[Soccer mom]

Since I am terminating with my T. on Monday, I have contacted some other therapists. I haven't had one say that they agreed that my sessions should have been spaced and most said the termination could have been handled better. My T. never said "I know how hard this will be so what will make it easier for you".

One potential T. I have been emailing with and she's the one who I met who has looser boundaries. I decided to email her that I am scared to death to develop transference again and maybe I'll just stop therapy for awhile. Or, do I just go straight to a psychodynamic T.

She has been great. She told me my T. did many things to intensify the transference. She said she would outline a plan to handle my transference and if it got too intense, then we would bring in an analyst. But, she feels she knows how to resolve my issues with current T. My T. now never shared a plan or anything - she would just say keep expressing my feelings and they will eventually work themselves out.

I can tell she really wants to help me and isn't scared of the transference.

[wheeler]

Awesome news!! Transference is hard enough, no need to make it any harder. Sounds like this T knows how to work with you.

[JaneTennison1]

Everytime I read a post you write about new T I smile for you. I am happy it sounds like new T really knows what she is doing. Transference feels awful at times but also know there is nothing wrong with you for developing it and I hope old T's reaction to it hasn't added shame to the pile of feelings you have. Working on it may be very healing.

You tried it with old T for a year and it didn't work, maybe this new style can do something for you?

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Everytime I read a post you write about new T I smile for you. I am happy it sounds like new T really knows what she is doing. Transference feels awful at times but also know there is nothing wrong with you for developing it and I hope old T's reaction to it hasn't added shame to the pile of feelings you have. Working on it may be very healing.

You tried it with old T for a year and it didn't work, maybe this new style can do something for you?

What a sweet thing to say.

I'm not sure how much experience she has with it, but she's willing to have a plan and knows it shouldn't be so intense. She wants me to see the plan and will know when we need to call in someone else but more as an addition instead of replacing her.

Yes, I totally have the shame even though I know I can't help it. It is such a crazy feeling. I really think old T. was just too much like my mom in her personality and her reactions. Unfortunately, we would probably get along great outside therapy. We have similar sense of humor and like to tease each other. I'll miss so much but I won't miss my intense feelings.

Current T. said to know it's not my fault but then the last session she got upset that I had seen another T. in May for advice and didn't want me seeing anyone before my last session with her. I wish she had said "I know this will be really hard for you. What can I reasonably do to make it easier". That probably hurts more than anything.

[precaryous]

"Current T. said to know it's not my fault but then the last session she got upset that I had seen another T. in May for advice and didn't want me seeing anyone before my last session with her."

**She's right, it's not your fault...it's an unmet need trying to be filled....as to her not wanting you to see another T before your last session with her...that's just too damn bad.

" I wish she had said 'I know this will be really hard for you. What can I reasonably do to make it easier'. That probably hurts more than anything."

**Exactly.

[unaluna]

We have similar sense of humor and like to tease each other.

My t does not allow teasing. My family used to tease me a lot and responding in kind became a habit for me. A reflex. Don Rickles could take lessons from me. But there is often fear or hostility or other unexpressed emotions behind it. So t doesnt play along, he has the presence of mind to ask me whats going on, what do i mean, what am i saying or thinking. No fun. I really noticed it when i saw my brother again recently, that i could act differently.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by hankster

My t does not allow teasing. My family used to tease me a lot and responding in kind became a habit for me. A reflex. Don Rickles could take lessons from me. But there is often fear or hostility or other unexpressed emotions behind it. So t doesnt play along, he has the presence of mind to ask me whats going on, what do i mean, what am i saying or thinking. No fun. I really noticed it when i saw my brother again recently, that i could act differently.

OK, I'm alarmed now...both of mine tease me, and I often tease back (or I stare at them blankly, my favorite response to everything). Teasing can be bad?

Soccer Mom, my two are very different from each other, and I find it helpful, actually. I hope you will find the new one, if you go with her, more helpful than the previous one.

