Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear T,

The world is positively oozing benevolence and the colors are vivid and beautiful and I am so very excited to see you on friday

Dear T,

I want to talk to you about the things that happened to me and the memories I have and things I feel thinking about them but I just can't say the words, and I don't know how. I can't even type them out in an e-mail. It's disgusting and I don't want you to think differently about me. But, you keep saying that the only way to heal shame is to not keep it hidden and a secret. Please help me figure out how to tell you because I'm tired of feeling so messed up.

t,

i emailed you about the voices. i hope you dont think im too stressed and shouldnt take full time classes this semester. i dont think you will though. i am feeling better now and the voices are away for now, thanks to my prn. and... NO i didnt miss meds, etc... i took my meds all of them. today ive felt really triggery and flashbacky..but i am ok. see you tomorrow night... i hope we get to play smash-up so you can be the steam punk faeries

me

T, I have no idea what the point of the 'homework' is.

You could have explained it better.

Oh and yes I get it, I said something that brought a tear to your eye and pulled at your heart strings, no need to bring it up 3 times several sessions and a 3 week break later.

It wasn't intentional and I don't want to make that mistake again

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Thank you for such caring comforting email. I am excited to see you tomorrow and be in your "safe" room even if I don't like what I have to talk about.

Dear dear dear T... you never text me happy b-day or merry Christmas etc. But you never forget my little-big struggles. You don't forget my important days. That's when you text. Be strong, I'm here.. You can make it.. Good luck.. go for it..

I really didn't expect the pre-journey little gift. It filled my heart with joy and gratitude and surprise and made me nostalgic already. Our relationship has changed soooo much since we started, still remaining professional. But this is my journey and now I know I won't even be away too long. I have so much to start here. I feel like go to your office instead of at the airport and squeeze you. Like, the biggest hug ever.

Maybe I'll do it when I come back to you. Bah, now I'm due to leave and can't wait to be back already. I'm nuts. Plus I want to hug people. I'm getting old.

Thank you for today. I'm trying.. I know i'm frustrating but you never make me feel like I am, thank you for that!

Dear uni therapist,

I'm sorry I sent you that irrational email saying we should just give up and stop seeing each other. Thank you for responding saying you don't agree and that you want to see me this week. I'm so glad you'll be coming in this Friday after all. At the same time, I'm a wreck. I feel so ashamed of myself.

I really want you to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

I'm glad I see you tomorrow

Dear T,
I wrote you a letter a few weeks ago, but I never gave it to you. I'm going to edit it tonight, bring it up to speed, and give it to you tomorrow. I hope it goes well, and that you react in a way that makes me feel okay.

I am really nervous for my session tomorrow. I am scared to talk about that email. In my heart I know it will go ok but I am still scared to death. I wish this stuff wasn't so hard to talk about.

T, I'm going to email you and remind you of my appointment on Saturday. It's your own fault that I have to bug you, you know. When you said last time "I hope I don't forget", how can I not remind you?!

And how could you even make it sound like you might forget?!

I am unforgettable darn it!!

Although I feel absolutely certain that you would not have let that little comment slip earlier on in my therapy. Our relationship is changing again, I feel it, and want to talk about the change. Ok?

Oh, and I realized last night that I don't really hate the word relationship describing the therapeutic space between us - I just, I hate that it means so much to me, is all. But how can it not mean so much to me. I've changed so much because of this relationship, so much of my healing has happened because of it, within it, as a result of it, however you want to say it, so how can it not mean so very much to me?!

T-

I am super annoyed!! Stop saying stuff like, you know where to find me if you need me.. Remind me I can text/email when you aren't responsive to those things. I emailed 3 days ago, asking if you had anything available earlier than next week. And nothing.. I asked yesterday while my son was there for his appointment if you had any openings. I know there were very little, and I am ok with that. I am just not ok with you not telling me that and completely ignoring me. A simple- nothing available see you next week would have been fine, but you can't be bothered by it. So, damn frustrating!!

