Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

I can't believe you said you had a favourite. In fact, I can't believe it so much, I think you said it to goad me.

If I don't have H and I don't have you, then I don't have **** all, so what's the point?

FM,

Got none of it done, and have been lazying around, this weekend, but no choice but to get in gear by Wednesday. My kid has stripped my computer down, and has not got it up and running. Aghhhhh...

Oh well, I look forward to a long brunch with you tomorrow, before school resumes. All my plans are done and have been approved. A little progress.

Deat T, I'm in America! i'm glad you were waiting for news from me and liked the update. I realized many things already. After our chat you told me "what you are looking for you'll find inside yourself". That's when I decided to book my flight back. But I haven't. told you yet. You will see..

Hey T! We totally kick *** at this therapy thing, you know that?!

Dear MC,
I feel really sh**ty right now after some stuff my H said tonight and the way he was acting about our finances. Wish I could curl up in your arms right now. But I know that couldn't happen. Will settle for seeing you for our session tomorrow (please don't cancel!). Usually just seeing you and hearing your voice makes me feel more calm and safe.

School starts tomorrow and I don't even know if I want to go. I probably should have asked what is up with me wanting something so bad and then wanting to flake out when it comes. This goes back to my teen years with having tickets for a concert. I don't feel equipped for school. I don't feel equipped for work. I want to stay in bed until Thursday when I see you. I'm a mess. I really wish I could work from home so I didn't have to deal with people.

Dear T,

I wish I could just text you so you could tell me you'll see me tomorrow for sure.

((EchosMyron))

Dear T,

My sister was her usual self this weekend. How you treat me is a huge contrast to how she puts down everyone, including her own husband, in front of other people.

Dear Ex-T:

I miss you. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I look at my life and think, 'How did I get here?' There were times when we talked about this time in my life - where I was no longer in therapy with you, when I was off in the world just being a teenager. Neither of us ever thought that it would have happened like this. There are so many things that I want to tell you. Little things everyday. I see something that reminds me of you, or I learn something interesting that I wish I could share with you, or I remember a joke that we shared that makes me smile and I wish I could relive it with you. I wonder if you think about me. I can't help but wonder if you know that I think about you. I like to think that maybe, somehow, the feelings and energy that I feel like I am projecting into the space around me might reach you.

It appears I am spending all day today, not emailing you.

I can't believe you would think even for a second that I would do ANYTHING to put my family in harms way...never mid mentioning you are a mandatory reporter. I have tried every way possible to see how I could misinterpret that....but no matter how I look at it, it sucks!!

You miserable low-life. You thought that because I was "weak" you would get away with disparaging my name and reputation. How long did you think the fun of exploiting me would last? How long were you going to hound me for personal information to use to impress "her" and your colleagues.

You are despicable and so are they for listening to you and laughing about me behind my back while smiling and being friendly to my face.

Well the joke is over now isn't it?

Dear T, Sorry I didn't hug you this time. Guess you know why. Guess I know I don't need to apologize either. So sorry not sorry.

So There.
Or something.

lol

Dear MC,
Thanks for understanding me and making me feel less alone in the world. Wish I could spend more than 45-50 minutes a week with you, but I'll take what I can get.

Ohhhhhhhhhh I feel so sick. I know logically that this isn't the same as last time, and I know those emails were designed to reassure. None of that makes any difference. My head is spinning. Theres still the smallest possibility I will see you and your anger today, and that smallest possibility is a constant huge reminder you find me horrifying, and the two combined just have me frozen, and nauseous.

In all the time we have worked together I have never been angry. Until now!! With every ounce of my being I want to cancel tonight.

I'm so sorry I spaced out in my session last night. I just felt nothing. Even talking about things that have made me so anxious all week and I felt blank. I'm so afraid you will think I wasn't being honest. I'm sorry.

Dear PrevT,

This not knowing if I am on the autism spectrum is ...hard and sad..and incomprehensible.
T told me, yes, she thinks I am on the spectrum....when I asked her to tell me the absolute truth. I wonder how long she has suspected?

I felt sorrow for (autistic) grandson...now do I identify with him?

If i find out I'm not..on the spectrum...will I be relieved? Will I be sad?
Will I resent these hard weeks I have felt almost tortured, wondering..?

(If tests show I'm not on the spectrum) ..I will still wonder what is wrong with me..what makes me feel alien:

Remembering- as a child..being tricked into climbing a tree by neighborhood kids. Then they beat my bare legs with sticks and wouldn't let me climb down. When I wildly kicked at them, one boy put his three year old sister in front of him and said, "You won't kick her." And I didn't.
Why did no one like me? Why didn't anyone help me? I never told my parents.

PBS has programming on tonight about autism...and I'm crying through it.

t,

i like talking about weird funny shows with you . glad we have the same weird sense of humor!!!

me

Dear uni therapist,

I really, really, REALLY want to hate you right now. I'm so mad. However, I am mostly mad at myself, because I love you and I find it so hard to be mad at you. But I do feel like you aren't telling me the truth when it comes to how you feel about me. I think you're annoyed and just won't say it. PLEASE JUST SAY IT.

I don't even know where to start. I just --- I don't know about you, but for me yesterdays session was in the top two of all time scary sessions. (And as we continue our form of extreme counselling, thats saying something!)

Im a bit today - but in a good way I think. Just. Oh I don't know. Just thank you. You said all the right things.

Just as I feel nobody can possibly understand me, you go and beautifully describe something that's going on inside me, absolutely accurately, something I haven't even been able to describe myself. That felt good. You are an excellent therapist.

Dear private therapist,

You might be the most patient person on earth. How do you listen to me for 70 minutes instead of kicking me out after 50 like you're supposed to? You are way too kind for your own good. I think you just sensed that the four weeks of not seeing you had resulted in a lot of built-up pain and frustration that really needed to be released.

Thank you.