Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Do I remind you of yourself?

I miss you terribly. I'm slowly spiraling downward without your help. Please, please, PLEASE come back to private practice part-time at least and call me first on your list of former patients. Please.

(I realize I am new here, back story to the above: my T had to leave private practice in November, not his fault, the hospital system closed their behavioral health clinic, they said they wanted to keep him on but they didn't know where or how, he could not sit around in limbo for months and wait for them to figure out what to do with him, he has a family to support, he took a full-time position elsewhere at a small psych hospital).

Perhaps he owns a much larger number of "plain" ties?

Hi T
You would not believe how much I want to be one of kids right now...

Dear T,
Today was the last time I'm going to see you until you come back from vacation. I'm really going to miss you. I have a few things planned to keep me busy, but I wish I could see you. I hope you have a wonderful vacation though; you deserve it. I can't wait to see all the pictures too!

I'm sorry I hugged you so long you felt a need to pat me to signal to let go. We'd just talked about a lot of things that made me feel vulnerable and I knew it would be a (relatively) long time until I'd see you again. Now I feel embarrassed and a little ashamed. I wish I could apologize in person and promise you I'd never do it again. I hope you don't feel like I took advantage of the situation. I also wish I could just let it go and let myself be human and have the occasional weakness without bbbeating myself up relentlessly.

Hey T, had a weird night last night thinking about grandma. So, needed to talk but not gonna bother you on your vacation.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

t,

due to unfortunate circumstances i am staying in a hotel room by myself for christmas eve. i wish i was at my moms house with her and my sister... or even at my house with my cat, but here i am . im trying not to feel too sad about it... but if u were here to ask me how i am i would prob cry.

merry christmas!!!!!!!!! -____-

me

((junk DNA))

Ex-T: you confuse me. Your text this afternoon, out of the blue, surprised me, delighted me, and stirred up so many emotions in me. All you said was that you wished me a merry Christmas. But that was so powerful. I wanted to be very clear about what the rules were after we terminated. You said that I could send you updates if I wanted and that you would always respond. We didn't, however, cover what to do if you were the one to initiate contact. I thought that it was sort of just understood that after termination, the therapist is pretty much gone from my life unless I made a move to keep you there. But you texted me. For whatever reason, it scares me and confuses me. Because I am reminded of how much I miss you and I get this flutter inside me of hope that maybe, you and I aren't as 'done' as I thought.

Dear T

I feel so terrible. Everything... I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone. I won't see you for two weeks. I wrote a scheme about what has happened. Maybe I will send it to you with that other thing you asked me to email to you. But you'll probably don't have time to answer that. Next week you only work two days, I think those days are full with clients. And then the week after...three working days until I see you.
I just don't know what to do. You probably can't even help me. I don't know what can. It's about my parents, my brother and that *****. It's not really possible to solve this. We can only work on my thoughts and behaviour. But that's so hard. I wish I could live somewhere else. Or that my brother would move out. It won't solve everything, but at least the biggest trigger would be gone.

Christmas dinner in 1,5 hours. Most of it is done. Why do I even offer to make dinner? What's the point? I so don't feel like eating with them. I just want to lay in bed and watch tv.
I feel so lonely. I am lonely. I wish I had someone. Someone who loves/likes me. Someone who has my back and who wouldn't lie to me. Someone who thinks I'm the most important one for him/her. Someon for who I'm the first choice, not second or third or last.

I don't know what to do.

Two weeks is a long time. And I too am just going thru the motions this holiday season. But fortunately I don't have to deal with a live-in brother. Sorry that you do.

I miss you again. I hate that! Thats two weeks in row. Going on our historical connection patterns, you will be looking at me with horror right about our first session back. Please please don't. Im not a scary person.

T -
I don't see you for another 2 weeks. This is crazy.
I'm starting to panic about next week. I know I started to write down all the things I'm going to tell my bosses on Tuesday, but I am so freaking scared. This is so way way way far out of from anything I have ever done.
NP just does what she's supposed to do. She doesn't stand up for herself. No this isn't right! NP is just supposed to shut up and put up.
But I can't anymore and I HAVE to do this.
I'm never going to be able to talk to them without crying. Oh God I hope I can hold it together.
I'd email for help, but really, what the h*** can you really do?

Dear t: I want so much to wish you a Merry Christmas today but I won't bug you.

I just had a passing thought for you and your Christmas. I hope your day is peaceful and happy.

dear t i hope you are having a beatuful crhistmas

and thank goodnesd for this threawd since i have had too much wine eeeeeeeeeeeee

Dear T,

I wanted to call you almost every day, for the last two weeks.

Just Me

Hey, you and me both

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

Dear uni therapist,

You know when you said, "I just want you to be my girl"? What I wanted to say was, "I AM! I AM!" But instead I just clenched my fists, which you noticed, and then you apologised and said you could see that it was too much for me. Even though it was three weeks ago, I still think about that session, when I showed up despite trying to quit just a few days earlier. I still feel awful about that stupid breakdown caused by my stupid depression. I'm worried it has made you think of me as fragile, or something.

Dear T,
I'm sad. I have no reason to be, except I drank too much alcohol today. I just want to be in my bad, cuddling my little guy.

I think you know that every time I leave a session I'm afraid that will be the last time I see you. Why are you going to make me say it.....?

DEAR Psychiatrist,
thank you for the standard copied&pasted Christmas wishes at 11 pm. I know you are very devoted. I also know why they came late: my surname starts with z so I was the last on the list (woh, sounds like a curse for life). Thanks but I don't usually talk to God. He must have some hearing issues and I stopped trying when I was pulled from a sept where people cried and beated themselves and a priest was telling them how bad they were. I'm not bad. I just stopped believing there's a mercy God somewhere. (Sorry everyone, that's just me. I hope i didn't hurt anyone's feelings. I wish i could still have that faith again.)

Anyway, Psychiatrist, thanks, but you haven't got back to me yet. To my question about my health and meds. Honestly I think you don't even remember who I am anymore. But thanks for wishing me a merry holy Christmas.

Dear T

It's sad. You're the only one I can trust. That became clear tonight. I know my mom lies to me sometimes. Probably to keep the peace or something, but I don't like it. I can't trust my parents. I can't trust anyone. I don't have much people. So you're the only one I trust. But you're only my T. I see you for 45 minutes once a week. And I'm nothing to you. I'm just one of your many clients. How many do you see each week? I think more than 20 clients a week. I'm nothing.

Today was a **** day. It was a bit fun during dinner, but after I found something out. And that ruined everything. I can't trust my parents.

I drank a bottle of wine. It doesn't do anything. I feel a little bit slow and hazy and sleepy. But it doesn't make me forget any troubles. On tv people who drink seems to feel better for a little while or they have more courage. I don't get that. I only become slow. Ugh. Nothing can help me to feel better. I'm all alone.