Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

I'm back at the point where I am obsessively thinking about you all the time and finding myself on this forum...Not sure if I can wait another 6 days to talk to you again...

See you first thing Monday morning.

I miss being around you. You make me feel so safe and cared about and empowered. How could someone not miss someone who makes them feel like that? I love you T. Probably more than you will ever know. I cherish every minute I am with you and I have internalized your presence so I can always feel it but nothing is better than being in person with you.

Don't. Just, don't.

Okay?!

Gahhh... I'm sorta nervous that we're going to have bad road conditions and I won't be able to make it to my appointment on Thursday. I've been so patiently waiting for this appointment while you are at your training, and now it may have to wait til next Monday. I'm trying not to panic, but I just miss you. I don't want a phone session. I hate talking on the phone to anyone, and part of the experience of therapy is being there in the room with you. I just want to sit curled up in my chair with my favorite koosh ball and talk for my 50 minutes, then get a hug and reassurance that you're not going anywhere and you'll see me next week.

Dear t,
I'm in the deep dark hole again. I don't want to go inpatient but I might need to

Has it been two weeks already? I'll see you tomorrow. Well, today actually. We have to talk about what we didn't have time to talk about last time. You know, the stuff
I wrote about and you think I can read out loud instead of having you read it? You said you wouldn't push me too far, you wouldn't make me do anything you don't think I'm ready for.

I don't feel ready for this.

I am upset and angry with myself . I feel so stupid.

Dear T,

When you told me I might be on the spectrum, my first reaction was excitement- we might have a diagnosis. But in my heart I did not believe it. Yet, I felt I had a small understanding of where you were coming from...given the topics we have discussed.

Today i think a spectrum diagnosis is a possibility. It's something.

I have been replaying my problematic past behaviors in my head. In the moment of a behavior, I am clueless....I can't even reach into a bag to find a clue. I think I'm reacting normally/reasonably. But, if I experience a rejection/criticism, I learn not to repeat that behavior. PrevT has said- I learn what people expect of me and I try to behave that way...it's because my regular reactions don't work well for me.

This is part of my social phobia- I don't trust my honest reactions. I am afraid of a rejection/criticism, so I stay by myself...or with children.

My upset about stuffed animals in therapy is connected to this. I first brought in a stress ball to ease my stress in therapy. Next, I thought about buying a throw pillow....but I brought in a stuffed animal so I wouldn't spend money on a pillow. Seems logical. But I realized the stuffed animals (maybe odd by themselves) have relaxed me enough that I have been unguarded in therapy.

My little child self has chatted happily or cried unhappily about this or that.....and I was unaware.
Omg.

I don't mean I am dissociating, but it is embarrassing just like that.
Omg, I'm still unhappy about it.

I can look back now....and I see myself...and I am mortified. Why can't I see myself right in the middle of my odd behaviors? I'm oblivious!

I mean, I guess, one would want to show our authentic self to our therapist, right? But I was unaware. Now, looking back, I see it.

I'm still mad at myself about being unguarded.
You didn't trick me, I did it to myself.

My sister emailed.



I am spending tonight not phoning you.

Dear uni therapist,

The way I feel about you makes me feel so small and stupid. Sometimes I actually wish that you could take me home with you. I want to be your girl. I just wish I could feel loved and accepted all the time the way I feel with you, and for it to be real instead of existing in some sort of bubble. If you really love me like you say you do, why do you have to leave me when I finish university?

Yeah. Small and stupid. That's how I feel.

Did you notice it's the second week in a row that I've only brought up that particular topic as I'm getting my coat on to leave? It's not consciously deliberate, but I bet I'm avoiding it on some level. I'll bring it up earlier next week.

Today was so hard. I don't know how you can stand to be in the same room, let alone look at me when I give you details about the abuse. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting.

To love all is to love none? That makes a certain kind of sense.

Haha, I feel like it does! If you look at love like a currency, an endless supply of it sort of makes it seem worthless? I know love isn't the same as a currency, obviously. My therapist's love isn't worthless, but it certainly seems to be worth less if she tells everyone that she loves them. I'm probably being a brat, though! But it doesn't sit right with me at all.

Dear T,
I just want to sit with you and cuddle and have you hold me. I doubt this would be okay, but I want it so bad.

T, why the hell am i so effing sad because we'll miss our session due to a ridiuclous amount of snow coming our way?

I need to see you now. but i want to resist until february! it's hard though, i'm grieving for the loss of a close person yesterday and now I really would want to run to your office and tell you all about my guides dying one after another and ask you once again if you will leave too, andn i'll be happy to pay the fine for asking again. i just need to have it repeated and to feel better and safer.

Dear T,

..............

I have a feeling I am going to cry in my session tomorrow. It is causing me so much anxiety. I know you are safe and will be there for me but its just so vulnerable.

Dear t
I'm pretty sure I need inpatient. Please help me.
Make the decision for me

Dear T,

I don't know why exactly, but your initial response to my earlier text is sort of upsetting. I forgot to tell you who I was when I sent it, which I have done the few times I've texted in the past, but it stung a bit when you replied 'who is this?' I realized that I didn't say in my initial text, but I guess I thought you might have my name or initials or something saved in your contacts. I know it would be totally reasonable for you to not keep it there for confidentiality reasons, but it still made me feel a little less important than I thought I was. I know that's irrational and that you meant nothing by it, but now I'm struggling with whether it's even really worth bringing up. Guess I'll see how much it's on my mind at my session tomorrow.

Imagine if they saved the numbers of all their patients!

Both of my therapists have my number saved on their phones. Seems only practical to me as they sometimes need to get in touch with me about scheduling etc. I think I would find it odd if I ever received a text from them asking who I was in response to something I sent them. They don't have THAT many clients.

T,
I'm in your waiting area. See u soon...
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Meeee

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

That's not a waiting area. Where are the crying babies? The public health posters about chlamydia? Does it at least smell like that orange powder they use when someone pukes?

Just kidding. Hope you have a good session, DNA