Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Vous avez dit bonne nuit de nouveau à moi. Il m'a fait sentir plus sûr de tomber endormi que je dois en mois. Je espère que notre connexion continue de croître. Je me sens en sécurité avec vous. Je me sens aimé par vous. Je suis peur de ces sentiments que je dois avec vous et espère un jour être en mesure de les accepter pour ce qu'ils sont, sans crainte.

When I said "I'm glad I didn't know you were in London yesterday" I hope you understood that I meant that I would have worried about you, because I care about you.

I've been kind of a mess since we talked yesterday. I'm so glad I see you again tomorrow...
Part of me wishes I could see you twice a week every week, but really, it would be far too intense.
I love you, you know. Not like I love her - like I love my best friends. It's so much better that way. Loving her was (and is) painful and scary.

My cloud has burst today after holding it together for a while. I don't know how you could do this to me? I don't understand it? You let me languish in my tears for years. It's inhumane. most of the way home tonight, just like so many other nights since you turned your back on me. I don't know why? I don't know how you could after all we'd been through. You wouldn't have done it to her would you? No not your precious ______. You wouldn't hurt her like you did to me.

I am anxious for my session tomorrow. It hurts to look at you sometimes. You always make me feel better and make me feel like I can do anything. I am so blessed and lucky to know you. If our sessions were just you talking about whatever you wanted I could sit there and listen forever. Your voice is so soothing and makes me so happy. I love you.

I finally get to see you tomorrow. I feel like I can't wait. There is so much I need to talk about with you and I feel like my heart is full to bursting, and it's not good stuff bursting out.

I came in because I wanted to quit face-to-face, because I thought for sure if I didn't show up or quit by email you would have just used that as proof of my borderline...and you actually admitted that you "painted me in a corner" because you knew that's exactly what I'd have thought. And you admitted that it got too confrontational last week. You are so confusing. You seemed to have backed way off this week. And you really don't want me to leave...you aren't stopping me, you cannot do that, but you sure were trying to discourage me. I didn't quite commit to coming to my next session and truthfully I don't want to. I need a stable therapist, not someone who I'll never know how I might set off and end up fighting with. There's challenging and being hostile and I feel you crossed that line, and if it happened once it can happen again and I'm not going through this again.

Tears keep falling down my face. I feel like someone's died.

hi t. you know - 4 years is a long time - and i've made so much progress and so many good changes in myself over that time - the logical part of my brain says i got this, i can do this life thing without you - and i would love to have the extra money i'd have if i did 'go it alone' - but my heart hasn't let me 'let go' in the past. perhaps the recent realizations will now let me move towards a gradual letting go - we'll have to talk about it - once again i wish my skin would just turn purple or something to indicate when i'm done with therapy and then once i quit, go back to normal. ah. i don't know. let's talk about this today okay?

p.s. i'm not even angry anymore. i've talked on pc about feeling anger the other day at what the t relationship is not - but i accepted and felt through that anger when it came, and i don't feel it anymore. interesting.

Dear T,

I think it might be close to time for me to ditch new T because I deserve someone who doesn't force ideas and opinions on me all.the.time. I am tired of her advice that is so constant, T. She doesn't listen or seem to even try to understand. She talks about her life too much. She only gave me 25 minutes last week and called it a session. She keeps trying to change my time for our appt. and it's all over the place from week to week. She seems oblivious to the fact that I have attachment issues - thank goodness I feel no attachment to her. I guess in that way she protects me from that kind of harm. But I am almost done protecting myself I think. Maybe not quite ready, but I'm preparing. This T is not for me.

Dear T

You were late. Not much, but how can you not be on time? You have lunchtime before my session, so one would think you can be on time for our session. Well, at least you weren't late because of another client. That would be horrible.
But then when you got here, you first had to go to the toilet. That's something your lunchtime is for.
And then when we were in your office, you first had to turn on your laptop and take a look at last weeks notes. That is also something you should do before it's time for your clients session.
It was 5 minutes after my time when you turn on your laptop. You also went about 5 minutes over time, so I did had my full time. But I just want you to start on the agreed time.

Do you also do this with your other clients. Are you also a few minutes late when you have other clients after your lunchtime? Or is it just with me? Because I'm ''easy''. So far you have been a bit late at every session that was right after your lunchtime.

This just irritates me a bit. I'm on time. You expect me to be on time. Well, I expect that also of you.
And I'm afraid you're only like this with me. Because you have been my T for so long. You know me. And you also know that I don't often express things that are bothering me. I'm ''easy''.

And another thing. I don't like that I can't have my session on Wednesday anymore. It has been on that day since the beginning of this year. I'm used to that. I like that. And it doesn't feel so good to change to another day. Why is that day so full all of a sudden? Where do all those people come from? Those people stole my day.
I've been your client for a long time. I went with you when you changed to anothere practise (to cover someone who just got a baby) and then to this practise. I don't think many of your other clients went with you, since those practises aren't in the same city.
At our first sessions here, your agenda was very empty. Now if fuller. That was to expected, but why does everyone want on the Wednesday?

I think I, as one of your longest clients, maybe your longest, should get some sort of priority. Like at some stores or webshops you get a discount or little someting when you have placed so many orders or have been a client for so many years. I think your longest clients should get the choice to choose if they want their session on the same time, same day every week.

I just want my day! I might sound like a whiny child right now. But I just feel like you might get enough of me or you don't really care about me. I feel like I'm less important than your other clients.

Without admitting any responsibility for that, I bet.

