[SarahSweden]

I still miss my T and it will soon be one year since I was terminated. I find myself imagine situations where I talk to her and wanting to tell her about things that happen in my life.

I visualize her office and sometimes her and how we sat talking to each other. It´s so deeply sad. I don´t cry as often or much but I think of her every day. When I do very ordinary stuff like washing, doing the dishes and so on I sometimes try to imagine how my T does such things.

I checked her up today and saw she still lives at the same address and that she still lives by her own. That makes me think like "what if she feels a bit lonely, perhaps she would want to live with someone" even if I of course don´t know such details about her.

I know it´s partly harmful that it has become this way, I sometimes think like my life won´t be the same without her but at the same time I know it´s just not logical to think that. I try to think she was only my T and even if I´d continued in therapy I had seen her just once a week.

But it´s hard and I still struggle, I often wonder if she thinks about me and how she would react if I´d contacted her. At the same time I think it´s not healthy to be that attached to a T as I was/am but I think I´ll wonder for a very long time about this.

It´s like mourning a relative or a person who I felt close to in real life.

[musinglizzy]

why were you terminated?

Im so sorry I know its so hard. When my t dumped me out of nowhere, it was such a shock,and i mourned her deeply for several years. I thought about her all the tme. I thought it was going to drive me crazy.
Hang in there. It will get better. It took me about seven years to truly get over it, but that was because of several deep-seated reasons. I bet it wont take you that long.
So sorry.

[SarahSweden]

It´s a long story why she terminated me but it had to do with a couple of opinions I had on things that happened in therapy. Things that made me disappointed and hurt. When I told her how I felt, I e-mailed her about it, she became dismissive and suddenly she said she was hesitant about continuing therapy.

I was very shocked and sad about hearing that, I thought she would use my opinions and try to solve them as it wasn´t about her as a person. I felt both ashamed and very sad and I couldn´t handle meeting her. She was very vague and one moment she said we would talk on the phone and we scheduled a time for that. Then after that she offered a meeting instead by text but then it had gone so far and I was so upset and in dispair I couldn´t meet with her.

We just ended practical things on the phone and from that day on I´ve missed and mourned her.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

why were you terminated?

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

It´s a long story why she terminated me but it had to do with a couple of opinions I had on things that happened in therapy. Things that made me disappointed and hurt. When I told her how I felt, I e-mailed her about it, she became dismissive and suddenly she said she was hesitant about continuing therapy.

I was very shocked and sad about hearing that, I thought she would use my opinions and try to solve them as it wasn´t about her as a person. I felt both ashamed and very sad and I couldn´t handle meeting her. She was very vague and one moment she said we would talk on the phone and we scheduled a time for that. Then after that she offered a meeting instead by text but then it had gone so far and I was so upset and in dispair I couldn´t meet with her.

We just ended practical things on the phone and from that day on I´ve missed and mourned her.

I'm kind of in that same boat. Now all of a sudden my T is trying to get me to talk about my hurt related to her, but I'm afraid to, because I'm afraid she'll send me packing. She knows I feel that way. And even though she says she won't, she changed boundaries after I told her something in February that pertained to her, even though the assured me before I told her that "nothing will change HERE." I just can't believe her.....so I'm afraid to talk about it. And talking about it wont' change anything. Although, for the first time in 7 months, she told me how sorry she was during my session yesterday, and said she learned a "hard lesson" and will not be doing it again. I should be able to move on now, because that's all I really wanted. For her to admit that she hurt me, and to try to save other people from having the same thing happen to them. I'm afraid the hurt will never go away completely.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I'm kind of in that same boat. Now all of a sudden my T is trying to get me to talk about my hurt related to her, but I'm afraid to, because I'm afraid she'll send me packing. She knows I feel that way. And even though she says she won't, she changed boundaries after I told her something in February that pertained to her, even though the assured me before I told her that "nothing will change HERE." I just can't believe her.....so I'm afraid to talk about it. And talking about it wont' change anything. Although, for the first time in 7 months, she told me how sorry she was during my session yesterday, and said she learned a "hard lesson" and will not be doing it again. I should be able to move on now, because that's all I really wanted. For her to admit that she hurt me, and to try to save other people from having the same thing happen to them. I'm afraid the hurt will never go away completely.

