[Virginia1991]

I have been in therapy over two years. This is my first experience with therapy. I have improved in several ways. Self care has improved. I have reached out to new people and opened up, set boundaries with my family, disclosed trauma for the first time. However, the transference (maternal) has been intense and painful. Really painful. So much so that I am deciding whether or not I can continue. I am a very sensitive person and I get upset if my t does not answer my emails or if her answer seems cold and clinical. I long for her to sit by me or give me nurturing touch. This is embarrassing and painful for me in itself. The therapuetic relationship feels like a trigger for me. She is patient, kind, caring, and nurturing. Yet I feel abandoned in between sessions. She uses CBT to treat me for anxiety, depression and ptsd from childhood trauma and abandonment.

She says "let's challenge those thoughts" and "what is your evidence for that" for my irrational thoughts. The thing is I have insight. I know my thoughts can be irrational. I know what it means to challenge them. I have had to do this my entire life. It is how I survive in the here and now. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But, when the answer is always to "challenge those thoughts" I feel invalidated. I feel like my emotions and experiences are being dismissed by telling me to replace them with positive thoughts. Since starting therapy my yearning for a "mom" and nurturing touch from a maternal figure has increased 10x (I have touch issues, my mom didn't ever really touch us and we could not touch her). I have improved in several areas but therapy is stagnant in other areas. The transference has not improved at all in two years. I do bring it up (which is very difficult). She nods, accepts it and will normalize it. But, I feel like it is never REALLY addressed or talked about in depth. She never even uses the word and I have done enough research to know what is happening. So the relationship itself has been painful. I yearn for an affectionate hug but do not get it and it is triggering for me. The boundaries (although necessary) make therapy feel cold (just like my childhood). I guess my question to you all would be: Is CBT the right kind of therapy for me? If so, how can I get this intense transference to settle down? Yes, I say these things to her. Her answer will be something like "you are settling down. It just takes time". But, I am not settling down so I leave therapy frustrated because I think "I must not be communicating my suffering in a clear way". (Which could be.....because I am extremely guarded and can't convey emotions very well). Any thoughts on CBT and intense, painful transference would be greatly appreciated.

[Walking Man]

My therapist is CBT oriented, and I have some of the same experiences. I don't have transference per se, but there are some things about my T (or her approach) that remind me of my mom. Mostly it's the emphasis on solutions, rather than understanding and support.

The whole "challenging" the thoughts bit can be very invalidating. Sometimes you just want to be heard and understood. I realized that sometimes my T thinks I'm talking about thoughts, when I'm actually talking about feelings. I'm not very good at talking about how I feel. When I fail to get something across one week, it helps for me to write it out and read it to her the next week.

I also have the touch issue, but I don't know what to do about that. However I decided that I shouldn't look to her for touch. We've talked about my need for it somewhat, but not touch from her. I think it's better that way for me.

[dapplebay]

This sounds exactly like the relationship I had with my T a year a year ago. It has only escalated since. I'm not sure how old you are (not that it matters) but I'm 18 and my transference is kind of fresh for maternal and I think my T also struggles with counter transference as her kids are my age. It got to the point where I ended up in the hospital because I couldn't leave her room, I was so terrified she was going to leave me like my mom.
I was in the same situation as you, thinking is it healthy for me to stay in therapy or not? And indeed it is! Your therapist even though isn't talking much about it is trying to figure out a strategy. For my relationship with my therapist, it took us over a year to figure out a way to work with it. Basically, she has accepted the fact I want her as a mom and I'm allowed to treat her as a mom, I'm allowed to hug her, I have a blanket that she gave me (I know that's a lot) but...she keeps her therapeutic boundaries that even though I push and get angry like a kid would I will and have learned that I have to become the mother in myself because she won't always be there for me.

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[flockpride]

I have wondered for sometime about CBT having some weakness and it seems to be in validating feelings that people have, simple as that. We have to feel them. To move immediately to a cognitive frame seems potentially harmful. Some of the best work with my T has been when the feelings between us, bring up my stuff. The feelings help me find the depth of the issue. The feelings help me own it.

