Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

G, I feel like I am one of those people whom others find annoying and want to push me away from them because I am too needy. I am afraid that you feel uncomfortable with my feelings for you, and that you are starting to keep me at arms length. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have signed the birthday card I gave you with "love" before signing my name. It took me forever to decide how to sign it. Just putting my name seemed too cold and distant, and "sincerely" seemed to formal. And then I just decided to hell with it. Why not write "love, _______"? Because I do love you, so I figured I'd just be honest. But when I gave you the card, which you noticed I had made with one of my nature photos, it felt so flat. It wasn't the enjoyable experience I thought it would be, because I was still having a hard time believing you when you reassured me that you weren't annoyed with me. You didn't seem happy to see me when I got there, and I felt like you didn't feel like seeing me that day. I am terrified that I have become the client that you dread.

Dear T,
Guess what?! I realized as I was walking home today that I wasn't anxious to see you. For the first time EVER in therapy for me!! I wanted to e-mail that to you, but I'll save it for next session. I really am glad I decided to try therapy again.

Dear T,

I'm glad you are going to try to fight for what's right and face me like a man with the truth. I mean, we all know you're not a kid anymore who is afraid of admitting a huge mistake. Or are you??

Dear T,
Thank you for today. When you said that I am a good person that is worthy of being treated with respect, I started to cry. I've been so conditioned to take the abuse and not say anything. I think it's the nicest thing that someone's said to me in a long time. I know that it will take work to "be my own advocate" but thanks for investing your time in me.

T. I'm not ready to have to deal with my family this week for thanksgiving. I don't think I can handle it

T,

Just like ex T, you'll fool me with nice promises and then forever walk out from my life without caring a single bit.

t,

i saw on your identity drawing we did in group you wrote aspergers. do you really think you have that? youve mentioned it to me before but i thought you might be joking. im not sure what i think about that, i mean, i dont think you have it , or maybe you have a mild form of it. i see you get really into certain things, almost obsessed (always sunny in philidelphia??? ) and you get really excited to talk about them even if i have no clue what youre talking about. at any rate, it intrigued me that you wrote that on there. you also wrote that you're a good dad.... i agree with that

me

,'
Dear T,

What is the dynamic used in so many people contributing to the embarrassment, humiliation and destruction of another person? Is it called the "group mentality"? Where people just go along with the leader even though they know it's wrong?

This is often on my mind. What are your thoughts?

Cloudburst

The sense of freedom I've felt since we did the energy work has increased since our talk the other day. It is kinda thrilling, t!

Dear Previous T,
You're the one who showed me how to do this. It hurt like a m-f-er, back then, and I was sooo angry, but still, I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am now. Sometimes the pain really is worth it. I did good yesterday. I think you would be proud if you knew. I know T will be when I tell him. I couldn't have done it without him either, but you're the one who showed me how. Thank you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear T.

Why did you feel the need in discharging me?

I know you aren't supposed to reply to these but I wanted to let you know I feel EXACTLY the same way and you are not alone. I hope you can get through it ok.

dear t,

THANK YOU for saying you are so proud of me..it means a lot. i am feeling proud of myself too. im all growed up, T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me

Trigger!!! About death.

Dear T,

I feel pain when I think about talking about my reactions to your stuff. I feel connected to you because you were grieving and lonely. I wonder if you lied to me when you said you were fine, that session where I guessed something about you. You're a very strong woman. I'm grieving in my own way. I thought today: " well, this has been a nice little vacation but now it's time for _____ to come home." Then I realized he's a pile of bones now and I cried. I don't comprehend death. He should be sitting in his chair, reading. Where are my Mom and Dad? I want my Mom back. I don't want anyone to die!

Dear T,
Wish I was seeing you this week. But I understand you have family visiting and staying with you for the holiday. So I hope you have a nice, relaxing time. I'll save any e-mails or texts until after. I was in a bad place last night and thought about contacting you, but I made it through on my own. Hoping I can continue to do that until I see you a week from Tuesday. Because you deserve a true vacation from your work.

Thank you so much for working me into your busy schedule for tomorrow. You know this session is urgent after the intense email I sent you. Thank you for being there for me. I feel so safe with you. You are the greatest T ever. You know when I need you without me having to say it and you really "get" me. I honestly couldn't ask for more. I love you.

Tonight is the first night when I have wished we had some emergency out of session contact arrangement. I’m bleeding ……. and I’m scared.

G, I don't understand all these confusing feelings I have for and about you, and I wish I didn't have them. I wish to God I'd never allowed this transference crap to happen. I could have stopped it. I know exactly when it started and I allowed it to happen, even willed to happen because it made me feel better temporarily. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I was special to someone. I am not going to let this happen ever again with anyone else. All it brings is torment and grief in the end. I am afraid therapy is going to end very badly.

It's official. You're the most amazing, caring, ethical, kind, and wonderful T. Thank you, for it all.

I love you and I believe you when you say you love me. I feel safe with you. I wish I could carry those feelings of being loved and accepted with me all the time. I'm so glad I get to see you before I face the holidays.

To other people's therapists in Phoenix-

Your profiles are weird, and I usually like weird. But not creepy. You all have creepy profiles that make me think twice about continuing therapy.

Rule of thumb: Smile in your photos but not crazy smiling. If you choose a serious expression, try not to look like a serial killer please.

If you use the words "Spiritual Counseling" whether christian or new age I will click away from your profile in a mad hurry. A Life coach bullet point may earn you a punch in the face.

Why are you all bizarre? I just want a trustworthy, good hearted person who models having their own sheet together. You all look like you wear tin foil hats in your spare time.

If he wasn't 5000 miles from you, I'd lend you mine! It must suck trying to find a new T on top of everything else

Dear Pdoc

Today I'm finally seeing you again. I'm nervous, excited and sad all at the same time.

dear t: that email i sent you last night, is actually one i don't regret the next morning! how about that?

Okay, so, I have a compromise...
I will come to therapy. But I will not talk about any of that stuff, or anything you could connect to it....so, I will talk about the weather, my new car, my credit card, umm..cooking...
Of course, you know nothing about this compromise. I wonder how quickly you'll work it out?