[unaluna]

I think teasing can be bad if it is not balanced by affection, which was the case when i was growing up (heck still now!). I have told my t i hated it, and i think hes reacting to that. Sorry i should have made that clear.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Yes, I totally have the shame even though I know I can't help it. It is such a crazy feeling

I got this sense from your posts and I hope you can come to a place where you don't feel shame at all. Transference happens to a lot of people. No just in this kind of setting. Even in small settings. You feel how you feel, but you are not doing anything wrong.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Current T. said to know it's not my fault but then the last session she got upset that I had seen another T. in May for advice and didn't want me seeing anyone before my last session with her. I wish she had said "I know this will be really hard for you. What can I reasonably do to make it easier". That probably hurts more than anything.

This is hurtful and probably a very good example of the validation you crave, there is no harm in needing some care and validation, these are not bad things to want.

[JaneTennison1]

For what it's worth I think teasing is fine as long as it's in good nature. I can be snarky and have a dry sense of humour. Teasing is part and parcel but only as long as it never hurts anyone.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

For what it's worth I think teasing is fine as long as it's in good nature. I can be snarky and have a dry sense of humour. Teasing is part and parcel but only as long as it never hurts anyone.

Yeah. I got to the point of, if this is supposed to "build my character", make me the bigger person - HOW MUCH MORE PERFECT CAN I GET?? AM I NOT BIG ENOUGH YET? it was when i started screaming that people were like, sheesh, whats she so mad about all of a sudden? YEARS OF TEASING!!! but its over now. Im okay, really

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by hankster

Yeah. I got to the point of, if this is supposed to "build my character", make me the bigger person - HOW MUCH MORE PERFECT CAN I GET?? AM I NOT BIG ENOUGH YET? it was when i started screaming that people were like, sheesh, whats she so mad about all of a sudden? YEARS OF TEASING!!! but its over now. Im okay, really

Ugh, I hate that, my family would dig at me in the form of "just joking" yeah well i don't find it funny. Maybe I should classify what T and I do as friendly banter more than teasing.

[unaluna]

I think because i am such a pollyanna, so afraid to say anything negative to my t, that he will jump on even the slightest hint of disparagement from me, like its a freudian slip or something. Im always, oh no everything is fine its too scary to say negative stuff. With teasing you can always say "oh i didnt mean it". But did you? Sorry for the hijack - this is obviously a big issue for me. Thanks for the discussion jane

Originally Posted by hankster

its too scary to say negative stuff. With teasing you can always say "oh i didnt mean it". But did you?

Sorry to perpetuate the hijack but reading this has just made me have an absolute revelation about my own behaviour, my family, my upbringing as well as my respective relationships with the two Ts I've had. I relate so much and I didn't even realise it till now. So I just wanted to say a quick thanks

*backs off slowly and allows thread to get back on topic*

[Soccer mom]

It has become interesting. There are times the teasing is familiar. Other times I don't like it and am irritated. We teased each other a lot growing up and now I think it minimized my feelings. Hmmm. Another thing that fueled the transference yet somewhat felt safe and familiar.

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[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think because i am such a pollyanna, so afraid to say anything negative to my t, that he will jump on even the slightest hint of disparagement from me, like its a freudian slip or something. Im always, oh no everything is fine its too scary to say negative stuff. With teasing you can always say "oh i didnt mean it". But did you? Sorry for the hijack - this is obviously a big issue for me. Thanks for the discussion jane

I get it Hankster. Teasing is a huge thing with the stbx and his family. Words mean nothing to him. It's always 'oh, I didn't mean it'.

I do tease my T (and him me), but it's different. It's balanced out with honest communication. It's healthy teasing, and helps to lighten things when needed.

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[atisketatasket]

I must have been sensitive to teasing after helping start the hijack (), because when I saw one of them she asked if I minded being teased. I had to assure her it was fine so long as it wasn't hiding hostility.