Difficulty with my next therapy steps

So I've been seeing my psychiatrist/therapist for two years now. And among other things, we've discussed family of origin (rare the therapy that doesn't!) And I feel in general I've reached acceptance/resolution/understanding or somehow closed the loop of needing to discuss various family relationships in therapy.

Except one. My older sister. I've given my psychiatrist a general idea of our history but we've really only begun to discuss it in detail. I have a very black-and-white schema...not so much of the outside world....but of internal thoughts, emotions, relationships. And as much my relationship with an alcoholic father influenced that, I think my relationship with my sister (who had a very different experience with the same alcoholic father) influenced me more.

And now we are finally going to have time to discuss this most influential person in therapy. I feel like there's been a part of me anticipating this time in therapy since the beginning.To discuss, for lack of a better description, this very beautiful soul who was capable of being very ugly to the younger sister who has always adored and helped her. I love my sister, and I resent her. And though this resentment has been a defense mechanism, it is not a sentiment I wish to feel.

And my sister is showing signs of change--true change--that she values me and my own life wishes as an individual rather than an extension of herself and her needs.

And now I'm faltering. That black and white relationship schema in my mind. I'm feeling like I'll be disloyal to go back to therapy and sort through everything....that I'm not a good person if I go and discuss the struggles and problems I went through with her because she has been so great, and is changing

I understand the feelings you have. It will not be disloyal to discuss this in therapy and may be an important phase in both your therapy and your relationship with your sister.

I've not spoken to my brother in over 13yrs.
We were both adopted together by same approve parents, he was my adoptive mothers 'chosen' one.
I had an awful childhood with him and my adoptive mother.
13yrs ago, the last time I saw him. He made an attempt to treat me with respect. Even admitted he knew what was going on between my adoptive mother and I. Said he'd often wondered what life had been like if he'd been me, and not mums 'favorite'. The fact he knew all those years unyet heaped on the torment, was more than I was willing to forgive. I didn't want his respect, his friendship, his 'brotherly' love. I walked away from him. I've not looked back. And this is after working on this stuff in therapy too.
I have no guilt. I'm not responsible for his sudden change of heart. That's bergen him and his whatever.

I also walked away from my brother. He has no empathy , no psychological maturity and no ability to reflect.

I had a horrible relationship with my older sister. She too was the favored one, the golden child. I was the slug, the dull one, the overly emotional one. My sister was killed in a car accident when I was seventeen. We never had the opportunity to renegotiate our relationship, to grow into it and view it from adult eyes. That makes me terribly sad, because as I've grown into my adult body and adult personality, I realize how much I've changed and grown. I have a secure feeling that my relationship with my sister would have changed and grown too, but that doesn't mean that the pain and anguish I felt as the "dull one" in the family didn't need to be unwrapped, examined and discussed with my therapist. At times, I've felt twinges of guilt about talking about these things, but in the end, talking about the jealousies, rage, hurt, intense feelings of worthlessness and intense resentments has been very helpful and healing.

I've learned that I am not betraying my deceased sister nor my parents, we all did the best we could at the time. Sure, there are times that I have to bite my tongue when my elderly mother talks about those times, but I recognize that she views the past differently than me. I'm never going to change her view, but I can honor and begin to understand my view and why it might have had a part in how I became the person I am now. What I felt and experienced as a child was real for me and I recognize that I deserve and honor myself by talking about them. Going back to that time in my life doesn't mean that my feelings for my sister and my parents has to stay stagnant or stuck in the past--it simply means that I get to open the old wounds and see how they influenced and created the person I am today. It means I now get to choose how I move on from here. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I don't think it's disloyal to your sister to discuss her in therapy. That's the safe place to talk about her, rather than discussing her with other family members. Just because she wasn't a good person as a kid doesn't mean she can't change - plenty of kids who are awful an change and can evolve into great adults. You still need to work through your childhood issues however, and that's where therapy comes in. Sometimes things can be worked out with family, sometimes not, that's where therapy comes in. If you come to terms with the past you may be able to engage with your sister based on who you both are now rather than who you were years ago. I see it as a positive step in your relationship, whichever way it ultimately ends up going.