CBT as a primary tool would not work for me because I am good at pushing away feelings with intellectualizing. That said, my T has sometimes regulated my feelings for me by holding a frame that keeps me from getting triggered and decompensating. This can be helpful. But when the time is right, we get to them. It is especially hard when one has trouble articulating feelings and can appear competent, etc. Have you been able to say something like, "when I hear 'challenge those thoughts' or 'it just takes time' I feel invalidated. I need you to listen and hear what I am saying. I need to know you understand what I'm going through emotionally." If you come out and plainly say what is happening for you, the therapist may surprise you.

That you are painfully aware of the feelings you understand as transference seems a huge opportunity for healing. Is CBT the only tool this person has?

As for touch, that's a hard one and one area of the "therapeutic frame" that gives me headaches. I personally think that some touch should be okay. We are embodied creatures after all.

[Lauliza]

Has she helped you at all in the two years you've seen her? Thats a long time to see a T and experience this level of frustration. Have you talked to your T about your goals for therapy and what it is you want from your sessions? If you're not feeling it with the CBT approach your therapy will probably end up being a waste of time. Either she needs to adapt to what you need or you may need a different T.

[Freewilled]

I saw my T for just over two years but he was not CBT.... I had awful transference that did not get resolved. I would say it's much better now that we've terminated and the reason for termination was he moved out of state. It was so bad I couldn't even go see him anymore (too painful) after he told me he was leaving and he even gave me six months notice!

I think back and wonder what it would've been like had he stayed cause I know I would've never quit on my own. I got worse in therapy - going from never having been hospitalized or on psych meds to being hospitalized twice and taking meds to cope....

I don't think therapy was working for me but it is what it is. I do believe my T cared about me and we both did the best we could though.

If you can, I'd recommend trying to see if another T might be a better fit. I sort of wish I'd done that before things got as bad as they did. But that's just me. I hope things turn around for you

[Daisymay]

Hi Virginnia, I get what you're saying as I experienced this too. You're right, you DO need to feel heard and validated. That's so important. CBT can be invalidating in some ways - it's a kind of awful side effect that CBT therapists often seem quite unaware of! My T (with whom I had very strong long-term painful maternal transference issues) told me that she was not, as a cbt therapist, trained to deal with transference. That's probably the problem for you too. There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with it.

It sounds like as far as getting your needs met (so you can grow and move on with your life which is the aim of therapy) you need a T who uses a different approach - so you might need to find someone else. I know the problem will be how to leave your current T when you are so "attached". If you can leave though a new T trained and experienced in dealing with transference would help you with those painful feelings and help you move on. Once transference feelings have got a hold on you there isn't really an easy solution - but it will ease in time. Our instincts are often good at telling us what we should so - I tried to go by that for myself.
Take care.

[Virginia1991]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

Has she helped you at all in the two years you've seen her? Thats a long time to see a T and experience this level of frustration. Have you talked to your T about your goals for therapy and what it is you want from your sessions? If you're not feeling it with the CBT approach your therapy will probably end up being a waste of time. Either she needs to adapt to what you need or you may need a different T.

Yes, I have improved in many areas. I have set boundaries with my family I grew up with. I confronted my mom on abuse for the first time ever. I am able to set boundaries better with my wife (I am female as well). I have better self care. I eat healthier and have started exercising again (big deals). So yes, good changes. And there is more. I wish I could focus on them, but I am unable. The transference is so intense that is over shadows the other improvements. The fact that it hasn't gotten better for a long time is disturbing. I am so attached to her that leaving would be hard and I wonder if all my other improvements will go down the drain if I do.

[Virginia1991]

Like I said the improvements have been many. They are just overshadowed by the painful transference. The fact that it hasn't improved in a year makes me wonder if it is being addressed. For those of you who have worked through it or in it.......what does this look like? How do I know she is addressing this intense transference that can be maternal, can be negative, and can be erotic?