[ScarletPimpernel]

Okay, in my case, it's more like/dislike.

We keep going up and down, good session then bad session.

Last week was a bad session. She told me she needed to change my appointment times. She didn't ask. She said I'm flexible because I don't have a job. I was really hurt. I felt like she didn't care that it messes up my schedule on that day, that the lack of consistency is really bothering me, and that she didn't at least ask me nicely.

So I got fed up. I went T shopping this last week. I found 2 potential Ts. One turned out to have tighter boundaries than my T! And she thought that instant termination was okay. Second T seemed nice. Her boundaries were somewhere btwn first T and my T. But she wanted me to go through Medi-Cal and she was only going to offer 30min appointments if I did!

Well, I saw my T today. And what do you know, it was a good session. We talked about how I felt about changing my appointments. I even was honest and tild her I didn't like her and I went T shopping. And what does she do? She gives me advice on how to find my next therapist! We both were cracking up. It was like she was helping me get rid of her.

We also talked about my grievance letter. I gave it to her so she could edit it for me. I told her about how I keep reading about terminations here on PC. I told her it makes me feel like maybe my type of termination is normal and maybe I'm just making a big deal out of it. She told me I wasn't making a big deal out of it, and that what my ex-T did is wrong. She said it's up to the board to determine if ex-T was ethical or not, but that she thinks it does matter that I'm filling no matter what the outcome. So for once, w/o me asking for it, she listens to me and validates my feelings!

So now I like her again.

My group T thinks that she's not the T I want, but the T I need. Maybe he's right. And one of the group members told me it took several months with his T for him to feel a connection. So maybe I just need to be more patient and give it more time. It is a rebound relationship, and it's rare for those to survive. I wonder if things would be better btwn new T and me if ex-T didn't make her the middleman. Maybe now that ex-T is out of the picture, my T and I have a glimmer of hope that we can make the relationship work.

[atisketatasket]

I remember early on with No. 1, it seemed like all the odd-numbered sessions were productive, all the even-numbered ones, not so much. Now they're all just painful.

And who believes in instant termination? Not a good idea in my book unless the therapist is in danger or suddenly taken very ill.

As for the therapists we need, not the ones we want, I had a number of teachers like that, and in retrospect they were the best teachers I had. Though I disliked some of them mightily at the time.

Even if you take one step back for every two steps forward, the momentum is still forward.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Well last week was my fault for it not being a good week. Well, partially at least. I didn't express my hurt to her. I never seem to be able to express emotions in the moment unless you make me laugh or cry. And the problem is that my depression is atypical, so even when I am depressed, if I'm not crying you can't tell.

I just wish this back and forth would stop. We both know now that she can be supportive and caring. Now I need her to be consistent. I think she's a great T if she remains caring. I can see myself learning a lot from her. Even today she offered to go through the DBT workbook with me if I want her to. That's something ex-T refused to do.

Idk. I'm just desperate for stability. I've spent the last 6 months with emotions all over the place. I think I deserve a little break....even in my own therapy.

Well, as you know, that push/pull love/hate thing is part of what you deal with with your BPD, and if I remember right one of the skills taught in DBT is distress tolerance. No one can be 100% consistent 100% of the time -- that's inhuman -- so being able to accept a schedule change (relatively minor in the scheme of consistency issues) is probably a place to start.

Something to think about that struck me: You might also need to be aware of your own need to stay consistent and provide consistency within yourself with this T by not running when you feel any discomfort. You did good work going back and communicating your discomfort with the schedule change. The trick in the future is to voice that first to prevent the whole going on another T hunt drama in your life. Just think about how much less stressful your week would have been if you had voiced your concern in the moment and worked through it with her then and there. You have to create that consistency within yourself so that in those times those around cannot, you have yourself to fill that gap.

I do think she may be exactly the T you need right now, and I hope you'll continue to make gains while working with her. Glad it is going well.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree that the love/hate stems from the BPD. And right now it's a big mess. There's ideal T and mean T, and when I see mean T there's ideal ex-T I want to run to. My T pointed this out yesterday. I just didn't understand her point until you, lolagrace, made your post.

Yes, we're taught distress tolerance in DBT. And I actually asked my group T if some point he could go over the window of tolerance, and help to teach us how to widen our window. I'm not great at utilizing DBT skills. I never had someone to process rl by using the skills. I was just simply taught DBT.

I'm trying my best to not run away. It's not easy. I have worked hard to continue to stay with this T. She knows that things for me are really fragile when it comes to our relationship. Don't forget I'm still dealing with the betrayal of ex-T, and it's hard to put my trust into a new T. My instinct since day 1 has to been to run away. But I know I need to stay. My instincts also told me to choose her. Her boundaries are close to ideal for me. And she has shown effort into being more caring and supportive. Plus she's smart and does DBT which is the modality I need. You would probably think I lucked out again with Ts. I probably did.

I am trying. And things are getting better in my personal life. In the past month, I think I only cried twice for my ex-T. I am more functional in my daily activity. And I'm sticking with the group therapy and am actually enjoying it. I always show up to individual, and I'm 100% honest with my T. I know I need to learn how to process the emotions triggered while in the session. It not that I'm intentionally trying to suppress things. T says that for the future, if it happens again, I should email her so she knows what's going on.

I'm doing the best I can, and I think I'm doing a decent job considering what I went through and what I struggle with.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Hey, Scarlet,

Just wanted to add that the push/pull thing is quite common even if you don't have BPD. Wanting something, but not being sure if it is safe, and having a hard time dealing with uncertainty is quite distressing even for people who don't meet diagnostic criteria.

And, it's really nice to see you doing so well! I'm very happy for you, even if things aren't smooth sailing, they're so obviously better.

[iheartjacques]

Mine's not really love/hate, more like, he does really well most weeks, then once in a while he screws up and I get really mad.

[NowhereUSA]

Widening the tolerance window is a slow process. When I took DBT the first time six years ago, my window was small. I'd been coping by shutting everything down and I was a mess. The smallest thing would send me over the edge into target behaviors. When I took DBT this last year, even as it was my year of hell, I recognized that I was actually enduring a lot more than I did before. My target behaviors were few and far between.

Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit. As you use your skills, however incrementally, you will widen your window. I used this analogy in my group this last time and the facilitators thought it was a good one - we don't shame a child who is learning to walk and we expect a lot of bumps, bruises, and trip ups along the way. Instead we celebrate standing up, no matter how wobbly, we celebrate the first step, even if they land on their butt a millisecond later.

Idk about everything, I'm infrequent to PC these days, but I hope you take the time to give yourself credit.

[eeyorestail]

Just wanted to stop in and say I have been following your threads, Scarlet, and I think you have been doing really well holding up in a difficult situation. I had an old T who used to say I need to use the bad stuff in my life as "learning experiences" to "build character." This made me want to tell her to eff off, because I could really stand to have fewer sh***y "learning experiences," but I think what she meant was that in hard times sometimes you see what you are really capable of. And it seems to me like you are capable of a lot. :-)

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