Dear Mental Health Nurse Specialist...

We were beginning to get somewhere. For the first time in my life I felt like I could gather enough courage up within' the next 4 or so appointments to tell you how I really feel inside and to let you see exactly how much I hide from everyone else. For the past 2 years I've been slowly giving you my trust, bit by bit building up to this moment. But that's gone now because you have been moved onto another outpatient unit out of my area. Emails are great but its not the same. Now I have to start over with another mental health nurse.. Thanks for everything that you've done for me, you cared more then any other mental health professional has for me in my entire life. I know its not your fault, I know you kept me as your patient for as long as you possibly could. I just wish it had been for a bit longer so I could finally be honest with someone about how I really feel and not tell them just what I think they want to hear.

G, I'm not quite sure why I am feeling so angry at you. Maybe it's because you are gently hinting at the reality that you can't be my friend and that we can't travel in any of the same social circles when therapy is done. Maybe it's because I feel like you weren't being honest when you said that you aren't annoyed with me. I don't know why it's so hard for me to hear/accept/believe all the good things you say about me. Today I felt like you weren't 100% present with me, and I was frustrated with that. I felt like you didn't really want to see me today, like you had other things more pressing on your mind. I find it ironic and disturbing how it's okay for me to feel frustrated with you, but I cannot tolerate the thought that you might be frustrated with me. The thought that you might not like me fills me with so much despair. I want you to like me and only have positive feelings about me. But I know life doesn't work that way. I know I see things so black-and-white, so either/or, so good or bad. If something is good, it's really good; if it's bad, it's really bad. I feel like if someone is frustrated with me then it must mean they don't like me and they are rejecting me. It always come back to my mom, does't it? That's what I felt from her as a teen; whenever she was frustrated with me it felt like emotionally she was pulling away from me. She never seemed to be able to let go. That's how it is for me, too, and it bothers me that I am so much like my mom. Right now I have this sinking feeling that therapy is going to end very badly - that it will end with anger and tears. I feel so full of despair because I feel like I am just repeating this same old cycle that plays itself out in all my relationships. People usually seem to really like me when we first meet, and I evoke a lot of sympathy because I can't hide my brokenness and pain. I draw them in tighter and tighter into my neediness, and they become quietly frustrated with me, but don't say because they sense how fragile I feel, until they are so frustrated with me that it blows up in our faces or they start distancing themselves from me.

hey dude,

things seem to be getting better mood-wise..i am really glad about that.

me

T, I am too lazy to write this down in my journal (that i've neglected for a few months anyway), but I had a TERRIBLE nightmare last night.

***TRIGGER WARNING for graphic (dream) content***

It is so strange about dreams, how they are like a movie in some ways (as i was the viewer), but it is also me that is the "hunted" one in my dreams. Last night's nightmare was me who narrowly escaped being killed by my landlady's psychopathic son, who fooled everyone for years, by being sweet and charming, and somehow I knew it was fake.

Somehow he got caught before he killed me, and the dream started when I was released from the hospital from being stabbed. He was killed by the police, and I still lived in the same place (the place i live in for real, now), and spent the entire nightmare terrified that he was really alive and going to get me. I never slept, and spent every night in terror that he was lurking in a dark corner, waiting to kill me.

I woke up from this dream about 3 or 4 times during the night (it seemed to last FOREVER), and I was half-asleep and terrified, but could never make myself wake up enough to not go back to the dream. I finally got woken up out of it by my alarm this morning.

I think it interesting that you said these type of dreams are pretty common, and also that it generally means that there is a part of myself that is pissed off at another part of myself. I laughed and said that we both know I have a lot of anger at myself.

I just felt like you didn't care about me today. Maybe you were just having an off day. I noticed you hadn't done anything with your hair today, and when I don't bother with my hair it means I'm REALLY not doing well. So I should probably just cut you a little slack, but it still hurt.

I feel more and more connected to you with every session. I am sorry I just sent you a really heavy graphic email. I am having a really hard time right now and I need you. Thank you for telling me today that you are here and are going to give me the extra support. You know I need you.

Oh BTW you looked so nice today.

Thank you for the apology today. It was not necessary but thank you.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Dear T1, now that I look back on working with you, I realise there were so many red flags I just didn't recognise. Or that I chose to ignore.
When you repeatedly said things like "I am congruent and you are incongruent, that's why you are here" and threw diagnoses at me that you weren't even qualified to make, you made me believe I was iller than I was and you made me think I needed you.
You scoffed at other practicioners and you defensively deflected any criticism of your own work. You told me I was projecting when you belittled me. That was wrong.
You told me too much about yourself and your family. I never ever asked but you volunteered details about your adult son's psychological problems, how do you think he would feel if he knew? They weren't even relevant to my problems. Your confusing boundaries hurt me and it's only now I can see how poorly you behaved as a professional.
It's been almost a year since I saw you, and though I don't believe you meant me harm, I am angry at you for being blind to your own flaws and arrogant in your work. I'm not going to contact you like I said I would. I don't want to hear from you.

Oh my dear wonderful t: I am so very glad that you put that little bowl where you did. It caused such a good little chunk of work and I am really very thankful for it. We are more than okay t. I'm seeing you so very clearly right now as just exactly what you are - my t - not any of the other projected stuff I put on you - and as I told you yesterday the anger I had felt about what our relation ship is NOT is completely gone, and in its' place is a thankfulness and gratefulness for the what our relationship IS. Thank you so much t, thank you so much.

Things are moving quickly. I may lose you in gaining something else.