Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear T,

Thank you so much for helping me these last few days during the funeral of my sil, my brother's visits and all my anxiety and sadness. Thank you for being available for our sessions....and all the other odd times I've needed to talk to you. Thank you for telling me it's ok to call you whenever I need to.

Thank you for understanding my anxiety, tears and insomnia. Thank you for saying you may not have "heard" how bad I was feeling before...but you hear me now.

Twenty minutes. You left for twenty minutes to deal with that other client in crisis. I agreed to it; I just didn't realize it wasn't okay with me until five minutes in. Our session had already started--we were fifteen minutes in.

Twenty minutes you left, after that. Then we finished our last fifteen.

Then you come back and tell me I feel like a burden because of

Maybe. Maybe you just suck.

I wonder how that crisis person is doing. Was twenty minutes enough to stabilize them?

I love that you are willing to add in appointments on different days because of the holidays. Too bad I work and can't take you up on that offer. I am going to try to journal daily this week and see what happens. I am only doing it for you, T!

Dear T,

When I said I didn't want your reassurance that you didn't hate me, didn't think I am stupid, didn't hate our sessions, I meant it. I think you know I meant it, you said you did, on several occasions. Why did you ruin it this week? And not in a small way. You knew it would send my head in a spin, and you said it anyway. You know how hard I am trying to process our upcoming ending. You know I have to limit the damage in the only ways I can. And in one minute you have destroyed weeks of preparation.

The only time it is acceptable to tell me you really like me is if you are sticking around. You're not. I know you're not. So stop leaving clues that make me think there is a possibility. It messes with my head and I cannot be dealing with that. Don't let this stupid spark of hope be allowed to burn.

I love you and I hate you and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. You have turned my world on it's head and are not going to be here to help right it. Please, no more. I cannot take it.

Dear Ex,

Thank you for all of what you've given me. The hike and lunch were lovely. And, now that I'll be back in town at least after the holidays for several months, I hope we can find time for one or two more long leisurely outings. I am enjoying my time overseas, but I love being home in America (U.S.), no matter what coast. I have been seeing and doing things with lots of old and new friends (I can genuinely feel what the word friend means). Thanks to you, I'm not the old broken down lady that stays on the couch and turns her back to the world. But, I must admit I do and will spend days doing that because I can; not because I have to. You helped to get me to the place where being on the couch is just one more choice that I have in my life. Thanks again.

Love ya,

PS: my body now faces outward, and that's comfortable to me.

-

One thing I learned in all of this is that the people I thought deserved respect - don't!!

Dear ex-T,

Sometimes I daydream that you are lying in bed with me and we hug and kiss and talk.

I'm slipping and need your help but can't afford to see you more.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

feeling hurt there are too many things I can't tell you next week. I don't know how I can cope with only 50 minutes to feel ok

t,
if i asked you if you wanted to come see my new place... would you??

maybe ill just show u pictures.

but it would be cool if you came to see it and met toby.

justtttttttttt wondering.....

me

I can't wait to see your face when I give you what I am making for you.

Thank you for the phone call last night, and telling me that you care about me.

I wish all your clients after me will cancel because of the storm and you'll just spend the rest of the day with me...

So, is this it? Will this be our last session? I know that, if we do decide to end, you'll want me to come back to close properly, and I know that I can't do that.
I have felt so much recently that you are showing me that you're tired of me, or maybe just very busy and need to drop a client or two...and yes, I've made the connection that it's historical for me to feel so affected by that difference between what someone is telling me, and what I think they are really feeling...but it doesn't make this any easier.

I need support really badly right now, but I'm too proud to ask for it. Can't you just read my mind and check on me?!?!

It's a horrible anniversary today. I feel so lost and hopeless and SI. I miss you so bad right now. but you are seeing me during your leave and I can text you and I'm amazed by your ongoing support while you were supposed to just not work. I feel awful. Though I see you in 2 days so no texts. I'll cry tonight as long as I feel like it and then I can make it to the session.

UGh, T! I'm sorry for just raging at you (not AT you, at me, but you know, sharing that with you) in the e-mail I just wrote. I am not embarassed now that I've calmed down a bit and had a beer. I just hate myself so, you know?

hiya t, i liked sitting on the floor last time. and that question you asked is still working on me. i'll be wanting to start before we even sit down haha seeeee you thursday!

T, you are too nice to me. How can a 2 sentence e-mail make me feel a little better? Thank you x a million.

Dear T,
I want to go to your house so badly and just see what it looks like. I want to have a sleepover with you and just hang out and bake and watch tv and spend time together having fun. I want to spend all my time with you, and I really really appreciate how you've been calling me each day lately. But I'm worried that you'll start to get sick of me and resent me for being so needy and not having other people I can bother instead of you. I'm going to miss you when you go on vacation in a couple of weeks, and I hope you really do come back. I know you intend to, but what if your plane crashes or something? I want you to take the gift I gave you last week to your house. Don't keep it in your office, keep it in your bedroom or living room or something. Sorry I'm so quiet and boring in sessions. I know it must be difficult trying to make conversation with me.

-
I found this quote and thought you might give it to your client who is being bullied.

"Bullies thrive wherever authority is weak." - Tim Field

I didn't want to say goodbye to say. 8 weeks. At least I get to see some one else next month. I hope you're proud of me. The glitter on your face was a nice distraction ☺

=
Do you encourage people to purposefully embarrass and humiliate others? Or is this of their own mindset?

Would you forgive someone who embarrassed and humiliated your children? Or is it just ok for them to do it to someone else?

Are you not listening or can you just not hear what Im saying these days? I told you I felt like I was withering and hurting, and you told me to have more faith. Please be present today. Please listen with heart without dissecting me with your mind today. It's so hard to get out of bed every day and face life. I know my depression is coming back and I really need empathy and understanding, not lectures and self-disclosure. Please be there today.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing the FOO, even though just last month we all met in foreign-land. I am glad you helped me realize I am an adult that has the right to pilot my life. I didn't even have to go through a process of forgiving them. I was just able to move on and build better relationships with them, because you said I could only change me. My neurons continue to rewire, and change never stops.