I have been following your story for a long time Lizzy and I just wanted to say how happy I am that your T said she was sorry and is owning up to her mistakes. I hope someday you can heal from this.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am sorry you were terminated. I do hope you have some good memories of your ex-T that you can think of. That is what I do when I am missing someone. Also being happy that you had that time with them even if it came to an end you did not want can help. There is someone that abandoned me ( not my T so I know its not the same) and I am working in therapy to help lesson the hurt and how much I miss her.

I hope you can find some healing.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I have been following your story for a long time Lizzy and I just wanted to say how happy I am that your T said she was sorry and is owning up to her mistakes. I hope someday you can heal from this.

Me too. Yesterday's session was very, very tough....as we started talking, again, about this issue. I think she finally realizes how much pain I'm really in...because of her actions.

[Leah123]

So, did she decide and say she would not see you anymore?

[iheartjacques]

That's what scares me when I eventually stop seeing current T. It's going to be like someone died

[SarahSweden]

She never said those words "I will not see you anymore" but she said she wasn´t the right T for me and that she recommended me to choose another kind of therapy.

I never understood why she said this as she just before this happened had helped me to seek funds to be able to finance therapy and she wrote me a recommendation letter saying we were in real therapy and that I´d bonded with her.

She never talked about me choosing another kind of therapy before I told her about those things I didn´t like.

Originally Posted by Leah123

So, did she decide and say she would not see you anymore?

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I'm kind of in that same boat. Now all of a sudden my T is trying to get me to talk about my hurt related to her, but I'm afraid to, because I'm afraid she'll send me packing. She knows I feel that way. And even though she says she won't, she changed boundaries after I told her something in February that pertained to her, even though the assured me before I told her that "nothing will change HERE." I just can't believe her.....so I'm afraid to talk about it. And talking about it wont' change anything. Although, for the first time in 7 months, she told me how sorry she was during my session yesterday, and said she learned a "hard lesson" and will not be doing it again. I should be able to move on now, because that's all I really wanted. For her to admit that she hurt me, and to try to save other people from having the same thing happen to them. I'm afraid the hurt will never go away completely.

-----

Lizzy-

I'm glad you are able to even look at "moving on" with this T.
It seems to me, though, that you are the one who "learned a hard lesson." If she learned any lesson at all....it was at your expense...which still makes me mad, tbh.

I hope it helps you to know....your situation helped me in my therapy. I brought your situation up in my therapy and expressed my fears about the same thing happening to me....that T's shouldn't introduce comfort then withdraw it without explanation ....no discussion...that if that's the plan, let me know right now....anyway, it cleared the air early in our relationship. You helped me.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I still miss my T and it will soon be one year since I was terminated. I find myself imagine situations where I talk to her and wanting to tell her about things that happen in my life.

I visualize her office and sometimes her and how we sat talking to each other. It´s so deeply sad. I don´t cry as often or much but I think of her every day. When I do very ordinary stuff like washing, doing the dishes and so on I sometimes try to imagine how my T does such things.

I checked her up today and saw she still lives at the same address and that she still lives by her own. That makes me think like "what if she feels a bit lonely, perhaps she would want to live with someone" even if I of course don´t know such details about her.

I know it´s partly harmful that it has become this way, I sometimes think like my life won´t be the same without her but at the same time I know it´s just not logical to think that. I try to think she was only my T and even if I´d continued in therapy I had seen her just once a week.

But it´s hard and I still struggle, I often wonder if she thinks about me and how she would react if I´d contacted her. At the same time I think it´s not healthy to be that attached to a T as I was/am but I think I´ll wonder for a very long time about this.

It´s like mourning a relative or a person who I felt close to in real life.

I am so sorry. It can be very much like mourning...grieving...even when you have to leave a T under good circumstances. ❤️

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by precaryous

-----

Lizzy-

I'm glad you are able to even look at "moving on" with this T.
It seems to me, though, that you are the one who "learned a hard lesson." If she learned any lesson at all....it was at your expense...which still makes me mad, tbh.

