Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

I hope you're not affected by the flooding. It's been a nightmare trying to get home today; we gave up in the end. Very stressful, and my anxiety was worse than it has been in a long time.

I did that too, to my T for the same reasons. She pulled herself away.

You're human, wanting human connection. I can relate. :/

T,

I was tipsy I think. I shouldn't have messaged you on social media. I've been dreaming that I messaged you over the past week and in the end, I really did.

You won't reply of course. It's your personal social media account even if it's completely public.

I signed my name in my message to you too, so stupid of me.

You will set a firm boundary when I see you again next year, and I will internally cower because I'll perceive it as stern.

I feel like a small child dreading inevitable punishment. I just wanted to reach out to you on Xmas because I felt miserable...

dear T, I can't wait to hear from you. But it's too much to ask in these days. I know you would get back to me but I don't want to initiate contact now. I have been intrusive enough lately and don't want to reach the breaking point in your enormous patience. I don't want you to think "oh, again.." seeing a text from Ambra.
Ah, eternally craving for love from the wrong people. I hate my life so much. And i mean it.

You are so in my head this morning I feel like you're in the room. wtf?!

Dear T,

I assume you made it since I didn't hear of any plane crashes. I let myself cry when I think about you with "that man" but now I'm trying to switch off that station in my mind until I see you and we can talk about it. I am not going to email you until you get back home because my Self says you deserve a break from me. I sincerely do want you to be happy and have a great time, and maybe even marry this guy. I'd probably be happier if you do marry him. Me and my outdated morality, I know. Please come back safely. I don't want any other T but you.

Love,
Rainbow

Dear T,

Thanks for talking to me last night and helping me settle down from the fracas on Christmas.
My dd upsets me. I try to do the right thing...but I'm never right.

Thinking about it last night and today makes me realize I'm such a jerk for not setting firmer boundaries-

I'm going to probably tell you ...and have just realized in a new way...that I am afraid of my own dd.

Dear MC,
Kinda nervous about seeing you tomorrow. Hoping we can talk about stuff besides the drinking...

Dear T,
I miss you. Waiting more than a week to see you seems like a long time... And I hope you'll be willing to hug me again, because those two times (Christmas hug, then last-minute Christmas hug when you gave me the appointment right before you went on vacation) were nice... Wish we could do that more than just at the holidays. Because you're a very warm hugger...

dear t,

i told you im on an antibiotic and you said "make sure you eat yogurt"....i felt embarrassed cuz you were basically telling me how to prevent a yeast infection!!!!!! i said yah but inside i was like OMG SHUT UP T!!!!!!!!!

me

I am sorry I am such a bother and you have to deal with me.

I'm jealous of the people who get to spend the holidays with you, who you will easily and freely love. I know you'll be surrounded by lots of family and friends who will be happy to see you and spend time with you. I wish I had friends and family who wanted to be with me on Christmas, or who even thought of me during Christmas. I wish I felt loved and like I had place. I've worked hard to make the holidays meaningful for my children, but they know, too, that there are no grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends around and I know that it's because no one wants to be with me.

T,

I'm sorry I'm such a freak.

Dear T,

Today my asshole brother said something to me for the first time in 6 months. It wasn't nice. I was doing yoga upstairs, my mom was downstairs vacuming. He came upstairs, I didn't hear him coming. I was appearantly in the way. He pushed his suitcase againt me and said ''go away *ugly word*''. ''You're always in the way *ugly words ugly words*'' I got mad, so I yelled a lot of ugly things at him. My mom heard me, but not her son and he denied saying those words. Then she said she didn't know what to do with us.
I went to take a shower.

T, what do I have to do with this? We've talked many times about what happened between my brother and me. What he has done to me. We've done emdr. I've told my parents. I wrote him a letter.
But I'm the only one in therapy. I'm the only one who's trying to change my thinking and behaviour. They don't do that. They will stay the same, do the same things. I'm trying but I keep falling back in my bad thinking and the same behaviour.

11 more days until I see you. How am I going to get through this?

Its beginning to dawn on me just how much you saw in our last session. I dare you to deny it now! No - even more than that. I dare you to say it out loud now

Dear T,
I so badly want to contact you today. I also want to leave you alone. You are on break until next week Monday and I do not want to bother you. I know you said it was OK to email you, but, geez! Why am I so needy?
I am getting really really anxious because tomorrow is the day I plan on going into work and speaking up for myself. I have no idea how well or how badly they will take it. My stomach is in knots and I'm shaking all over. I'm so scared of change.

Good god that is awful! I would run out of that house and not come back again if my brother ever said anything like that to me. I'm so sorry.

Dear MC,
I love that your mind works almost the same as mine does. I mean, I'm sorry for you that it does, because it sucks to be anxious and self-doubting and often expecting the worst. But it also means that you really understand me, and feeling understood helps me more than I could express. I hope that maybe I make you feel more understood, too.

Dear MC,
I just sent you a really long e-mail about drinking. I hope it's OK I sent it to you. I know you'll think I'm partly sending it now because I want the connection with you, and you're kinda right. But it's also something I need to get out, and I don't think I was successful in doing that today. If I send it to you, then it's out there. Please respond with something, ideally more than just "I got this." Just a couple sentences to let me know you're there and are OK with me e-mailing and understand my concerns...

I always cancel on you when I'm at my worst. Why havent you learned that yet?

You often say you wish you could be a fly on my shoulder helping me make decisions. I could use a fly on my shoulder right now. This vacation time is not going how I wanted it to, and I'm having a lot self-doubt and depression. I could use some encouragement or someone rational to talk with.

It is so weird to see your brother in law and his family park next to me at an eat out. Really spun me out.

T, I'm really worried. You said hello yesterday morning and then haven't seen my reply or used your phone since. It's definitely not of you.. 2 days. I'm really worried now. Please check that phone. You don't have to text me, I just want to see you using it.

Dear t: you know what I've been noticing lately? I've been noticing myself NOT thinking about therapy, which means then of course that I start thinking about therapy, and I wonder, will I ever be able to just live my life and not think about therapy, or even not think about NOT thinking about therapy?? I guess I should give myself a break, therapy's helped me change my life so much for the better, I guess it's only natural, maybe it's a step in the right direction, noticing when I'm not thinking about it, because that means for a little bit of time anyway, I wasn't thinking about it. I shall instead be encouraged that the length of time I go not thinking about it will get longer before I notice that I'm not thinking about it. Of course as I type this it's the ONLY thing I'm thinking about. As I force myself to look at the clock and think ah shyte it's almost time to leave for work.

ETA: T, I think too much.

Dear Pdoc,

45 minutes until I see you again. I'm so nervous.