Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

I love you. You're compassion for me yesterday touched a place in my heart that hasn't ever been understood before. Thank you for sitting with me and being physically present for me during the pain. I felt your love and compassion. I hope you were being sincere and not just therapizing me to get a reaction.

t,

i suspect this dude at work has a crush on me. i like talking to him but NOT LIKE THAT!!!! not ready for all of that......... maybe ill tell u this on saturday. i dont want a boyfriend. i havent had one for...um... 7 years??? is it sad that my last "boyfriend" was my former T? dont answer that cuz i already know..... will i be this way forever???

me

Dear Previous T,
Every so often something breaks through and I miss you terribly. It's not erotic, like it used to be at least... I suppose that's progress. I don't know what it is I want though. It's a dull old ache. It's not even you really. Objectively there is nothing at all you could do that would make me feel better. I don't know if there is anything at all that would make me feel better. Maybe that's why I miss you, because it was always impossible and unreal anyway, how I felt around you...

Dear T,
I'm nervous to see you tomorrow. I'm nervous to talk about my letter and deal with emotions and crap. I hope you make me feel good just like you always do. I feel like it's gonna be a pretty uncomfortable session and I'm gonna feel even more anxious than usual. But I'm also glad I get to talk to you tomorrow, because I feel like crap lately.

I know I'm at a threshold. I know I have to leave people behind that I'd like to come with me...but they can't. And I'm sad.

I have been thinking about my last session. Even though it was really hard for me, the care and love and compassion I saw from you was more intense than any other session. You really get my pain. I love how you rub my arm after we hug. I love you. Thank you.

Grateful for 2nd T to offload. Got offered a cancellation. Have one for each week till 1st T gets back mid February. 9 weeks without him feels like forever.

I'm sad and a little bit scared that I won't have my normal Monday appointment this next week. I know you're just going to a training and I'll see you Thursday instead, but the extra 3 days of waiting worries me. I'm glad you told me that you were going to be away and might not be able to respond to e-mails or texts as quickly as normal. That puts my mind at ease a little bit. Thank you for being you. I will miss you. But I know I'll be ok. I trust that you are going to come back and I will see you again in a week.

Dear T,

I like you a lot. I fell off my sobriety wagon again and am feeling very drunky sloppy fond of you. I’m also feeling very forthcoming in my inebriation, and so will post online what I would leave on your message machine if I were drunk enough to call. You know, for posterity.

I don’t know how to say this without being rude. Nobody deserves to be reduced to their demographic. You don’t want to be told that your masculinity makes you threatening any more than I want to be told that my femininity makes me incompetent. It’s not right, damn it.

But there’s some **** I just can’t talk to you about.

Yes, you know about the CSA and you were wonderful about it. But I haven’t dug that **** up from its grave just to see if the corpse still stinks. I know it does. I bring it up because there’s this thing that bothers me. You see, I’m just not able to go to the vagina doctor and have my junk examined.

See, I’m so unable to do it I can’t even Talk about it without using 12-year-old boy parlance. Watch me call the speculum a “duck clamp.” There. I did it. It’s a duck clamp.

It’s not that I have any desire or need to make a date with the duck clamp. It’s just that I’m so bloody terrified of the thing I’ve been using condoms and only condoms for four years.

FOUR. YEARS.

I want a better form of birth control. I need a better form of birth control. I just haven’t been to the doctor about it because I don’t even want to have the duck clamp conversation. Even thinking about it fills me with nervous revulsion.

So this is a problem.

But how can I talk to you about it? How in the bloody hell am I going to talk to a dude about the ****ing gynecologist?

How the hell am I going to talk to a woman about it? Not when the only response I’ve ever gotten is “Welcome to womanhood. Get over it.”

I know, I know. This is why I’m not supposed to drink. I just start re-contaminating myself with familiar phobias and negative emotions. And then the med-reaction gets all timey-wimey and I start feeling like Paul Ryan is looking pointedly at me over C-SPAN.

Good God. Tomorrow is going to be fun.

PS: I mean, is it so wrong of me to feel like I've had enough "playing doctor" to last a lifetime?

Dear T
Thanks for saying you're on my side.
But I can't imagine that that's a very pleasant place to be...

T

How dare you?!

Dear T

I'm still bewildered from that bombshell you dropped on me a few hours ago. Pregnant again. That's great for you and I'm happy for you that it's another girl.
But this means I'll only see you for 2,5 months. That are maybe 9 sessions? And then I won't see you for at least 4 months. If I'll ever see you again. We would talk next week about what I want with therapy.
I'm feeling so lonely.
Another new T. Until I got you as a T, I hated T's. I had no trust in T's. I thought all T's are useless and selfish. But you're not like my previous T's. I don't really want a new T. But there isn't another option.

I also don't want to be without you. I don't see you as anything other than my T and I want you to be my T, only a T. I don't want to be friends or something.
I just don't want to miss you yet. I think it's going to be harder than I thought it would be. But then, I thought I would say goodbye to you when I was ready.

