i am a complete idiot

i think i am . i have been having such a hard time communicating with my T lately . i have been feeling like she doesn't believe anything i say . i feel she is frustrated with me . i asked her what she meant when she told me i was making things up. she acted like that was something i would never say . she also said something to the affect that she doesnt remember anything of our last session and if i wanted her to respond to my question she wanted me to tell her the context in witch she used that . i was kind of devastated she didn't remember much of my last session .i know im not her only client and all that .i have never really felt the need to be .but it would be nice if put some energy in trying to remember what was said.anyway i guess that isnt how things work and it is way much for me to expect that .i understand this . but she did give me a chance to tell her what was going on. she asked me if this is something i am needing to work out .if so i need to tell her what it is . i told her some. she also said we could look at why im feeling like this . i know i have talked to her some about how sitting in that stupid chair makes me feel at times . but once again she really gave me the chance to talk about it and being the idiot i am i just avoided it and kept distracting . doing just what she said i was doing . i know that this shouldn't be such a big thing for me . i know it was just being made to sit in a chair . but i cant seem to let it go when i am in there and i am terrified to talk to her about it .like it is something that shouldn't matter ,that all she will do is argue that this isnt the mother putting me in a chair ,that it is therapy etc... but i feel this way at times .i know it isn't right but i cant let it go . it is so hard to speak out loud about something that should be such a non issue . im scared to ,i cant even look at it with her .i just wish i could let it go and when she is just sitting there quiet i would feel that is all it is .not that she is enjoying my fear and misery. im an idiot.

sweet granite you are NOT an idiot... you are a human being who is struggling to overcome her past... I think you are very brave and strong working through things. can you show her this post? maybe write at the top of it 'i need to talk about this please start the conversation' or something? i have done that with my t in the past with things i couldn't make myself start a conversation about. sending safe hugs and gentle healing energy your way dear granite.

eta: my t often forgets things SHE has said, because she focuses so much on remembering what I say. She even told me straight up one time "I never remember what I say" with strong emphasis on the second I. Maybe this happens with your t too. (I think my t can be a little flighty sometimes, but I love her to pieces anyway!)

My T does that too- yesterday she mentioned something I'd told her two years ago, I was like, "wow" but on the other hand, when I remind her of something she's said two days ago, she's been pretty oblivious at times.

I really wonder, Granite, if you two might benefit from doing a lot of grounding work before focusing on disclosures. You seem to feel so unsafe, and I understand that- when I felt so unsafe in therapy, I didn't get a lot of work done, because I was emotionally closed up. I had to work a lot on simply feeling safe and calm before talking about things of substance, and that work was invaluable. Just creating a little feeling of relaxation, connection, etc.

My therapist and I did it in a few ways. She helped me with some anti-anxiety exercises when I had panic attacks, and gave me some more relaxation exercises when I asked. She was open to chatting about easier topics, like favorite foods or other simple day to day topics. She would do creative visualizations with me, so we were entirely focused on the positive. In one, I got to imagine a safe space- I chose a dorm room because I loved the idea of college so much, and in another I got to decorate a tree in the woods however I wanted, in great detail around Christmas time, etc. She would also read to me for a few minutes if I wanted, which helped me calm down, poetry or Little Women or Velveteen Rabbit, etc. a few pages here and there. I also helped make therapy a relaxing and safe space with my own little rituals - I wear a shawl I can wrap up in, I drink my favorite tea, and I pull a little Angel Card for inspiration: one of them is Compassion, I'm sending you compassion so you can be compassionate with yourself. You're not an idiot- sometimes, we need to tell ourselves the truth- we're scared, not idiots, many times, and that eventually quiets the false, critical voice which probably used to protect us and which we don't need anymore.

Yeah, me too.

The first one I see does not remember anything. Seriously she is like a giant sieve brain or altzheimer's victim from what I can tell. I generally choose to simply ignore that she cannot remember anything

im an idiot. - Everyone is, it is called the 'human condition'.

Granite,
You have made such great strides if you look over the long haul of your time with T....My T has to still constantly remind me to 'check in' when he says something that doesn't resonate or I don't understand. Since I'm horrible at eye contact, I usually just look up at him and shake my head. Then ask him to say it another way so that I can hear it better or understand the context better. Sometimes I have to email between because I remember what he said and I get hurt or confused. He ASKS me to do this and if your T does not, ask her if it is okay when things sting after therapy time if you can check in sooner when she might remember better. I try really hard to listen, but sometimes he just uses a word or says something that he meant kindly but it creates a reaction in me and then I'm not attached and listening. You are NOT an idiot nor am I, we just have gentle souls that are a bit more 'aware' of things people say or how they say it and sometimes we need to be more careful to ask again or confirm...
Be patient with yourself and your T....you are doing great...

Wysteria Blue