Scared by the degree of the split.

I didnt want to go to T today. I consiously was thinking about it being the last one for a week, and as its only a week I wasn't feeling to bothered, or so I thought.

I also felt resistence to going because of the amount of exposure I revealed of myself on Mondays session re a traumatic incident and T asking me how I dealt with it back then, and I replying, by acting tough. I couldnt get that 10yr old with arms folded tight and then for me to be crying in the session on monday.

When I arrived I said I didnt want to be there, then silence THEN a very clear awareness of this other person telling me not to go, not to talk,to reveal. I felt very imtimidated by this part and T was trying to get me to talk but the resistence and confusion was hard.

Eventually because I was scared, I said theres a battle going on for who is here today. T said can't you both be here? Well that threw me, threw the other one too and then the fight began.

I sat lost listning to this inner battle, until I found the strenght to say to T that a voice is saying "ok fine, you be here then" with that I just started crying.

I almost fell asleep and couldnt open my eyes because everything had become to bright. We must have sat for 20mins confused. Then T asked if I wasn't feeling hurt because of the break? and afraid to bring and show that hurt to her today???

Geez, did that fit! she said also that it seemed I was afraid to let her in to my hurt because then she would be right inside me and hurt me some more. Geez that fit too.

I told her I dont understand what next week is about. I dont get it, it just feels like shes doing it to hurt me. T nodded and said yes I know you feel like that, you feel I'm doing it in spite of your feelings, like your bio mother walked away despite of your feelings.

Gulp, as I drove home the reality of the fact that the original hurt wasn't done by T and cannot be fixed exactly by T, the original hurt has already happened, I can't no longer deny the hurt caused to and against ones identity to have your birth mother walk away. Its a wound so deep.

On the drive home I could see how I've tried unconsioulsy to fix that wound perfectly, to wipe out the original wound, but that cant be done, what is done is done. T taking a break next week is nothign to do with me, its not another abandoment, she can't abandom me in the same way.

The original wound/hurt has been split of and denied by me for so long that it is so unknown to me and appears as "another" it fights me, it does whatever it has to, to stay hidden, today and monday it had the light shined right on it.

I feel like theres another part to me now that is part of me, my hurt, my pain, its a feeling of wholeness, its less scary, i'm not on the defence so much because I've seen it, I know its there and I know I can bleed if someone hurts me, the game is up.

((Mouse))

Ohhh, I so understand your fear. I have just recently begun to understand my fragmentation and the great degree of dissociation (splitting) that I do. I too found it frightening and also sad. I told T how sad it made me and he understood...I also said that I felt it was progress, (like your feelng of wholeness) because when I first started coming to see him I didn't even realize I was splitting or dissociating--I just thought I was confused. Now I know that the confusion is part of the breaking away.

I told my T that I didn't want to give up my dissociation and he said he didn't think I had to--that the brain had a marvelous way of protecting me as a child--and so yours did too.

For me, it's about trying to stay in the moment more now because I don't want to be so sad in the future about missing huge chunks of my life, (but I guess that won't happen the more I become "whole").

I don't have alters, but I do have voices--so to speak--that tell me to clam up; don't tell; keep it in; etc., etc.

And I have had moments of great confusion in session--arggh, it's such an inner struggle.

So, be good to your little girl who was abandoned....and love her like a good Mommy. You can do that for her.

Best wishes.

Thanks sister, I feel very confused right now, and am confused because I feel something in me has gone/changed/lost??? I dunno..its just feels so weird, like you know things will never be quite the same again and its frightening. But its good to read others go through this to!

Sounds like this is one of those "pinnacle" moments in therapy...the fear of change...growth; yes, it won't be the same; it will be better!

All the way toward wholeness we go! Such a frightening journey....

The game is up...... What a statement. I have felt that lately with my pdoc as well.

I tend to like your T Mouse. She is so there with you. And you have found a way to make this pain an entitiy... separate from you? It is so much a desire to lose the pain and what was. It is recreated over and your experience shows that. I am glad that your T validated that and glad that you see it... It is not hidden. It is out there. The game is up. At least it is out there in full bloom to be looked at... perhaps more week after next.

((Mouse))