Dear T, I wanted to hug you but couldn't because I didn't just want a hug. I wanted to squeeze hard. I do that sometimes with friends and it can be a bit too much. I didn't want to embarrass myself.
Plus you're so damn thin and you feel so fragile I'm always afraid I'll break something.

T: how dare u ask if I could trust u when u don't even trust me.

T,

I'm going through all sort of emotions. First it was mostly sadness and anxiety. It's still that, but now there's also some anger. But sadness still has the upperhand.

I'm googling 'my T is pregnant' and it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels about this like me. I acted just happy when you told me. I'm happy for you. Another girl, how wonderful. But right after I panicked. I felt so sad.

And tonight I've actually cried. I've no idea how I'm going to go through months without seeing you. I'll be all my myself again.
But then I also felt some anger. Mostly about therapist in general. I detested therapists before I met you. And now. How can you do this! How can any T do this. Seriously, are you all so stupid. Why be a T when you know you're going to be pregnant and leave them for some time. Do you know how mean/selfish that is. All T are just useless and stupid. I hate T's. I never want to see one again. You T's do more wrong than good. **** you all!

You knew you would be going on leave soon when I told you that I think I can be without you when I don't need therapy again, but that I don't want to be without you while I still need therapy. Because you've been the only T I've trusted and who was able to help me.
That was last month. And you ****ing knew that this, you leaving me while I still need therapy, would going to happen in a few months.

I like you, but right now I ****ing hate you!

I just want to go to next session and yell ''**** you. Go be happy with your baby. I don't want therapy from you ever again. **** all T's!''
I don't want to see another T again. Never! I hate them!



(I'm a real mess right now)

Dear T,
So is that a no to hugs? Before you went on vacation I asked at the end of a session if I could hug you. I said it really quietly, so when you didn't respond, I thought you just didn't hear me. But now that I've said it again in the letter, and you didn't hug me yesterday, is that because you don't do hugs? Or did you forget I wanted them or something? I always imagined that if I got the guts to ask, you would be okay with hugging. You just seemed like the kind of therapist that would hug clients. But was I wrong? Will you not hug me? Do you hug other clients, and it's just not me? Or do you not do it at all? I'm really disappointed by this. I'll have to ask more clearly and talk about it on Monday I guess. Please just let me be overthinking things. Tell me you didn't hear me that one time before you left, and that you forgot it was in the letter. Hug me!!

Are you dwelling? Im dwelling. I really hope you don't feel bad - That so wasn't my intention.

T,

Some sessions ago we talked about my jealousy. You said/asked if I was still a bit afraid to lose you. And I was/am.
And now I'll lose you in a few months. And you already knew. You knew when you asked me that.
And then you told me this at the end of the session, when it was time to leave. No time to talk about it. Just for the start of the weekend. It won't bother you. No, you all happy and everything. But me, I'm a crying, anxious, angry mess. And I've no one to talk to.

Thank you for caring about me like we are family or close friends. I know we're not these and I don't desire for those things, but I'm so grateful that you care and make time for me. That has been very healing for me on its own.

T,

I remembered another thing. A few months ago I noticed you had a little belly. I immediately worried that you were pregnant again. I even wrote it here in the dear T topic. But then I thought it was because you just had lunch. And slim/skinny woman can also have a small belly. And I thought you wouldn't get pregnant at this time, because the website of the agency mentioned that you'll be starting a study to become a **-therapist. You would start that this year. So because of that I didn't think you would be pregnant this year.
But my first thought/instinct was right.

Was it planned? If so, when did you and your boyfriend decide to try for another one. Did you knew when you took me on as a client again?

T,
I shall see you in about 14 hours. I find it interesting that at the end of last session, you said you were hoping i'd send you a "thrashing" e-mail the week before after you completely ran over your last client, and I left. I told her that I would never do that, and I'd prefer it to be over and done with. Just the thought about talking about how I felt (angry and hurt, as you said I probably felt), makes me extremely anxious. Its fine. It was a mistake, and you came out extremely promptly last week!

I just hate talking about things and real feelings dealing with you, ok?

Chère T

Il est difficile de vous avoir bouleversée à elle, quand elle est à l'intérieur de moi. Je sais que vous n'êtes pas en colère contre moi que vous êtes en colère contre elle, mais comme elle est en moi, je pense que vous êtes en colère contre moi. Je voudrais que vous me serrer et me dire que vous n'êtes pas en colère contre moi que vous aimez encore moi.

La fille dans votre cœur...

T,

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling so sad, anxious, hopeless, lonely, tired. I'm mad that you told me this huge news at the end of the session. Now I've no one to talk to about this. I'm here all alone, feeling like ****. And you're at home, happy, with your boyfriend and cute daughter. You don't worry about your work, your clients, me. And I'm just here. Lying in bed. Can't get out of bed. Don't see the point of going out of bed. I feel terrible. I'm all alone. Everybody leaves me in the end. What's the point? Everything is worthless.
I hate you.

I feel the same. My T wasn't honest with me and I don't know why??? He just left me to suffer for years and didn't give a hoot.