I hope it helps you to know....your situation helped me in my therapy. I brought your situation up in my therapy and expressed my fears about the same thing happening to me....that T's shouldn't introduce comfort then withdraw it without explanation ....no discussion...that if that's the plan, let me know right now....anyway, it cleared the air early in our relationship. You helped me.

I have always been so afraid of this. With my ex-T I kept saying this and asking her if she knew how badly she could hurt me. Everytime she pushed me past my comfort zone I got scared. Made her promise if she left to do it gently. She lied. That's the hard part I think.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

She never said those words "I will not see you anymore" but she said she wasn´t the right T for me and that she recommended me to choose another kind of therapy.

I never understood why she said this as she just before this happened had helped me to seek funds to be able to finance therapy and she wrote me a recommendation letter saying we were in real therapy and that I´d bonded with her.

She never talked about me choosing another kind of therapy before I told her about those things I didn´t like.

This is so painful and therapists should be able to take criticism or questions without freaking out. Speaking from experience, the pain *will* lessen eventually. I had one I cried over every single day for a year when I was in my early 20's. Thought I would die, but it eventually lessened to a pang now and then. Hugs, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to let go.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by precaryous

-----

Lizzy-

I'm glad you are able to even look at "moving on" with this T.
It seems to me, though, that you are the one who "learned a hard lesson." If she learned any lesson at all....it was at your expense...which still makes me mad, tbh.

I hope it helps you to know....your situation helped me in my therapy. I brought your situation up in my therapy and expressed my fears about the same thing happening to me....that T's shouldn't introduce comfort then withdraw it without explanation ....no discussion...that if that's the plan, let me know right now....anyway, it cleared the air early in our relationship. You helped me.

I don't want to hijack this thread, but thank you so much for this! I was angry during my last session and she said no one has ever taken it as hard as I have and she was sorry. I asked her if she talked to them about it. She said something like "we don't have to talk about everything." What? I thought that's what therapy was all about. She's trying to get me to talk, but says we don't need to if it's convenient for her. That's how I took it.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for sharing. How did you get out of your grief for your former T? Did you talk about it with another T?

I think it´s like being stuck as my depression has worsened after my T left me and I began to get suicidal thoughts after that, because of the termination.

It´s impossble to get rid of the thoughts and the very huge amount of regret that we couldn´t solve things and continue therapy.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

This is so painful and therapists should be able to take criticism or questions without freaking out. Speaking from experience, the pain *will* lessen eventually. I had one I cried over every single day for a year when I was in my early 20's. Thought I would die, but it eventually lessened to a pang now and then. Hugs, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to let go.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks for sharing. How did you get out of your grief for your former T? Did you talk about it with another T?

I think it´s like being stuck as my depression has worsened after my T left me and I began to get suicidal thoughts after that, because of the termination.

It´s impossble to get rid of the thoughts and the very huge amount of regret that we couldn´t solve things and continue therapy.

I actually didn't havd another therapist for probably 5 years after that. The funny thing is that she terminated me because I was "better" (public/free mental health clinic, I was there for 3 years). But I really wasn't better. I couldn't handle losing the support. I was young and scared.

Possible trigger:

I cut my face trying to show how not okay I still was

One thing that helped a bit was having my minister there to listen. She was support that was NOT a therapist, which helped a lot. She listened, was there when I cried, hugged me and told me I'm still loveable.

The next therapist I had I saw for over 5 years and stopped seeing her in the spring of this year. She broke my heart and shattered me. I have a bunch of posts about it because it put me into a bad crisis. I took an overdose and ended up in the hospital and have barely been coping.This time, talking with my new one has been helpful. She has been helping me stay safe.

[SarahSweden]

I think a large problem in this is that it isn´t something T:s generally speak about in their presentations on their web sites and so on. In my country I´ve never read about a T who specilizes in helping clients through a rough time because of termination.

I have no idea if my potential T I´ll see in some months will be able or even agree to talk about a former T and a former therapy. Probably she won´t as she work within public mental health care. I don´t know how to cope with the grief as it isn´t like grieving a relative or friend.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I actually didn't havd another therapist for probably 5 years after that. The funny thing is that she terminated me because I was "better" (public/free mental health clinic, I was there for 3 years). But I really wasn't better. I couldn't handle losing the support. I was young and scared.