You still carry the previous experiences. Talking through the past in therapy might help you relate more easily in the present. good luck

I also struggle with discussing certain family members, because I feel like I am betraying them. But, I also know it's important to really explore the feelings around said family members in order to make sense of things and heal. Good luck to you!

Very much appreciation on all the thoughts and the understanding that this still warrants therapy discussion.

One of the unusual twists to this situation; when I mentioned our differing relationshiop with our father growing up, well hers was the more difficult one. He is a very intense personality, as is she. I am more--was more--mellow. (hard to say I STILL am with an anxiety disorder!)

So, I was the golden child. I imagine for some people it may be a good role to have, and I don't pretend that I would want to trade places and be the black sheep. However, I can't say that I relished my role either. I instead felt burdened. I was torn between a need to achieve for my parents but to achieve quietly. Because I felt tremendous guilt in succeeding when a loved one was struggling. I saw how much my dad's criticisms hurt her. So yeah, that's kind of how our history went. I am happy to say that they have long since worked through their struggles....so though that early relationship likely affects who she is today...the relationship they have now is a good one.

Again, thanks again for your thoughts. Usually my journal is enough to help me compose my thoughts and prepare for what I need during a therapy session, but this time I needed more.

Wow Jay, how very sad for you and your family to not have had the time to have reconciled those earlier hurts. And I've even thought about that to....were I to suddenly lose her in that manner...that would be very difficult and confusing to process emotionally. It sounds like it can be done as you have to your degree. But certainly a testament to the fact that the relationship is still a warranted topic of discussion.

And I am coming to understand the concept of doing the best they could at the time. I know my father grew up in a very cold environment. His parents experienced the harsh realities of the Great Depression which may have influenced some of his own upbringing. And certainly cold was never a word I'd have used about my house hold! I know he loved us how he was able and in a way he'd never experienced.

I think it's important to consider that favouritism is detrimental to the favoured child as well as the less favoured child(ren). Favored siblings who torment (or alternately torment and protect) their less favoured siblings are behaving according to the template they've been given. This isn't to say that they are blameless but that there is also a lot baggage/damage associated with being the favoured one. Living within a household where one or more of the children are treated poorly doesn't leave anyone with a sense of security.

I definitely don't think it's disloyal or unkind to explore complicated feelings about one's siblings in therapy. The sibling relationship is often the earliest and most important social laboratory through which we learn about others and how to interact with them.

I have a complicated relationship with my siblings too, and they've changed over the years, as have I.

You aren't being disloyal by talking about them in therapy, though I strongly relate to feeling disloyal and "betraying" them. Fact is, those sibling relationships affect us strongly.

Oh, AncientMelody, please don't think that anything that I experience now or waaay back then was unbearable. . . it wasn't. It wasn't unbearable because I managed to live and my family was able to somehow survive with some level of intactness.. . I can not deny that I lived through the turmoil of our family; I managed, in spite of being the one who was unacceptable or the black sheep, to live on, to become successful in my life financially, if not emotionally. .. sad that it couldn't be both. I survived and grew into a successful human being who supported herself physically and mentally. Was it the best possible situation for me? No. . . but it was truly was okay in the end.

Human nature is amazing! I survived and grew from what happened all those years ago. . . we're talking over 40 years ago! Sorry if I didn't make that clear to you in my post. I managed to make the system work and I know how lucky I am because I know without a doubt that many aren't able to make that happen.

I don't remember if you're waaaaay younger than I am. . . .I tend to think that most posters on this site are younger than me so forgive me if I'm wrong. But in any case, if you can work this through with your therapist, really focus on the feelings and childhood perceptions in an honest and straight forward way, I truly think that you will be giving yourself a gift. Opening up to your thoughts and feelings as a youth is important. Those feelings, in my opinion, are the basis of our functioning later in life ... not the sole basis of our personalities, but certainly a bit part. I hope that you and your therapist are able to work this out!