[rainbow8]

After my last session I emailed my T about feeling less connected to her lately because I KNOW she's going to shut me out somehow and I'll be devastated. She said we'd talk about it in my session, which is tomorrow.

I'm not sure what's going on with me. Maybe it has to do with losing my H, and all the changes in my life. Or maybe not. T is SO nice, and acts so friendly ( she always has) that I think I'm going to get hurt. Not deliberately, but because she's my T, not my friend. She's giving me unconditional love, and I soak it up. I can't help but love her! I'm afraid I will lose her so I have to push her away. Something will come up in her family like her divorce did, and she won't tell me. I'm suddenly depressed about that.

I think this feeling came up because of her art show. I got a glimpse of a part of T who I don't know. I felt I was trespassing though she didn't mind. Her paintings triggered me because I don't understand them. Who is my T anyway?

Our relationship has felt normal for a long time now, as compared to how I used to feel attracted to her. It seems like she's family or a close friend but it's basically one-sided of course. I almost wish she weren't so nice to me, and wouldn't act like she loves me (therapy love) because I'm going to be hurt.

I'm not thinking of ending therapy and she has reassured me she's not moving out of town. I'm actually learning how to be independent, and have activities and friends. I don't need my T, but I want to tell her everything because she's my cheerleader! No one in my life ever loved me unconditionally, not my Mom nor my husband. I have been letting myself love her back, but, like I said before, I'm afraid something will change and I will feel shut out by her. If she would die, I would feel like another death in my family. I'm scared to love her, and to talk about this tomorrow.

You're projecting and not using what you have in the here and now to fill safe with.
Yes, everyone leaves eventually. But that doesn't take what you had when they were around. Projecting isn't based in reality. So it cuts you if what your feelings and with that, you are detached from the real. The here and now. That T is still around.
I'm not sure loving T is the aim. But having experience of being 'held /respected is the final outcome

[rainbow8]

Thanks. Mouse. My T will probably suggest I stay in the here and now too. But that means accepting her warmth, her caring, her casualness, her love for me. Loving her back IS a goal for me. I've never been good at showing or telling others my feelings for them. Therapy has changed that. I don't know why I suddenly feel so afraid! T never rejects me, and answers questions about herself when I ask. She answers all my emails with one short one each week, and reassured me she won't change that now that I'm satisfied with that arrangement. She writes "love T" on her emails all of the time. We hug every session.

Interestingly, I haven't asked to hold her hand for a few weeks now. I haven't needed to. I know she's there for me without holding hands.

Everything is good, except for my feelings about her artwork! We talk about art a lot because I show her what I'm working on, or email her a photo. She's my biggest fan!

Maybe it's because I AM her job, even though I know I'm more than that. Would she be so caring and nice if she weren't my T? It's hard to know because she IS a genuinely nice person. I know from when I used to read comments on her FB. I'm thinking about this way too much. Maybe I just miss the intensity of therapy. She's not leading it lately. I just talk, and talk, and talk.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( rainbow8 ))))))))))

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks. Mouse. My T will probably suggest I stay in the here and now too. But that means accepting her warmth, her caring, her casualness, her love for me. Loving her back IS a goal for me. I've never been good at showing or telling others my feelings for them. Therapy has changed that. I don't know why I suddenly feel so afraid! T never rejects me, and answers questions about herself when I ask. She answers all my emails with one short one each week, and reassured me she won't change that now that I'm satisfied with that arrangement. She writes "love T" on her emails all of the time. We hug every session.

Interestingly, I haven't asked to hold her hand for a few weeks now. I haven't needed to. I know she's there for me without holding hands.

Everything is good, except for my feelings about her artwork! We talk about art a lot because I show her what I'm working on, or email her a photo. She's my biggest fan!

Maybe it's because I AM her job, even though I know I'm more than that. Would she be so caring and nice if she weren't my T? It's hard to know because she IS a genuinely nice person. I know from when I used to read comments on her FB. I'm thinking about this way too much. Maybe I just miss the intensity of therapy. She's not leading it lately. I just talk, and talk, and talk.

I think such gaps between sessions isn't helping.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think such gaps between sessions isn't helping.

What do you mean? I've been seeing her weekly.

[JaneTennison1]

You are scared to love her and want out, but it's too late. You DO love her for everything you can have from T and everything she can provide. I know thinking of loss feels overwhelming and huge especially given your H passing away but you are not being asked to tackle it now. Future Rainbow will have to contend with and I don't know how independent she will be, how prepared she will be. You are not the same person you were a year a go and nor are you the same person you will be a year from now. Try not to panic over future potential problems. You have a good thing and you don't have to push it away. You deserve to enjoy the good thing. Don't sabotage it.

Love isn't a choice and you already love her, you may as well embrace it an enjoy it.

