Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

A million thank yous would never be enough.

Dear MC,

Did you feel that, too, when I was showing you the picture on my phone? The connection, or whatever you'd call it?

Dear university therapist,

Please don't withdraw from me now. I will fall apart if you do.

I'm sorry.

T

I'm sick of this. The always talking about the weather or the latest football game. I'm here because I need help. The least you could do is try.

T,

You don't seem to understand that it's not just about being late. It's about you being late. And what that does to me. What that triggers in me. It's about me caring too much about what you think of me. It's about me craving your approval, your validation, your acceptance.
I thought I was clear in my email. I guess I need to spell in out for you. You're usually quick to understand things. Another email or talk. Another chance for rejection.

Finally tomorrow is approaching. It seems like forever since the last session. I have a lot of feelings about what we talked about, and feelings about you, but I'm not really sure what those feelings are. I hope you can help me understand what's going on, I want to know what this all means.

By the way, today marks exactly one year since I first emailed you and asked to meet. Exactly one year since the session with T1 that left me rejected and hurt, and started a chain reaction leading to termination. One year ago. Seems like a million years ago yet yesterday at the same time.

Ah T, I feel so sorry about seeing you through your maternity leave. On the other hand - and this I'll never tell you - I'm so ****ing relieved it was a 6 weeks break instead of a 22 weeks' one. Sorry T, but I am really glad I didn't have to bear 5+ months without you. It was comforting and I feel less alone and lost..

Darling T,

I don't know how to accept this feeling of need for you.
I feel like I need you.
All the time.
Especially when I hurt.

EM

T

i dont wanna talk about it! but i do! but im scared! you asked why... WHAT DO U MEAN WHY!!!??? i wanted to say that but i didnt.. i said bc ive never talked to another human being about it.

dont push me too hard
push me just enough
i wanna go at my own pace..

me

-



I'm afraid this is going to get worse, much worse. Oh well, it seems you don't care much anyway.

Dear T,
I miss you so much whenever I'm not with you. I'm so grateful that you've been spending so much of your time with me lately, with sessions, phone calls, and texts. I'm terrified that you'll get tired of me though, and I'm scared you'll leave me. A part of me wants to get better so that I don't disappoint you, but another part of me wants to get worse so you know I need you. I'm sorry I'm so needy and annoying. I was thrilled the other day when you gave me a high five, and I would love it if we could start hugging. I love you.

T,

I wish I could see you earlier. My sister keeps talking AT me about the past, not caring about how I might feel about all the forgotten memories she is corroborating.

Dear uni therapist,

I am so ridiculously, awfully, pathetically scared of losing you, and I feel like I'm about to. I've let you down, and I'm so sorry.

I JUST WANT YOU TO LIKE ME.

But like me a lot.

Like be your favorite

T,

I've been thinking. I need you weekly but my husband schedule every 2 weeks. Now you have no availability!! Now he's worried about me. This is stupid! Please please call.

Wow, what a fantastic phone call tonight. Thank you so much for calling me. I can't tell you enough how amazing you are. Thank you for being there and supporting me.

T,

I've send you an email back. I'm scared what you will think when you read it. I'll know when I see you this afternoon. Unless you don't see it before my session.

-

You actually believe that "coaching" people to patronize, compliment and lie to me is "therapy" ? You think I'm not aware of your deceitful, despicable, game? I find it pathetic, elementary and cruel. Maybe this works on other people in your personal life but not on me.

Seriously, I know a liar when I see one and I'm sick of it!!! You are miserable.

Darling T,

I want to be a T some day.
I know I'm not healthy enough right now.
I know it will be awhile before I have a handle on my own stuff.
I was so scared to tell you that this is what I wanted to do, to be.
I know you never say something false or that you don't mean.

When you said that I have a lot I need to work through first, that you have some concerns right now in that I have triggers and things I need to learn to control and figure out, but if I can do that, you said you think I'd be a great addition to the field because of my experience and the type of person I am, that I could do this and I would be "a damn good one".

It made my insides feel happy.
They haven't felt that way in a long time.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to really do it but I hope in time I can, even though I want to - it scares me.

EM

I'm training to be a T, and my T said that my past will be simultaneously one of my greatest strengths and most significant vulnerabilities as a therapist.
I think that's a great way to think about it. As long as you are in a healthy place and exercising self-care, someone with life experience and experience as a client will have a valuable asset as a therapist.

Edit - I spoke too soon about you not emailing me back. Thank you.

T,

Today was good. It made be feel better about you and me. But I still want to hear you say to me ''I like you and you're my favorite client''.

You are the one who's always been on my side instead of against me and if I was wrong you would just help me see it. You stayed when everyone left, even the pdoc you referred me to. Never mind she went, you stayed. I worry for you and am growing fond of you. It's time to say it, I'll always wish more. The ones who accept me and provide me some kind of affection and nurturing are always the ones that can't be in my life. Teacher, coach, therapist. Always the ones whose leave will be the most painful. Always the ones than will never be fond of me in return. I don't mean the world for anyone actually. Especially for those who mean the world to me and it's so painful and insane. It's just so cruel that it has to be like this by some rule. We are human beings. I think there are no limits to relationships and their evolution and affection, if we were not to limit it within boundaries. They are ok, but, forever? Anyway and anyhow and so absolute? I don't know, I'm just so sad cause I'm one of those who really haven't known much more than their T's compassion and are extremsly attached and I will be totally naked once this is gone. I don't get why it just has to go, for everyone, anyway. I know I'm the only one who thinks this and I feel so alone.