T being too honest... maybe...

Absolutely true!

Thanks for your reply. A lot of people pointed out what maybe my T didn't mean it in a bad way. Then I read your comment and it holds a lot of truth too, but it's different. I think so much has to do with our past, what we learned and how we interpret things.
Of course it can't be true that someone is afraid of everything. Or at least we'd overcome a lot of those fears every single day (if it were true).
I also started to wonder whether my T was actually trying to say that I have an anxiety issue... but I stopped thinking about that. At least.

I understand what you say about superiority and vulnerability. I don't know whether the comment had anything to do with superiority though. My T mentioned she has a lot of fears too, but doesn't always let them stop her. So that made things slightly better. But, yes, if we're already vulnerable and we make ourselves even more vulnerable by admitting we're scared quite often... it can hurt a lot when someone assumes we're 'afraid of everything'.

I wouldn't let a friend say that to me either, but then again... a friend doesn't know my 'issues' the way my T does. So maybe that's why.

I'll try to talk about it. Mentioning the things I do overcome all the time and try to figure out what her intention really was...

I don't find those kind of broad brush indictments of me as a human being constructive--and less so if it's hyperbolic. It's one thing if it's a limited,situational issue I can address --I have toilet paper on my shoe-- vs a general "you're always so sloppy!"

Job hunting is a very specific task which takes organization,perseverance, courage...and stamina. If it were my job to support someone, I think I'd take a calm, confident, encouraging approach, for that would have to be my mindset and what I'd want from an outsider. Job hunting, interviews, new workplaces are anxiety producing for just about anyone.

Mind you, I certainly have my share of PC bonafides, I was a deferential, petrified young woman, afraid of even calling a store over the phone, terrified of bosses, cowed by dominating co-workers. I had constantly to fight my nature to be independent and use my abilities. It's counterproductive for me to visit or dwell on my "issues." I certainly don't want anyone else throwing them in my face. I rather concentrate on the steps to accomplish my goals and keep my eye on the prize.

I totally agree with that last part. My T also always says it's her approach too, to focus on our strengths. Apart from that one remark then probably... ;-)
Actually I've had very bad experiences with looking for a job. It is terribly scary for me to go back into the job hunting, back to the job interviews, etc.
One experience keeps haunting me, where I almost had a job, passed all the tests and then had those people asking me whether I thought I'd manage to change my 'style' to fit in with their company. I was so hurt.
So I'm very sensitive to everything about looking for a job now. And I agree that my T could have used an other approach here instead of pointing out I'm scared about everything. A little bit less generalizing things could have made a huge difference, I guess.

The workplace in general can be a spin cycle, and I was so timid I was treated as low woman on the totem pole long after my skills and responsibilities should have earned me otherwise. I've had some jobs where rejection is a big part of it. My career was notoriously unstable. I also am in an avocation where rejection and harsh criticism are frequent. I won't claim stardom in either, but found progress was possible by persistence and moving forward.

All the best in getting what you seek. No matter a person's background, it's a slog.

A therapist can be honest and wrong at the same time. I prefer that my therapist tells me what she really thinks so that if it's off, we can talk about it; if it's true, then I will sit on it, think about it, and go back to it later when I've had time to digest it. A few times, she's spontaneously said things she regretted, and that have caused hurt or misunderstanding, but I was glad for it because, again, it gave me insight into her perceptions (the same way they do with us) and we could work things out from there. I like those kind of spontaneous utterances and would not want to discourage them.

I want my therapist to be honest, but his/her tone of voice is a big issue for me. My T can say, "Aren't you scared of everything?" in a tone that makes me feel criticized or as though my T is annoyed with me and I'm likely to not listen to them and feel anger or hurt. For me, tone of voice and body language is everything when something like that comes out of T's mouth.

hi elkino,
my therapist does this to me all the time .she sometimes she plays the role of as the " devil's advocate " with me in session when im hurting inside and the ugly truth comes out .I know she meant well and im like in a tizzy when my anxiety level goes up high .







Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs= 75 mgs at night for insomnia when up past 1:00 in the morning

My therapist at university once said, in a half-joking manner, "I'm nothing if not brutally honest."

It's true that she is honest, but she's not brutal. Well, hardly ever, anyway! There was one time, and I had only been seeing her for a few weeks, when she told me that if I continue to abuse myself the way I abuse myself at the moment I will end up trying to kill myself, but I will try and fail and then end up with some kind of permanent damage. She sees that as my end result if I don't stop being so nasty to myself.

Me: "Well, that's grim."
Her: "Isn't it just."

I was a bit disturbed by that, but I was so intrigued by her that I wanted to keep seeing her. I asked her the following session if saying that was some sort of scare tactic, but she told me it was meant as a reality check.

She's not afraid to say what she thinks, and I have learned to love that about her. She's right; I am horrible to myself, and I probably can't live like that forever. Like she pointed out: if anyone else was doing to me what I am doing to myself, it would be a really bad case of emotional abuse. She made me aware of just how much I abuse myself, and I needed to be made aware of it. It was an unpleasant and uncomfortable thing to discover about myself, but most reality checks are, and ultimately I am grateful for her "brutal" honesty.

However, she has told me that she sees me as someone she can "push", because I am strong enough to take it (though she's constantly upset because she feels she has been mean to me, bless her), so she probably doesn't say things like that to everyone. She is an integrative therapist, so she tailors her approach to suit each person she works with. She has hit the nail on the head with me; I have learned so much from her, and I appreciate it immensely.

Very important point.

Hi Elkino,

I want and expect my therapist to be honest in his openness to accept me as I am, without judgement or criticism (and to be honest with himself if he is not able to do that, for whatever reason, as it would be damaging for me to see a therapist who was not accepting/non-judgemental). I would feel very sensitive if my therapist made blunt statements/questions such as this. If this comment hurt you, would you be able to share this with your therapist? Maybe she would reconsider how she phrases such responses to you in future...? I definitely do not feel you are alone in not being able to just let these sorts of comments go. I probably would have heard that comment as a criticism, as in 'Aren't you scared of everything so why make such a fuss about this?' I think what is 'OK' or 'not OK' is down to how you feel in response to how your therapist is with you. If things are hurtful or unhelpful to you then I don't think that is the 'right' approach for a therapist to take, but that's just my opinion! I know some people do say 'the truth hurts' but I do not think that is a helpful attitude to have when working therapeutically with 'damaged', fragile, confused, hurt people.

Phx.

I recognize some things in what you say. I think my T also knows that she can say those things to me, I always act strong enough to not (seem to) care too much about it.
And it's true, the moments she made things tough for me were often the moments where I learned a lot. I also tell her sometimes that I need that kind of approach. I need clear words, I'm pretty bad at guessing what someone wants to say when they don't say it explicitly.
So maybe she was right. But it stays a very general statement. I think I'll bring it up in one of our sessions. Don't know whether she'll still remember having said that, but that's one fear I battled and am not so afraid of anymore.

Btw, looks like you really found a therapist that is very compatible with the way you are. Love to read that you learned a lot, grew a lot.

You should definitely bring it up, I always do that when something is bothering me and it usually leads to interesting/helpful discussions. My therapist is always telling me that she wants me to stand up for myself, and argue back if I think she's wrong, and I think any good therapist should want that, especially one that is as honest as both our therapists seem to be! You have to assume that they lead by example, right?

I'd love to hear what happens if/when you do decide to talk to her about it. I think you could both learn a lot from that conversation. I know I have from similar conversations with my therapist in the past, and she has told me that she learns from me, too.