When does it get better?

I've been in therapy for over three years; c-PTSD, childhood trauma, blah blah blah. Things just seem to get worse and worse as I go through all this. Transference, flashbacks, my relationship with my T has become unpredictable.

I don't see how my T is supposed to help me anymore, but there's no way I'd start this whole process over again. So I'm stuck spiraling downward. I feel hopeless and meaningless. I feel like a therapeutic failure. Everything we talk about, I feel, or she says turns into something bad. I am completely emotionally and mentally unbalanced, where before therapy, I was a functioning member of the high tech world.

My T repeats the mantra from Psych 101 - talk about it. talk about it. talk about it....I know not all therapeutic courses of treatment have positive outcomes, but I'm starting to feel like mine is having a decidedly bad result. But at the same time, the thought of leaving my T leaves me in even worse shape.

There is a part of me that's angry over this - like I got worse, so now I'm stuck because I would literally die if I stopped. If I knew back then what I know now, I think I would have just kept ignoring the pain and soldiered on.

I guess I don't really have a question in all this. I'm just hoping someone can say with honesty that it will be ok.

I think the best anyone could say with honesty is that it may be okay or that it got okay for them.
I hope it does get okay for you.

I know the therapy process can make life worse before getting better. Three years is a long time to watch your life get progressively worse, but certainly not unheard of.

I know you didn't ask for advice or anything, BUT... How long have you been on this downward spiral? What else does your T do to help you besides talk? I think talking is most important, but there needs to be more especially when childhood trauma and PTSD is involved. Those with childhood trauma need to learn to re-wire the brain and talking alone can not accomplish that.

I just read this interesting article I thought I'd offer up for food for thought: http://www.traumacenter.org/about/.....u09.p12-13.pdf
So if interested on learning more, google Bessel van der Kolk and PTSD or trauma and read some of his material. Most everything he tells rings true with me.

My point is, if your T is doing more than talk therapy, yes, you have the potential to not only be ok, but to actually thrive. If she isn't doing more, I would consider talking to her about doing more, especially in the Mindfulness department. If not possible, I would say for your own sake find another T. If it's hard to imagine leaving your current T, perhaps you could see a second T in addition to her.

I think stopdog is right in her answer.

But you're clearly not okay. How structured is your therapy right now? what's the immediate, specific goal? If there isn't one, think of one (not just be better overall, but be calm at work or something) and insist the focus be on that. I imagine you are goal-oriented if you're in the high tech business. If there already is one, maybe it is time to try something different than just talking - I don't know what that might be without knowing your therapist, but surely she might have ideas.

I got much worse over seven years. He kept telling me it would get worse before it got better. At some point over years it should get some better though. Do you feel any hope for the future?

I don't know. I just get sick of hearing it gets worse before it gets better. It wasn't true for me.

Some therapists are not particularly skill-building oriented, but handling some conditions, like my PTSD, required learning skills. I'd ask your T to help you with DBT skills including distress tolerance and mindfulness, they're very helpful dealing with PTSD symptoms and the hard work of therapy. And I'd review your goals or draft some so you can track progress.

I have experienced the adage that therapy makes things worse before they get better, but the worse was from facing my trauma which I'd been avoiding (avoidance is a PTSD symptom) and once I did that brutal work, and *insisted* on coping skills (my T was not oriented toward skill building, but helped when I pushed the issue) things got a lot better. It does take time, and the amount of time varies based on a lot of factors, but yes, you should find that it does get easier and that you do get what you want from your hard work!

P.S. Also, just talking about it without a purpose can be retraumatizing! I don't believe in talking for the sake of it! I believe in talking because I'm having issues in my present day life and talking to be understood, not just saying awful things because that can be really depressing. It's bad enough to do it for a good reason. Does your therapist have training in working with people with trauma/PTSD? It can make a huge difference. But there is definitely room for you to work on skills with her as long as she's willing and knowldgeable- I know we had a slump in my therapy until I took that direction and doing so really helped.

For early childhood trauma there is no quick fix. Imagine if there was. How would it work. A magic wand? A pill? Think about the developing mind of a child how it gets twisted day by day.
3yrs is very early. I've been with T 12yrs. Yes I've had times when lost hope because it can feel like nothing changes. But then I'm faced with a situation that in the past would have crushed me then out of the blue I face the situation with more inner strength.
I trunk that's what therapy does. Builds us up from the inside. Whether life is 'better' is subjective. Life is still life. But not so crushing.

I can relate to therapy making you feel worse. With my first T I seemed to go on a downward spiral, I went from being someone who was living with stability to someone who sobbed daily, and had periods of distress where it was really hard to function, I had three periods like this that lasted for a few days, prompted by the therapy, I stopped after the last one as I felt that I couldn't carry on working if I carried on with her. With me, my therapy never felt 'right'. I talked about it quite a lot on here, and tried to with my T. Among other things I think my T was a terrible listener and talked too much herself. I have a new therapist and it is early days yet to see if the same thing will happen to me with this therapist, but I don't think it will, she is so much more responsive to me. One of her gentle suggestions to me is that we explore how I came to feel the way I did with my last therapist. I'm presuming she has suggested this so that we can understand it and avoid it. I have similar feelings coming up, but she helps me to feel them with her, it's completely different to how it was with the other T. My therapy with her feels right.

I think that something to consider is whether your therapy is 'right', but is just difficult, but will be worthwhile in the end, or whether it is going wrong, and will not help you. I really struggled with answering this question when I was seeing my ex-T. I think it is a really difficult question to find the answer to.

I'm so sorry. It reminds me of a therapist I had who was in over her head. Like you, I did not want to leave her. Can you afford to see another therapist (or more than one) to consult with? Having a therapist who knows what she's doing makes a world of difference. It's unbelievable, really, especially if you've been in the wrong hands for a long time. But you don't know until you find one and can see for yourself.

Agree about the "it gets worse before it gets better" annoyance.
If it gets worse perhaps that's not healthy and normal and perhaps therapy isn't always the answer. I don't know. The phrase annoys me.

It doesn't 'get' worse. You just begin to feel feelings that were creating your discomfort.

It got worse for me. A LOT worse. And it had nothing to do with feelings. But that is my personal experience. I think many therapist are clueless about how to actually help a client heal.

Thanks for all the replies.

I think my problems are less with my T and more with myself. Meaning, she is a good, compassionate listener. We've done several different techniques, e.g., EMDR. I have a dependency on her that is becoming a cause of problems rather than a solution. The dependency is almost certainly a part of transference, but the shame and pain of this has become debilitating. I also think that the depth of my past was not clear to either of us for a very long time, and it has gradually been pulled out into the open. Of course that's the point of the therapy, but too much, too fast, you know what I mean?

Yes, I'm going to a consultation, and so is my T, independently. This brings a whole new set of fears for me, that are focused on an external factor(s) mandating the end of this relationship. To be honest, I realize that I might well be better off somewhere else, but for me, I have the depth of personal connection; the pain of loss and abandonment that would go along with this would be very much re-living my past.

Thanks again for all the replies. It helps a lot knowing that so many of you understand and can empathize.