Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear MC,
You took off your glasses again today for a bit while you were talking to me. I'm curious as to why you do that sometimes, and it's only been in the past 6 months or so. It made me feel more connected to you (which could be a good thing or a bad thing!). There was a lot of joking around today, which was fun, but also a lot of comfort and understanding mixed in there. Maybe you could tell that there was stuff I wasn't saying? I want to send you an e-mail right now, but I won't. I'll just try to hold on to the warm, fuzzy feeling I often get from talking to you...I guess it's the feeling of being understood and accepted...understood because you're a lot like me.

Heavy day, heavy day. Would love to have a session with you now, or even tomorrow, but I'll have to wait till Wednesday. Still burning to tell you about this weird dream too.
You know, I'm so proud to have you as my T, I love quoting your nuggets of wisdom at Uni. My tutor has heard of you.

Can't believe it's over, how it blew up so badly and went downhill so fast.

I wonder if you'll miss me. I wonder if you'll keep the photo I gave you last year up for awhile or if you already took it down. I guess it doesn't matter and I'll never know.

I'm glad I made the decision to move on but I wish I didn't have to. It didn't have to end like it did.

I need to remember this. Like embroider it on my forehead.

You're a big part of the reason why I want to destroy myself.

-

You upset me to NO END. You have no idea how much you've hurt me. To think that a T doesn't even care about his clients is abhorrent to me. Turning your back on me, letting me suffer for years because of YOUR NEED TO FLIRT with her and GOSSIP ABOUT ME??? HOW DARE YOU!!!!

She easily manipulated you didn't she?

I don't know how you live with yourself. You're a selfish monster.

7 weeks without you is going to do my head in

T,

I need to see you sooner than scheduled.

Holy shizz. It's working.

I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this

Haha! She has said it so many times that I yell at her in my head, because those words have been popping in my brain when I really want to isolate. Damn you, T!

Dear T, I am scared sh**less because I cant plan out what I am going to say in session cause I don't know what is coming next.

The closer tomorrow's session gets, the more anxious I become. Why? Because I know what I have to do. I have to start talking to you about sex, and it scares me. I hope I can handle it.

T,

i was scared today......you were just being you ofcourse, as always...consistent T... why do i always think ur gonna become a big mean bully all of a sudden?????

you said it isn't fair that i reach out to you all upset n stuff when i dont eat (dont take care of myself).... i UNDERSTAND what youre saying, T. i said - because you feel like im not doing my part? you said- yeah

i will do better.... i will TAKE CARE OF MYSELF better!!!!!!!!! not JUST because of what you said. because i want to get better.... i already made that list...n emailed it to you...and you said awesome!!! and that weird stuff abt laminating and nunchuckz ( )

sooooo..... i will work harder T.... for ME!!!!!!!!

me

PS im gonna work on ur Calvin drawing this week since you lost the other one!!!!!!! its ok, its ok... i drew it 5 yrs ago.... we need a new and improved one!!!

Thank you for supporting me as much outside of session as you do in session during this tough time. You are amazing. Absolutely amazing. Our misunderstanding yesterday has brought us closer and we both learned so much. I could never thank you enough.

T,

Thanks for calling me back when I asked through the clinic if I could speak to you if I needed an earlier appointment.

Thanks for sounding so "you" on the phone - your casual, consistent warmth makes me want to cry.

Thanks for reminding me that therapy is a joint thing: that it's about my needs which you can accommodate within your boundaries, and not "What does T want?"

Jeez T
What is the point of making me angry and frusrtating my attempts to get another appointment?

You always wrote "you will make it". Now you are saying/writing for the first time "we will make it through this". I would like to know what has changed in your perception to feel and make me feel we are team.

T,

Please don't be late today. Please be on time for once. Please get me at 3pm, not at 3.03pm, not at 3.05pm, not at 3.10pm. No, get me at 3pm, my time. The waiting room is right outside your door. There's no reason to be late. At your former work place you did get me at my time (except for two or three times). So you can be on time. Why is it now so hard?
It makes me feel like I'm not so important as your other clients. So I don't have school or work. And I usually don't talk so much that the 45 minutes are too short. I just want you to start on time and don't end before my time is over. That shows to me that you respect me and that you don't think I'm less than your other clients.

Als, I don't really know what to talk about today. Nothing is wrong, but also nothing is right. I don't feel so bad anymore. But now I feel more like numb. I have this whatever feeling. And that doesn't help me either. I'm just like a zombie. Empty. But also a bit sad. Like I want to cry. Lonely. Less than others.
I'm a bit confused about what I feel and how I should be feeling. I'm confused about myself.

I told you some really terrible things today. Am I still acceptable to you?

I don't even know what I'll talk about today. Probably that email where i was working out my complicated feelings. Embarrassing.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

T,

I should have kept it to myself. It didn't help me or make me feel better. I'm afraid I've made things worse. I'm afraid you don't like me after what we talked about. I'm afraid you find me annoying and difficult.
Why didn't I just act like nothing was wrong, like I did those other times. I'm so stupid.

Darling T,

I'm writing you a letter for Christmas.
I want you to read it while I'm with you.
I want you to not read it in my presence.
Perhaps I shouldn't give it to you at all.
I wonder if you re-read my letters I give you.
I don't know why it matters.
I want to ask you if you ever re-read them.
I guess it'd make me feel good.
I'm struggling with this whole relationship again.

EM

Dear Prev T,

I hope you weren't teaching near San Bernardino today!

I don't see you for a couple of days, but I need to know why transference hurts so much. I mean, it physically hurts!!! The intensity of the feelings make me nauseous also and sometimes makes my head spin.