Dear T

I don't want therapy tomorrow. I want to see you, but I don't want to talk. I don't know what to talk about. You know about everything I want to share. I feel empty. I often don't feel much anymore. I think it's the meds? But I'm not ok.

She's back. lol!

T-

Thanks, now was that so hard?

I kknow you are away for 2 weeks and I will try not to get too screwy, but I worry about you not returning and have done so for the past 4 years and I want to tell you how devstasted i am when youu go but i can't Come back safely pls
ps youu haven't answered my text yet was I too late have you already started your leave? thanks you always know the right thing to say

Dear G, I finally saw you today after 3 weeks, all that Christmas and New Year's hype in between. Therapy was REALLY hard today. As stupid as this sounds, I am mad at you for loving me. I thought I wanted you to love me, but I didn't know it would hurt so much to be loved. I guess I've thought of love in terms of affection and hugs and emotional warmth, all of which you have given me. But today I came face to face with a love so much bigger than that, a love that wants what is best for me, a love that is willing to give up something so that I can have what I need. After the first time I saw L for spiritual direction and went to the soul care evening at her house, I told you all about it, and you told me you were hoping and praying she would invite me to that. You decided not to go to the soul care evening because you thought it might be too weird for me to see you there, and for the last 4 months you have given up that monthly meeting so that I can have a place where I can connect in community with other women. That is what real, unconditional love is, and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I feel bad that you have given that up for me. I know you said that you have other ways that you connect to community, but I still feel bad. That's sure come up a lot in therapy, eh? I feel so bad and undeserving of any kind of love.

Tonight at the soul care gathering I couldn't stop the tears from slipping down my face. The only way to stop the tears would be to shut down my soul, and the whole point of these gatherings is to allow your soul to be opened. So the tears came fast and furious. May as well not have bothered with makeup. Just like in therapy this afternoon, I wanted to run. I wanted to run out the door as fast as I could. I wanted to run away from my tears, from my vulnerability. I've walled up my heart for so many years - built fortresses around it and the drawbridge is rusty from such infrequent use. I wanted to protect my heart from pain, but it turns out I built the walls with my pain, and now I have to dismantle that fortress brick by brick. Now there is this pile of rubble that has been partially sorted through, but therapy is coming to an end in March, and there is no way I'm going to get it all sorted by then.

According to that test. Negative!

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9 weeks. 4 down. 5 to go. This sucks.

Dear T,

Thank you for grounding me when I went into that panic attack.

Thank you for realising I was afraid that you was angry with me and telling me that you weren't angry and that no one would hurt me.

Thank you for telling me that you really aren't angry at me each time I asked you.

Hey T

I'm soooooooooo sorry. I realised less than ten minutes after I left what I had done. I really didn't mean to. I just went into Auto mode. It was the situation, NOT YOU. It is no reflection on you at all, its just what I do. I thought it was what I did. I thought I had trained myself out of that - as least as far as you are concerned. I can't believe one freaky little incident and I revert straight back. Gutted.

Please please don't be angry at me. I mean, your emails are lovely. They certainly don't give any indication that you're angry. But I know, and Im so so so sorry. I don't know if you're really not angry, or just hiding your anger. I wanted so much to apologise in my email to you but I don't want to make things worse.

I will do anything not to anger you. Or to dissipate any anger you have and have you realise it really didn't mean anything. If it helps, I will willingly run up and down that street, farting in their letter boxes, smoking weed, and wearing nothing but strawberry body paint declaring T MADE ME DO IT, BLAME HIM COMPLETELY!

OooK! Its only 9 hours into yuor leave and already I am a grumpy bunny.

I've been feeling a bit of "T can't empathise with me, he doesn't understand me" type stuff. I don't know if it's because of the Xmas break, or if it's because of you being ill and misfiring several times last week, or if it's because you challenged my drinking and I'm not totally comfortable with that. Something's kinda making me feel distance from you though. We'll have to work that out.

Dear T,
Thank you for being so wonderful.