it is helping me to do so and use my credit card for the time being. I put a set amount from each paycheck into my separate therapy account, so I figure I could just pay that amount to my credit card every paycheck, and then pay the rest off in January when the overtime starts at work. It won't be that terrible much interest. It'd be worth it anyway to me. They're predicting even more overtime than last year, because the company I work for just bought another similar company and we'll have a ton of new members to sign up. So it shouldn't be a problem. I don't anticipate wanting to do weekly for much longer anyway.... why am I so hesitant to just TELL my hubby what I want to do? I work full time I should not have to ask his permission but he acts like I do.

T, i wish i didn't feel the need to contact you out of session. this weekend in particular. I've called once, e-mailed twice, and i only saw you yesterday. i am feeling very bad, and feel like i have no one to turn to, but htat shouldn't be you. i'm sorry.

T,

miss ya

me

I need to see you twice a week right now, but I will not ask. I don't want admit I am regressing right now after we have made so much progress.

You effing made me tell you one of my secrets and then misunderstood me and humiliated me. I know I raised my voice at you but you were being so wrong. Why couldn't you have asked for clarification instead of jumping to the wrong conclusion. You decided my issue was mild and it wasn't. So now I feel a million times worse for having had to correct you. I have wanted to call you every hour and yell at you. Why can't you be perfect?!

I am so sorry I scared you tonight. That was totally not my intention. I do have to admit that it feels good to know how far you'd go to see that I'm OK. Your reaction was much like a parent in that you were angry at first when you finally reached me and then you softened and you told me that you were happy that I was not dead or hurt. Next time, if this happens again, I will make sure that I can feel my phone vibrating when I'm in a meeting so you don't worry.

Waiting for tomorrow to hopefully see u

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T, I'm afraid to believe that any improvement can last for very long. It never has before. I'm too self-destructive to allow it.

well, it seems i got worse, fast. called you again, and e-mailed you again. i took tomorrow off work because all i did was cry tonight. thankfully you seem concerned and are willing to see me tomorrow, i am sorry for being so horriblee.

I'm counting down the days, 4 of them, until we meet. I don't think anything I have to talk about warrants and email, but 2 weeks seems sooo long to wait!
I'm also worried about when you are planning on retiring. You've never mentioned it. How far down the road is it? 2 years? 5 years? I suddenly need to know. Maybe because it was (will be on the 14th) a year ago that T1 told me about her cancer. That was, for me, the day I lost her.

I need you, I am dependent on you and you are important to me. I will not fight it anymore.

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T,
I am really really angry with you. I am surprised that my anger has stayed with me as long as it has. I am trying to decide if showing up for my next appointment and being angry with you or just skipping out all together is the best option. I want you to know how badly I feel. I want you to know how valuable my time is, and how it makes me feel so undervalued that you can just repeatedly forget to tell me you are going to be out of the office. The thing is, you are supposed to be there for me and you weren't. I can't even pay anybody for support.. I want to email you again, but yet something keeps me from doing it. I know that since you are out of town, you probably won't respond and I worry about annoying you. Why should I care about how you feel? You obviously don't really care about me.

WTF is your problem today?

dear T

youre back!! yay!! and the sun is out!!

i still haven't gotten my period yet. so my emotions are still wack. things are changing at work and i dont agree with them. i get irritated too easily ... i try really hard not to let it show , but you know me T. it shows.

me

What means 😈? That looks like a devil. Hmm. You no like my ☀ on a rainy day? I try to make my own sunshine when it's raining don't ya know.

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Dear T and Pdoc

I can't do this. I don't want to. It's all pointless. I don't want to excist. I'm so tired.