Possible trigger:

I cut my face trying to show how not okay I still was

One thing that helped a bit was having my minister there to listen. She was support that was NOT a therapist, which helped a lot. She listened, was there when I cried, hugged me and told me I'm still loveable.

The next therapist I had I saw for over 5 years and stopped seeing her in the spring of this year. She broke my heart and shattered me. I have a bunch of posts about it because it put me into a bad crisis. I took an overdose and ended up in the hospital and have barely been coping.This time, talking with my new one has been helpful. She has been helping me stay safe.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I still miss my T and it will soon be one year since I was terminated. I find myself imagine situations where I talk to her and wanting to tell her about things that happen in my life.

I am also approaching one year since forced termination. I feel for you, it can be a horrible thing to go thru.

Did your ex T seek supervision or consult with a colleague prior to terminating you? As in so many of these cases, it seems the lack of oversight and 3rd party involvement is a big part of the problem.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I think a large problem in this is that it isn´t something T:s generally speak about in their presentations on their web sites and so on. In my country I´ve never read about a T who specilizes in helping clients through a rough time because of termination. .

I've spoken on the phone to two therapists who do specialize in therapy ruptures or impasses. The first made things worse, the second was supportive but not particularly helpful. With the several other Ts that I talked to in person, it was much the same.

The traumatic therapy experience was, to many of them, just a reflection of old wounds; it didn't actually happen the way I thought it did, or it didnt much matter. All of this was sort of abuse-like, almost a classic blame the victim scenario.

From my experiences, I'd caution any client with a story of harm in therapy to tread carefully with future Ts. Some may come after you (like one guy did), others might invalidate more subtly.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T abandoned me 7 months ago. It feels like it has only been a month. The pain is still there. And I still miss her. For the most part, I have stopped crying. I'm starting to put the blame back on her. Idk. I just understand the pain and the longing.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by BudFox

I've spoken on the phone to two therapists who do specialize in therapy ruptures or impasses. The first made things worse, the second was supportive but not particularly helpful. With the several other Ts that I talked to in person, it was much the same.

The traumatic therapy experience was, to many of them, just a reflection of old wounds; it didn't actually happen the way I thought it did, or it didnt much matter. All of this was sort of abuse-like, almost a classic blame the victim scenario.

From my experiences, I'd caution any client with a story of harm in therapy to tread carefully with future Ts. Some may come after you (like one guy did), others might invalidate more subtly.

It depends. I was so afraid of this but I feel really really really lucky that my new one said what my ex-T did was really bad and dangerous and damaging. It helped validate my pain. Which I need because I'm ridiculously insecure.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I think a large problem in this is that it isn´t something T:s generally speak about in their presentations on their web sites and so on. In my country I´ve never read about a T who specilizes in helping clients through a rough time because of termination.

I have no idea if my potential T I´ll see in some months will be able or even agree to talk about a former T and a former therapy. Probably she won´t as she work within public mental health care. I don´t know how to cope with the grief as it isn´t like grieving a relative or friend.

I'm in public mental health too (I'm in Canada).honestly, I like it better. They are more used to dealing with people with real mental illnesses. This is the first time I haven't worried about overwhelming my therapist. It also feels safer to me, knowing that they have more specialized training (I see her at the psych hospital) and knowing she talks/works with my pdoc.

[SarahSweden]

I thought it would be easier to find a more stable T within psychiatry but where I live, in Sweden, therapy within psychiatry is kind of an exception even if it sounds strange.

The mental health care here is lousy in many ways because they give you just limited sessions according to a health program for depression or what your issue is. That is, you can´t see a T for several problems like relations, dealing with hardship around unemployment, attachment issues as all they want is that you leave as fast as possible as there are not enough resources to really work on difficult issues.

They work on separate issues like depression and when they think you´re a bit better than when you went to see them, they just kick you out.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I'm in public mental health too (I'm in Canada).honestly, I like it better. They are more used to dealing with people with real mental illnesses. This is the first time I haven't worried about overwhelming my therapist. It also feels safer to me, knowing that they have more specialized training (I see her at the psych hospital) and knowing she talks/works with my pdoc.