I can't do it (tw)

I think it makes total sense. I can relate. It is part of the human condition I guess.

Again, I can relate. Maybe you have not given up on yourself, you just want to know that someone really cares. Nothing wrong with that.

I don't think so. I don't care about my future at all, I just want out constantly. It's different than before. I don't want anything in the future, no plans or dreams or goals. Just out. I don't care about finishing school or anything. I never thinj about thingsI want out of my life, just that I don't want it anymore, I don't want another Christmas or another spring. I don't care at all about having a good or happy life, about recovering or about anything. It feels too late. I'm afraid to admit this aloud.

I've felt this worsening for awhile, I was afraid to tell my ex-T because I was so desperately terrified of her abandoning me. It was already so bad at XMas that I was happy to need the gallbladder surgery because I thought the physical pain might destract me from the pain of day after day of a life I don't want.

But I think I want to know I'm worth help anyway.

Pink I don't recall if you are on meds. Do your meds not work?or you aren't on any?

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I'm on meds and they actually do help a lot. I actually think the new meds are the only thing keeping me alive. They get me through my work day, but they don't help with the self-hatred.

I fainted at work today, it was so embarrassing. I think it was an anxiety thing. I had been there like half an hour and had to leave. I was anxious about seeing the jerk I slept with.

It may have been a blood loss thing.

Maybe, I feel better today anyway.

I'm completely terrified of therapy now. I'm actually considering not going back to the new one on Tuesday. I don't like that I feel like I need help so badly right now.

You need help and you need to go to therapy. I know you don't want to need the help, but you do so work on accepting that and get all the help that is available.

Your docs, here at PC, friends, your sweet little Maltese.

I wish you had daily, all day therapy!

You really, truly, honestly deserve to feel better.

Fainting must be very scary! You need to get better. Please don't give up

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You deserve to feel better.

I'm going to echo the posters say you deserve to feel better and that you should go to your therapy appointment because your T can help you feel better.

Thanks everyone. I think it's that fear of having the rug pulled out from under me when I'm so desperate. It's hard to go to therapy and trust when I'm still suffeeing because of "therapy" (I know my situation wasb't really Therapy anymore but it started out that way and ended up damaging me more).

I think you're expecting the rug to be pulled away *because* of what happened with your previous T. If you're in a desperate state, most Ts would not abandon you. It sounds like you have a good one now, so do your best to trust in her and share your fears, too.

It makes me really nervous, especially because it's free through the psych hospital so if they decide I'm "better" or it's over or whatever, I have no choice. I think my anxiety is probably just running everywhere right now. I'm so afraid of starting to trust someone and being left like before.

I'm going to talk to her about it on Tuesday.

I hate that this obsessive worry is coming back right now. The meds were helping with it a lot, but I think I'm just SO ANXIOUS that it's breaking through. Not as bad as before, but still significant enough to really really freak me out.

I'm not trying to be mean, I swear! I totally understand that you're in a lot of pain right now. But it seems like you're self-destructing and that is actually causing a lot of your anxiety. I mean, you're putting yourself in a situation where you feel you will be abandoned. Are you unconsciously trying to reenact the past? Maybe you're trying to push your T away before she can push you away?

I'm saying this only because I have done that. Even now, I'm fighting against the feeling of pushing my T away. Now, my T has caused a major rupture btwn us. According to you, your T has done nothing.

I really think you need to calm down and realize that you are okay. You're hurting, but your life is not falling apart. You maybe feel like it is, but you are still here. You are reaching out here on PC, to your church mentor, you went to the hospital, you are still working (even if you're struggling). You are surviving the loss of ex-T.

Please please be open and honest with your T. If she doesn't know what's going on then maybe she might refer you to a higher level of care (if there is such since she works in the hospital).

And the meds don't seem to be helping enough. Maybe there's something you can take while you're struggling. My Pdoc prescribes me Ativan and Clonazepam for when I'm in a distressed state. They are just PRNs, so I don't take them when I'm doing well. And that's a good thing because the more often you take them, the more of a resistance you build up.

I am, I feel really uncomfortable needing help so badly right now and it scares me. Because if something happened again to show how little I'm worth, I don't think I could survive this time. I'm absolutely terrified. I also don't like that I feel as comfortable and safe with her as I do. I was hoping I wouldn't really like her.

That's the problem, she is really awesome. This makes me nervous. I swore I wouldn't trust another one but I can't help but trust her. It makes me really scared.

We are actually in the process of adding more support. The social worker was supposed to be meeting up with me by now, but it's taking awhile. I don't really want to see the social worker and inpatient is horrible here. But in terms of therapy she pretty much IS the highest level of care. She just wants me to have more support right now. I don't know, I feel like screaming and running.

When I feel like this, benzos like that are the only thing that help. My psychiatrist won't prescribe them. Neither would my other one. Clonazepam makes me feel almost like a normal person. I wish they would.

I'm going to be honest with her about how scared I am, I am going to tell her about exT on Tuesday as well. I'm going to tell her i'm afraid of being abandoned when I can't handle life.

Thanks for listening

At the risk of stating the obvious, sounds like you are caught in a spiral of projecting into the future what might happen. I guess that is what anxiety is largely. And one antidote is to find any sort of practice that brings the mind into the present. Meditation would be the classic one. But for me playing guitar kinda does it.

Even becoming aware of these patterns can be helpful for me sometimes. Or just a post-it on my computer saying "be present dumbass".

Anyway, not giving advice since that is not usually what people need, and it may well be that your distress is too great for this kinda of stuff, as mine often is.

Sorry for the rambling just thinking out loud.

Pink, I am sending you calming thoughts. Breathe.

I wish you peace.

Good night.

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. You are worth so much more than this!

I really hope you can talk to your therapist about this. She sounds like a good one. Try to accept what she is offering you, which is someone you can trust, who just wants to help you get better. I know it is hard, I am struggling with something similar myself at the moment; I'm afraid to accept what my therapist wants to give me, because I'm so attached to her already and what if the university takes her away from me? I think I just need to trust that they won't.

I've been trying to finish my degree over the summer, and I'm really struggling. A bachelor is supposed to take three years and it has taken me five, so I really don't want to add another year to that. But right now I am just staring at my piles of books and half-written assignments, thinking, "I can't do this, I really can't do this" over and over again. I really don't know what I'll do with myself if I don't finish this time, and that is really scary.

Deep breaths… one day at a time. Little victories are sometimes as impressive as the big ones.

Many people take much longer to get s degree. I wouldn't beat myself up over this.

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Do you guys think when I tell the new T on Tuesday, she will read my story about the ex-T and see it as me being a clingy boundary-pushing manipulator? I'm so nervous.

NO!! I do not. She will see your ex-therapist as the unprofessional whacko that she is.

Hopefully, she will also see how urgently you need help.

I'm so afraid of that because our relationship was way too close. Maybe codependent? Unhealthy and enmeshed for sure. 5 yrs is a long time to be like that.

But I'm so tired of struggling with it alone.

I mean really, what is wrong with me that I didn't leave years ago? I knew it was unhealthy.

i feel the same way about my former T