Why am I looking for mother figures? I have done so since I was a child

Everything you said here I could say exactly the same. I live a ways away from mine as well and my mother always says she would like it if I moved back. Every single time I hear this it really messes with me.

I want to get a better understanding of my rejection, I know some of the reasons but I feel like there's more to it and I want to know why I still feel this way as an adult. It's fair to say I'm completely emotional cut off from them.

Have you had the opportunity to talk to a T about this? If so, what did he/she say about it?

As you I feel uncomfortable when my mother talks about me moving back, I know I react upon the fact that she believes that my problems would go away only if I moved back. As she doesn´t want me to have a life on my own and as I should be happy with spending my weekends at her place and such. Sickening.

My mother often stated that she wanted me to move back to the place of origin.

For many years I did not really understand what happened in my family of origin, so I was not looking for a mother figure. I began therapy two years ago. I am still developing an understanding.

At times I yearn to have a new mother figure, but mostly I am working on accepting the finality of it: I did not have a caring mother figure then and I am not going to have one now. At these latter times I mourn the loss and try to look inside myself for ways to develop the internalized support that should already have been developed from a mother's care.

What did you answer your mother when she asked you to move back? I think if a T can be a mother figure for some time as you work these issues through perhaps you´ll find that internalized support? I know it´s important a T don´t just get you dependent but also helpes you get independent of him/her before therapy ends. Just a thought, as a T can help you internalize different things that you need and looked for if done in a proper way.

I told her that I like the place, which was true, but I was noncommittal about whether or not I would move back. It could have happened but it never did work out.

Yes a relationship with a T is a way to have that internalized parent built in, if you will. I am working on that. My T has been helpful, but not really in a relationship-with-her sense. However, part of the process I believe is the recognition and acceptance that things can indeed get better, but the loss of mother love is final and must be mourned.

One thing that I have found challenging is this: How do you mourn what you never had? How do you know what you lost, what it would have felt like, what it would have been like in daily life, so as to mourn it?

Not yet, we just started getting into family stuff but it's something I definitely plan on bringing up. I'll let you know what my T says though, I'm curious what he thinks about this.

Yeah it sounds to me that your parents or mother at least would be up in your business all the time. Part of the reason I moved hours away was to get the hell away from them. I don't know about your parents but mine don't really do much and that's their problem. You have a life of your own and they have no business trying to control it.

This is a great thread. I didn't realize until I joined this group and started therapy myself that I spent a lot of my life looking for "mother figures." It started as early as I can remember. I don't feel like I seek that in my T, but I do seek support, care, and nurturing from her, which I guess one "expects" to get from their mother.

Skyscraper, I really am enjoying your posts... because you take words right out of my thoughts. I agree that it is SO sad to hear someone say we need to mother ourselves, "find it within ourselves," etc. Like you said in a former post....we've spent our lives doing that, and now just seeing a little respite in therapy. Let someone else give us a break and take over for just a little while. It doesn't happen, but it sounds nice. All-Heart, your posts about your T warm my heart..... what you have is incredibly special, and I know you cherish it!

Skyscraper does have great wisdom!! And thanks, ML. I do cherish her. I really don’t know what I did to deserve her.

SS – This woman is actually my 68 year old T. She is about 22 years older than me. I didn't see it coming when I started therapy with her a little over a year ago. It was very unexpected. I can turn to her for anything, anytime – hugs, laughter, support, wisdom, and everything else. She does the same with me, but not to the degree I do with her by way of support and wisdom. We get angry and annoyed with each other but it doesn’t change the love we have for each other. It’s amazing.

I have severe self-loathing tendencies so I don’t always understand why. Why did she break all of her boundaries for me? Why did she choose to take crappy old me in under her wing? She tells me because our hearts have an undeniably strong connection, and her heart makes the rules. She also told me that I am so much like she was and is, so that’s a big part of it also. I try to remember this when I am in a deep, dark funk and want to push her away (like today ).

Even though she fits the bill, I really don’t view her as a mother figure. I view her as a special someone who just so happens to be an older female. It’s hard to explain, really. Maybe because I had a toxic mom I am unable to identify the mothering aspect in my relationship with T. Or maybe I am truly able to see her for the special individual she is. IDK. At any rate, I do know I am incredibly lucky to have this woman in my life.

Again, I am in my mid-40’s. I never thought it possible, and it sure took a long time til it happened. And so to get even more cheesy and sappy, I encourage anyone who is looking for that special relationship with an older female not to give up. I believe there is nothing wrong with wanting it. And there can be great healing in finding it. It was not an easy road getting to this point with my T, but this post has gone on long enough!

PS - Thank you so much for asking about this, SarahSweden, and to MusingLizzy for reminding me how I really cherish this woman. Writing this has helped me to get past the wanting to push away my T (because I am in a terribly dark place today). I am extremely fortunate to have her and I am going to call her now so she can help get me out of this bull**** darkness. THANK YOU both!

I really used to feel that way about my T. Now it's just memories. I didn't think I deserved her either. My self loathing has gotten worse since she made abrupt changes to our boundaries. I feel very disconnected....maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it can make it easier to leave.

I´m sorry that you experienced abrupt changes in boundaries with your T. I experienced that as well but in some way I still feel for my T as some kind of mother figure. She´s around 25 years older and could by age be my mom.

Now I don´t see her anymore, as she terminated therapy but this looking for mother figures has existed for so long it has to be much more to it than just one T, one teacher and so on. There´s a whole pattern of searching for mother figures and I don´t really know how to fill that need. There are very deep emotions behind this I think?

Trying to fill the need has not been successful. One option might be to conclude that you can't actually do it. You could conclude that there is no way to fill the need.

If you took this approach, you could decide instead to mourn the loss. Mourning is how we come to terms with what was lost. Mourning what is not possible helps us get access, in time, to what is possible.

(((((SarahSweden)))))

I have the exact same issue of searching since early childhood for a mother figure. I won't go into detail here because I've written several posts about it. But I totally understand the struggle you mention, and I identify completely with your feelings and the way you've described the issue.

My unmet needs from childhood are the main issue in my therapy, and my ability to accept my t's caring and help without wanting her to be like a mom to me, is the hardest thing I have to face.

We have been working to instill nurturing motherly qualities inside me, but it is not going very well. I just don't "feel" motherly toward myself. It feels like I'm just faking it, more like a babysitter or something, I dunno. I agree that it feels heartbreaking to accept that maybe we can never get from anybody what we didn't get from our parents growing up. It is also hard to understand how to mother ourselves when we didn't get it to start with. We are trying to produce a safe, loving, stable feeling of protection and value inside ourselves that we have never felt. Like the blind leading the blind. Our t's can assist us, but most of them don't want to take on a mothering role.