Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

You should know how beautiful you are.

Dear Pdoc

Your laugh It's so beautiful. You're so handsome when you laugh. I like it so much. I want to see it again. Your smile is also so beautiful. When I think about it, I have to smile.

Do you know what a handsome, cute, sweet, nice, attractive guy you are?

Sometimes when I'm really stressed out and self loathing, I imagine what it would be like if you were in love with me. I suppose imagining that someone like you would feel that way about me is just a quick fix, but it gets me through the darker moments.

Thank you for proving it to me. Nothing lasts. Nothing.

T, you really helped me a week and a half ago with my intense transference towards this other person. I thought I finally had it under control. Not gone, but under control.

But today she innocently said something to me that felt like a punch in the stomach. The emotions are so intense I want to throw up. I just want to get away from her and protect myself from her. Why do the emotions have to be so intense???? On those occasions when I can see more clearly, I am relatively calm. Then out of nowhere something will happen and I'm back in the same bad place. I guess I'm not better. I feel hopeless that I will never be better. I really think letting go of the transference will only be possible by letting go of the friendship. And how can I do that when we see each other constantly??? I have no way out.

Thank you for the help you gave me. I was so grateful to you. I wish I didn't have to wait another week and a half to see you. On the other hand, I am scared about what you will say.

I wish I could open my head and show you what I'm thinking. I can't communicate. I suck at communicating. It is becoming the most frustrating thing in the world. I have so much fear surrounding our relationship--I'm telling you too much and being too vulnerable and now I want to run.

I hate this part of therapy...The lay-on-the-couch-mindlessly-watch-TV-and-ugly-cry-after-session part of therapy.

t,

your texts when im at work make me laugh...

me

LIAR!! That is all you are. A rotten miserable liar. Whoever believes your rubbish is just a gossip lover. I have no use or respect for anything you say.

You've somehow managed to convince my neighbors to lie to me as well. Even family members are lying to me. You call that "therapy"??? Have you lost your mind?? How would you like it if your people LIED TO YOU!!!

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT???? MAYBE YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH WITH A GOD COMPLEX. SHOULD WE ADVERTISE IT?? Your clients have a right to know don't you think??

Thank you for your phone call today. I always love hearing from you and hearing your voice. Its so beautiful. I am glad we worked out our small misunderstanding. I hope you know you are the best there is out there. I am so lucky to know you.

dear t well you-know-who is pushing me to have way fewer sessions again. why can't he understand that it's not up to him? my therapy is between you and me, and he does not get a say. yes it is true that i was already thinking about lengthening the time between sessions moving towards ending before he even brought it up today, but i don't care - it's not his decision!!! 15 and I are both stomping our foot at this. Before he even said anything I was planning on coming 12/3 like we already scheduled, and then 2 weeks after that, and then since Christmas eve is 2 weeks after that, it would be a good time to go 3 weeks and see how that works. He's still mad that I came weekly for what 7 or 8 weeks in a row? Tough toenails. I did some really good work during that time. Even he says he can see the results. So I don't know what his problem is. Everything is not about money. He totally guilted me into going back to the midwest for thanksgiving even though I don't want to - I still don't want to but I am going out of duty. He does not understand at ALL the screwed up dynamics of my family and how it's going to affect me having to be among them, even for only 2.5 days, and that I am going to need to see you soon after we get back home to get my equilibrium back. Hopefully the wine I am planning to start drinking on the plane will help and I won't have to text you while we are there. I'm glad to know that you will be only a text or phone call away. I won't bother you on the holiday, we'll be flying most of that day anyway. But I can't promise I won't on Friday..... thank the Goddess we got a hotel and I won't have to spend either of the nights in the same house as my mother. I think I need to get off the computer now and shower and go to bed. goodnight my sweet ninja t. You've said you sometimes 'hear' my psyche. I wonder if you are hearing it tonight?

T,

You have the love of friends and family. I don't.

Darling T,

I wish I could be with your family for Thanksgiving instead of my own.

EM

It was nice when I said "I think we both enjoy working with each other" and you said "yeah, I look forward to seeing you". That's nice to know.

[STOMP] I do not want to go to my brother's tomorrow. Why am I going? Why did I let my h guilt me into it? Why doesn't he understand that spending even 2.5 days with my dysfunctional family is going to make me need MORE therapy, not less??! Aren't you glad I'm posing these questions here instead of to you? Do I ask too many questions?!

Why can't I stop thinking about you?!?!?!

Dear T

I wish you'd reply to my text.

T,

I can't stop thinking about you. I want to spend thanksgiving with you and skip going over to my family's. I just really want to be with you. My heart breaks.

t,

eating thanksgiving with my family tonight. first holidays without my grandma. its gonna be weird T...

me

I feel like I made you work hard today. I'm sorry - I don't want you to think I'm not trying, but sometimes t is so hard and I struggle to talk.

Oh T sorry, I really wasn't annoyed at you.. after all you've done! I was just exasperated at work and you happened to write me in that moment.. please I hope you really didn't mind like you wrote. Thanks for understanding and being so stubborn to stand by.

actually given all the t-horror stories that I read or hear from friends and all the things I put you through I think you're one the most stubborn T's - and even people ever - I know. You are Ambra-proof, we need patent for this.

I wish I could get ahold of you. Silly to think I could as you're probably spending time with your family for thanksgiving. But I'm not doing well and I still have to be around my family all day tomorrow, too. By the time I see you next week, I'll be fine. I wish I could talk to you now, when I'm not fine.

(But I also hate feeling like I need you.)

Sometimes you do things that really amaze me.

hey t, i hope you enjoy your thanksgiving. i'm working on my attitude so i can look for only the good in my family when i see them later today. thanks in advance for not getting aggravated that i sent that email the other day so soon after the previous one, i needed to work out my feelings for you, and that's what that email allowed me to do.

t,

ummm i love you

me