T said I destroy him

lunatic soul · Sep 17, 2015, 01:57 PM

He told me I make him feel desperate. I said its his problem not mine but I was shocked he told me this. I also make him feel guilty and mad, happy and attached,he said he feels sympathy and he feels like I destroy him.
I like that he is open and honest about bad things too but I feel so bad for hurting him so much

I know I didnt respect his boundaries sometimes and he said he feels like he is bad T because of me. I never wanted him to feel that bad but I also feel very hurt when he has these boundaries. It seems that always one of us would feel very bad.
Boundaries make so much pain.

Cinnamon_Stick · Sep 17, 2015, 02:11 PM

A good T should not say those things to there client no matter how they feel. I am so sorry your T said those things to you. That is not a healthy relationship between therapist and client. I would be switching T's if I were you. The LAST thing a T should be doing is making you feel bad.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 17, 2015, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

A good T should not say those things to there client no matter how they feel. I am so sorry your T said those things to you. That is not a healthy relationship between therapist and client. I would be switching T's if I were you. The LAST thing a T should be doing is making you feel bad.

I agree, a T shouldn't make it about them. If they're having trouble dealing with a client, they should talk to colleagues (or a supervisor, if they have one) about it, not to the client. I've apologized to my T for things like seeming to prefer my marriage counselor to her or for making her feel bad if I wasn't making progress, and she's always said it's not about her, that I don't have to worry about her feelings. MC has said similar things, too, if I express concerns about bothering him, etc.

Also, it's up to the T to hold the boundaries, not the client. That shouldn't be on you.

AllHeart · Sep 17, 2015, 02:27 PM

That is absolutely unacceptable for a T to say such things. He needs to get a grip -- and possibly a new profession!! I am so sorry you had this experience. I wasn't there, I don't know how it all went down, but I am positive this is a case of "it's not you, it's him."

lunatic soul · Sep 17, 2015, 02:34 PM

Okay, I know that maybe he shouldn;t tell me this but even he doesn;t tell this he feels like this so its better if I know it. It would be even worse if he felt like this and didnt tell me.
I don;t know what to do to make it okay. Okay I know I should respect his boundaries and feel like world is unfair and my T doesn;t love me.

AllHeart · Sep 17, 2015, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Okay, I know that maybe he shouldn;t tell me this but even he doesn;t tell this he feels like this so its better if I know it. It would be even worse if he felt like this and didnt tell me.
I don;t know what to do to make it okay. Okay I know I should respect his boundaries and feel like world is unfair and my T doesn;t love me.

I understand the honesty part. But a good T should possess the tools needed to prevent themselves from getting to a point where they feel they are destroyed by a client. If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of others? Inexcusable!

atisketatasket · 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Okay, I know that maybe he shouldn;t tell me this but even he doesn;t tell this he feels like this so its better if I know it. It would be even worse if he felt like this and didnt tell me.
I don;t know what to do to make it okay. Okay I know I should respect his boundaries and feel like world is unfair and my T doesn;t love me.

Why is it your job to "make it okay"?

lunatic soul · Sep 17, 2015, 02:57 PM

If Im honest I want to die.
If he hugs me he feels like I destroy him, if he doesn't I feel like he destroys me.
Why cant it be part of therapy, why, why other Ts think it is part of therapy. Yeah I know this question has no answer. I won;t leave him just because he doesnt hug me anymore but it hurts like hell and it seems we cant go through this, we always stuck there.
I think his damned supervisor is guilty for telling him he is bad T if he hugs me. I really wanted to kill him, I know I was mad, I mean kill his supervisor.

doyoutrustme · Sep 17, 2015, 03:12 PM

I can see it being okay if done in a careful way, as a way to point out or suggest that it's a pattern that also occurs outside of therapy.

divine1966 · Sep 17, 2015, 04:13 PM

He said you are destroying him? Like ruining his job? I am confused

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lunatic soul · Sep 17, 2015, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

He said you are destroying him? Like ruining his job? I am confused

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Destroying emotionally, making him desperate, making him feel like a bad T, making him feel guilty. I told him he is not bad or guilty but he feels like this because of hugging me. I said his hugs always helped me so much but he said it wasn't therapy and it destroys therapy.
I think the problem is his thinking, he thinks that hugs were something bad, his supervisor told him it is, he believes in him more then in me. Maybe his damned supervisor blames him. I know he talked to him, he told me.
He always was so happy, he always smiled, I would never thought he felt that bad.

ManOfConstantSorrow · Sep 17, 2015, 04:29 PM

It is rather strange and a little unhelpful. Does he feel you are destroying him because he is desperate to help you? One would think a little professional detachment might be more useful after all he can only do his best.

bounceback · Sep 17, 2015, 05:55 PM

I hope you know how unhealthy this therapy relationship is. Boundaries have been crossed. It is hard to fix a relationship after that.

doyoutrustme · Sep 17, 2015, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Destroying emotionally, making him desperate, making him feel like a bad T, making him feel guilty. I told him he is not bad or guilty but he feels like this because of hugging me. I said his hugs always helped me so much but he said it wasn't therapy and it destroys therapy.
I think the problem is his thinking, he thinks that hugs were something bad, his supervisor told him it is, he believes in him more then in me. Maybe his damned supervisor blames him. I know he talked to him, he told me.
He always was so happy, he always smiled, I would never thought he felt that bad.

Oh, so he's young/new. If his supervisor thinks that's bad he's going to love that he dumped on his patient...

...

You can't feel like you need to take care of your T. Yes, therapists are people, complete with feelings and problems. But it doesn't belong in the room with you. That's half the fun of therapy to me, is to test his patience and resilience. I'm really awful to mine. I don't feel bad about it.

magicalprince · Sep 18, 2015, 02:21 AM

Hugs... Boundaries ARE painful

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