[Ellahmae]

Rainbow - I feel we have very similar T's. Down to a T (no pun intended, well maybe ). I have been trying to figure out how to reply to this but all I can think to say - is I feel the same. Different circumstances but I go through huge up's and down's of "she's genuine" "she's just pretending to help" etc. Right now I'm in a "pretending" phase. I have to learn to try and accept her for what she says. Allow her to be what she is to me, "in my now". The being in the "now" and trying to get my brain to stop forward/over thinking seems impossible but she does really care, and her actions for you have showed that, at least what I have read of your story anyway.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

You are scared to love her and want out, but it's too late. You DO love her for everything you can have from T and everything she can provide. I know thinking of loss feels overwhelming and huge especially given your H passing away but you are not being asked to tackle it now. Future Rainbow will have to contend with and I don't know how independent she will be, how prepared she will be. You are not the same person you were a year a go and nor are you the same person you will be a year from now. Try not to panic over future potential problems. You have a good thing and you don't have to push it away. You deserve to enjoy the good thing. Don't sabotage it.

Love isn't a choice and you already love her, you may as well embrace it an enjoy it.

Jane - Thank you for this. Seriously. Thank you, I really needed to read that right now.

[AllHeart]

If you aren't used to receiving unconditional love and genuine care then it is very hard to learn how to accept it. It's like learning anything else -- takes time, practice, and patience.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

If you aren't used to receiving unconditional love and genuine care then it is very hard to learn how to accept it. It's like learning anything else -- takes time, practice, and patience.

This! Because I struggle with this, too, both regarding T & marriage counselor and my husband.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

(((((((((( rainbow8 ))))))))))

. Thanks, Fuzzy! Hugs to you too!

Jane, I accidentally typed over some of your words so deleted your response. It was wonderful!! Thank you very much. I can't change my feelings for my T. Correct. I do love her and that's scary. She said yesterday that my reactions are from the past, but I don't know why I'm so afraid of loss. I just am.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

Rainbow - I feel we have very similar T's. Down to a T (no pun intended, well maybe ). I have been trying to figure out how to reply to this but all I can think to say - is I feel the same. Different circumstances but I go through huge up's and down's of "she's genuine" "she's just pretending to help" etc. Right now I'm in a "pretending" phase. I have to learn to try and accept her for what she says. Allow her to be what she is to me, "in my now". The being in the "now" and trying to get my brain to stop forward/over thinking seems impossible but she does really care, and her actions for you have showed that, at least what I have read of your story anyway.

Thank you Ellahmae. It's hard. I over think all the time too! I'm glad Jane's reply helped you. I had trouble in yesterday's session too, not connecting, afraid of loving and losing my T. I said "you're too nice to me." so she asked if I wanted her to be mean to me! No! She says I'm grieving, and will have ups and downs.

Jane - Thank you for this. Seriously. Thank you, I really needed to read that right now.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

If you aren't used to receiving unconditional love and genuine care then it is very hard to learn how to accept it. It's like learning anything else -- takes time, practice, and patience.

Thank you. True!

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

This! Because I struggle with this, too, both regarding T & marriage counselor and my husband.

At least I'm not alone...

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

You are scared to love her and want out, but it's too late. You DO love her for everything you can have from T and everything she can provide. I know thinking of loss feels overwhelming and huge especially given your H passing away but you are not being asked to tackle it now. Future Rainbow will have to contend with and I don't know how independent she will be, how prepared she will be. You are not the same person you were a year a go and nor are you the same person you will be a year from now. Try not to panic over future potential problems. You have a good thing and you don't have to push it away. You deserve to enjoy the good thing. Don't sabotage it.

Love isn't a choice and you already love her, you may as well embrace it an enjoy it.

This time my phone didn't change your post. My T said the same thing about being a different person now. She say if she does move away in the future, or die, I will be able to get through it. I emailed her after the session that I love her but don't want to. She emailed back already, about letting whatever feelings I have, let them come, and all parts are welcome. She also told me " you are you",and to paint my own way, and that I'm a very talented artist! Nice to read at 7:30 a.m.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

If you aren't used to receiving unconditional love and genuine care then it is very hard to learn how to accept it. It's like learning anything else -- takes time, practice, and patience.

Yes. I had the relationship talk with my t again last week. (we have that talk pretty regularly ) and she said something I thought was pretty profound when I talked about how I love her but I hate it that I love her, she said something like "When your heart breaks open and starts accepting love, it can hurt sometimes too." I thought that was beautiful, in a haunting kind of way.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Yes. I had the relationship talk with my t again last week. (we have that talk pretty regularly ) and she said something I thought was pretty profound when I talked about how I love her but I hate it that I love her, she said something like "When your heart breaks open and starts accepting love, it can hurt sometimes too." I thought that was beautiful, in a haunting kind of way.

I can certainly identify with your feelings. I am embarrassed to love my T, even without the physical feelings I used to have for her. Loving a T can feel like a baby's feelings for its mother, but as adults, we're uncomfortable with those strong feelings. Love is complicated! I like what your T said. Love hurts, sort of.