Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

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I still can't believe how you could just throw me to the wolves. I will never get over it.

A cancellation didn't happen yesterday and somehow I'm still here. See you soon. I just keep getting worse and I don't know what to do about it.

what a ****ing idiot I've been to hand you the thank you letter I wrote you today in an emotional moment. WHAT THE HECK crossed my mind. Holy .... .

You'll think I'm a total idiot now.
Ohh, no...

What an amazing connecting session. I am so glad you liked the journal gift I gave you. Your face when you were reading it almost made me cry. You looked like you were going to cry as well. Thank you for the extra hug. I can tell you genuinely loved my gift and I hope it helps you when you have a bad day. You really are the best! I love you!

Dear T,
You really are too kind. I was floored today when you said "Give me a hug. Merry Christmas." You truly are genuine, aren't you? Of course, all I could do was say "Thanks," sorry

Dear T and Pdoc,

I have to think about you. It makes me sad. T, you're so pretty and smart. You're such a nice person. And you have a boyfriend and such a cute daughter. I feel so much envy. And Pdoc, you're constantly on my mind. I like you so much. I wonder if you're with someone tonight. It hurts.

I hate life. I so don't like myself. I'm so ugly. Why can't I be someone else? I don't want to be me.

t,
you asked me trauma questions and i said i dont wanna talk about it!!!! sorry T...idk...not a lot of sleep +moving stress....i didnt wanna get into it. also- IDK IF ILL EVER BE READY...you said that is ok. T..........i just wanna pretend like it never happened. i thought you were mad...cuase i said i dont wanna talk about it. you said no..you said u were glad i was setting a boundary if it made me uncomfortable.... i dont know T I DONT kNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! im sorry... -_-

me

Thank you for still being there after how much I have needed you these past couple of days. I need to leave you alone but I also need to live.

You know T, our session was great today, and all I keep thinking about is how maybe I annoy the c*ap out of you by fiddling with the pillow, or my scarf...you said its a "S" thing (myers-briggs) that my brain processes things very sensory-oriented, which is SO TRUE for me...but when you mentioned that is why I pick at the pillow or whatever else is around me, I thought "Oh, shite, that probably drives you crazy!"

Why can't i think of all the good that come from the session? UGH. Maybe i'll be brave enough to mention it to you next session, except its in 2 weeks, so probably will be on the back burner by then.

I have this urge to hold one of your pillows from your couch and hold it and snuggle with it.

Aww Cinnamon, that reminded me how my T offered me a blanket today because it was the first truly cold-ish day we've had this year (and i walk there), and I was all like "Nah, I'm fine," and by the end of the session was completely curled up in it

That sounds so nice! I feel weird for wanting to cuddle with her pillow. I think its because I feel so safe with her and in her therapy room!

I just shake my head sometimes, just like you use to do when I was in therapy.

Dear T,
I want to give you a hug right now...

Dear MC,

I want to give you much more than a hug right now...

--LT

T,

I knew it. You finally got tired of my letters. I'm a fool... I feel rejected. I was stupid to believe you really didn't mind when you said you'd read them. I know I write too much, I'm sorry.

This is all my fault for believing that you didn't mind.

And while you stepped in when I asked if I could hug you, you also forcibly stepped out when I wanted to hug you fit longer. I'm disgusting, I know. I shouldn't have wanted a longer hug.

T, I need to change! I see it I'm ready. I am a sex addict who is finally seeking recovery before this problem gets worse!

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

"Despite the stuff", I had a great time. I'm glad I went. Now packing and off to the airport again, HOME. I'm a survivor, and I might as well enjoy it while I can. Glad you could chuckle at the Hypothetical christmas card from my FOO. I'm glad we have a shared since of humor.

Dear T,

I've made a major decision. I think I should share it with you but I won't see you for another 3 weeks. Guess this means I should email you about it. Damn.

NP

You have made your choices concerning me. It just goes to show everyone how immoral of character you are. Choosing her is despicable, telling her my business is despicable, letting this continue for years is horrendous. If you continue to speak ill of me, you can expect the same in return.

trigger warning

I am at a all time low again...i feel sick...things will never change..i will never change..i dont know what to do...?
His words , his accusations make me hit the ground...i wish i had the luxury to stay on that ground...for as long as i wanted...but i dont...i can not stay down...it is only my razor that helps...it helps me get up instantly...i want to find another way...i want to get rid of this nauseau...this sadness...this helplessness...i want to stand tall ...i want to be where no one gets to talk down to me...such a distant reality. to live with some self respect.

Dear T,
I'm frustrated with you today. I appreciate your response to my email, and your support in my decision. However, I don't think you grasp what is going on here.
I have made a HUMUNGOUS decision. A LIFE CHANGING decision. One we have talked about before a few times. One that my H and I have talked about for almost a year.
I am a giant steaming pile of twisted emotions that are bubbling up like an angry volcano and you said what?!?! You don't get it!
I wish you could say something in that email that tells me you get it.
Ex-T would get it. She knows soooo much more than you do about my job and the people and all the BS I've had to endure. I miss her right now. I need her right now. I need you to know everything she knew.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Dear T,
It means so much to me that you stayed later than you'd planned today and put off your Christmas vacation to fit me in today. And that you gave me another hug. I know you could tell how much I needed that. I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing holiday. See you in the New Year...

That's probably allowed.

Dear MC,
I could see the caring in your eyes and hear it in your voice today. Thank you for not acting disappointed or frustrated with me. It felt like you were really trying to understand--and maybe you did. Wish I could have gotten a hug from you, too, but I'm content with the handshake and hearing that it was good to see me. (Even though you probably tell everyone that!)