Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Can we work on the eye contact thing again? I feel like I'm slipping away (from you) into some kind of block. I hate feeling awkward. I hate that I can't look you in the eye more often.

It feels like I'm losing hold on something I could learn from.

Dear T,
So sad that I won't be seeing you again until the New Year. Not sure what made me think you'd be in next week, knowing you host the Christmas celebration in your family. Though I appreciate your offer to see me Monday since you will be in for a bit to see another patient who will be going back to college. You said if it's an emergency, so as much as I'd like to see you one more time before the end of the year, I'm hoping I won't be at emergency level then.

And thanks for the hug--it seemed very warm. Wish I could hug you more than once a year... Maybe if I ask?

Dear MC,
Is it wrong to be glad you're Jewish because you'll be in next week?

Also, it didn't look like you were in today since your office was dark. Hope you and your family are OK!

So that was Freud's secret! He was around at Christmas when his patients felt most stressed.

Dear T,

Since I don't know the next time I'm going to see you, I just need to get something out here.

I realized something about my transference to her today. It has something to do with purity/innocence. Someone alluded to something she said that apparently was "dirty" (according to the person talking), and I suddenly felt sick. Like nauseous-sick. I never realized that that was part of the transference. I made me realize I was wrong about her. Do you think this will change how I look at her? I'm not actually sure what she said. Even the thought of her being "dirty" makes me ashamed and sick to my stomach.

Please have a cancellation tomorrow. Please.

((Miri))

Good insight! This should bring you a step closer to your goal.

Dear T,

One more appointment before the long holiday break.
I guess I will try to keep the session light. I don't want to think about any extra difficult issues or emotions while you are gone.

Dear T,

I haven't told you yet- I dreamed about you the other night. It was a good dream.

I'm happy that I dreamed of you. It means (to me) that I have internalized you...and that it's possible for me to dream of you again...like I do PrevT.

I will carry both of you around with me always.

-
I heard a song tonight that reminded me of you. Why are the sad songs played around the holidays as if people didn't have enough to be depressed about?

Thank you so much for the email you sent me tonight. It made me feel so much better. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved. I love you so much!

T,
I didn't think 5 weeks would be this hard! My depression is getting worse. I wrote to you several notes and it's only been two weeks! I may end up destroying my life by then. I tried to schedule a sooner appointment with you but you don't have any sooner appointments. I wish you would call like you said.

T,

ive come so far from where i was even just a year ago. if we look at 5 years ago then OMG!!!! **** said i am lucky to have you as a therapist. I AGREE!!!! i feel lucky. i know i've worked hard to get here but i couldnt have done it without you on my team... thank you for always being you... for playing with me and being silly... for pushing me when i felt like giving up... for ALWAYS being there for me... for showing me how to trust and connect... i was thinking about this on my way home from work.... i never thought i'd be able to have a job for this long and even be promoted.. idk,... i just feel so glad

me

-
Went to sleep thinking maybe, just maybe.... Only to wake up to having my feelings completely invalidated by you once again.

Why do I only ever want to pour my heart out to you when I'm not with you?

Having a needy moment *sigh*

Thank you for all of the kind things you did and said yesterday. I appreciate all that you trust me with and that I can trust you so much in return. I miss you already. I hope you have a great trip but I also hope it goes by super fast (although I did tell you that yesterday, didn't i?). Please be safe and come home very soon!

T,

Can you just please "create" a cancellation for me? I desperately need you today.

EM

Dear T,

while I was waiting for you you walked in with another T. You were talking a little bit, about where you live, the traffic in the morning, you have to bring your daughter to daycare because your boyfriend is a freelancer and he has to leave even earlier.
Seeing you talking with that T and hearing this, I felt a pang of jealousy. I''m jealous of you and your life. And also a bit jealous of that T. She gets to talk to you and get to know things about you. I want to know more about you.

Only a few more hours left for you to call me with a cancellation *fingers crossed*. I don't have high hopes but I don't know what to do. :/

Dear T,

today we were talking about what I wrote and challanging my thoughts. You said ''I think, in general, a therapist wouldn't ask a client he/she really dislikes to ''move'' with him/her to her new workplace and leave the other thirty clients behind''. You said something like that.

Why can't you say ''I''? Why don't you say ''I wouldn't have ask you to move with me to my new workplace if I would dislike you or find you really annoying''?

But you saying this and some of the other things today, it must mean you don't dislike me. Right?
Did you asked other clients of they wanted to ''move'' with you? Not everyone would want to see you in another city. Some might think it's too far for them. Not everyone would want to keep you, some don't mind to see another T. Not everyone has been in therapy woth you for so long.
Did you asked other clients? I kind of hope I was the only one you asked this.
I still want to be your favorite.

It's not going to happen today is it? I really needed it to. I hope you weren't just blowing smoke when you said you'd let me know and that the first cancellation would be mine. 99% of the time I'm pretty sure you wouldn't lie/deceive me but there is a part of me that always thinks you do. I just need to try to get through one more night, one more work day, and then I will be at my regular appointment. I wish you could see me today

Dear T,
Last night on the phone you sounded mad at me. You sounded upset and frustrated and annoyed. When I asked if you were upset with me, you said that your tone of voice was concerned, not upset. But I think you're both concerned and mad. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry I haven't gotten better yet, and that I seem to have gotten worse. Please don't give up on me. And please don't be mad that I didn't call my psychiatrist like you told me to.

dear t: you asked me 2 really good questions last time and I'm gonna wanna just jump right in when I get there tomorrow. Be ready, okay?

After my family member died, I started having these fears in the back of my mind that something will happen to you in your surgery and how I couldn't handle it if that happened. Yeah, that's how far I've come from the "keep-you-at-arm's-distance" mantra just a few months ago...Agh. You have 100% become too important. But the other part of me knows that I've needed it and that the next step just has to be letting myself rely and trust others in the same way.

But then Anxiety Brain keeps nagging me about what happens if I lose you too...

you said today that you're gonna miss me over the holiday, and you said it so fast that i didn't get the chance to say it back. I want you to know that it meant a lot and I'm going to miss you too.