Should I tell my T I drove past her house?

Oh yes, I'm not suggesting we should all have the same level of comfort. You are free to limit access as you like. But my phone number and address are listed, and anyone who knows my name would find me in about three seconds on the Internet. I have been in a situation where I was cyberstalked for a couple of years, so I am well aware that there are people who want to create difficulties.

I am not suggesting that anyone should feel the way that I do - I'm just pointing out that we don't all feel uncomfortable about the prospect of people driving past our houses. It's just not something that troubles me.

I suppose I'm uncomfortable because I like to compartmentalize the various parts of my life; I function better that way. Students belong in one box, colleagues in another, home in a third. If I were a therapist, I would definitely want clients in a box that I only opened during work hours.

Eta: I'm talking metaphorical boxes of course.

I can see this both ways.

On the side of the client who drives by a therapist's house, they probably feel cut out of the lives of someone close to them and are yearning for some connection.

I don't think the emotional toll therapy takes on the client is ever really fully expressed. Therapy is *hard*. Especially for people with attachment issues. If you're a client who isn't really that emotionally invested, or whose issues don't revolve around attachment, then yeah, it would seem weird to even have the desire to drive past a therapist's house, but if you're a client who has had a dependency fostered, it's pretty understandable, though probably fairly ill-advised.

It's a neverending irony that people who have emotional problems go through a process which I honestly believe would take even the most emotionally stable person and turn them inside out. For clients whose therapist is one of the closest people to them in the world, having the therapist not actually be part of their lives (or rather, not being able to be part of their therapist's life) is both strange and painful. I'm not at all surprised that people would indulge in all kinds of weirdness to try to assuage that pain.

I think a therapist probably has some responsibility to realize when they're deliberately fostering a connection which will be painful to a client. I think a therapist should realize when a client is starting to go down a path which maybe starts with driving by once in a while and ends up with the therapist finding the client sitting in their breakfast nook eating cereal one morning. (Which I am not saying anyone here would do, but I bet it has happened.)

On the side of the therapist, if I were one, no, I wouldn't be super pleased to have clients driving by my house if they had the intention of breaching the boundaries of therapy, but then again, I wouldn't be a therapist because I don't think it's very fair to take people with emotional issues, foster dependency, and then punish them when they act it out. I think therapy itself, while often helpful, is also flawed. And I think clients bear the brunt of the flaws.

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where if the therapist does flip out and impose emotional sanctions or terminate therapy entirely, then they will appear in the eyes of the world to have behaved rationally, after all who wants a stalker? And some therapists probably do frame finding their adress and driving by their house a form of stalking. If they've been stalked before, they're probably going to come down very hard on that kind of behavior.

Ultimately, I don't think the urge to drive by a therapist's house is simple curiosity in most cases. (Unless you happen to be the sort of person who also drives by your dentist's house and your carpenter's house, etc, etc.) I think it's a sign that the client is feeling shut out and is trying to feel some kind of comfort and closeness. And I think that behavior probably exists on a spectrum ranging from completely benign and harmless to potentially dangerous.

Yeah, I would definitely feel a bit uneasy if someone who I didn't know super well went out of their way to see my house. I think that's part of the reason I feel bad that I did that to see my T's. Plus, since her house is in a neighborhood, it's not like I was just driving on a regular road. I feel like that would be a lot more okay for some reason.

I had never heard the second part before! I like it. Thanks for sharing it!

Driving past is one thing. What about driving in front of someone's house, stopping, and sitting in the car watching the house with a pair of binoculars for several hours? Mind you, they're on a public street. I wonder if people's feelings about it would change in this scenario.

That would be rather creepy in my opinion. I understand the desire to do it, but actually doing it would be another thing.

I would close my shades and go on with my life. My neighbors watch each other. The neighborhood has used cameras to try and catch drug houses.

If I found out my T was driving by my house (it wouldn't happen) I would feel as though she broke boundaries and I would not feel as safe with her. I think its the same when the client drives by the T's house. Just my opinion.

It wouldn't bother me if the therapist drove past my house - I would think she was crazier than I already do, but I would not feel violated or anything.
I don't think the woman remembers my name from week to week - I can't imagine her being able to remember my home address in order to drive by.

This is not moral position to be voted on. It's a mental health issue to be resolved and explored

If the tables were turned, I wouldn't care if my T drove by my house. Although everyone and their dog drives by my house, since I live on a very busy county highway. I'm used to gawkers. Honestly, I think if my T drove by my house, I would appreciate that she cared enough to be interested in where I lived/what it looked like.

I'm with stopdog on this, I wouldn't care if someone drove by my place. Tons of cars drive by, what's another car going to do? Like others have said, this is a public space.
I wouldn't feel violated or weird about this. And I don't think a therapist should feel it either. If OP is prepared to tell her, then I would hope the therapist wouldn't take it personally or be uncomfortable and would instead explore what it means.

For me, this issue is based on the degree of the invasive behavior. Driving by someone's house because you want to see where the person lives and what their house looks like is pretty tame and non-creepy in my book. I've never felt that curiosity, but I do understand it. I don't think a person has to "report" to their therapist their curiosity unless they feel distress or discomfort about their urge to see where their therapist lives. If he/she is driving by or have uncomfortable urges to drive by on a regular basis, then it's probably time to talk to his/her therapist.

If the person parked outside the house and set up surveillance (cup of coffee, binoculars, ducking down in the seat whenever anyone came out ), I be a bit creeped out. If I had kids and they were coming in and out of the house, I think I'd call the police and have them check the person out. It's a crazy world out there. If the person sat in the car and then got out of their car and came up and approached me whenever I came out of the house or rang the door bell and expected to come in and "chat" (after perhaps doing this once and being told that wasn't appropriate), I would tell them their behavior was waaaaaaay out of line and I'd call the police if they continued to trespass. The sad thing is that on rare occasions, therapists, other professionals and former lovers/friends have been stalked been someone they know and it wasn't just innocent curiosity. It can be deadly in some rare cases. You can't be too careful. But, OP, the kind of stuff you're talking about in your post, doesn't come up to this level of invasion and I really think you get to decide if you want to talk about it with your therapist or not. Either decision is perfectly okay.

If my T drove by my house, I would actually be thrilled. I'd wonder about why she did it, but I'd like it. I totally understand why someone wouldn't like it though.

Part of me I think would be happy she cared enough to check up on me but the other part would be creeped out that she was without telling me. If she was coming to check on me and came into my house and I knew about it then I would be thrilled.

I think if a T doesn't want her clients to drive by her house, she should either say so or not list her address on the internet.

I drove past her house again last night, and also the day before. Is that okay?

I think you might want to start exploring why do you do that. At this point I would address it in therapy because it sounds a bit more than just one time curiosity, it's now a daily thing and I wouldn't take it lightly. I often obsess with things myself. Do you do it for comfort?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think there's a difference between driving past someone's house to get somewhere else (like the grocery store, a job, whatever). Because you don't notice that house. Its's just scenery.
But when you drive past the house with the house as where you want to see that house, that's different. Because objectives are different.

I dont think it's "not okay", just: what do you get out of this? Do you feel better afterwards? Do you feel worse? Do you do it out of anxiety? curiosity? And what is your goal in doing this.
There's no judgment, just wondering WHY you do it.

I'm wondering if your thread and its extensive responses influenced your decision to drive by 2 more times. Do you feel less or more guilty than the first time? Is the need to see your T's house out of your system now? Do you think you'll tell her?

No. The less they know the better.

That's the good point. Talking about it may be pushed op to do it more? Typically when I have a big dilemma, I tell no one as I don't want to be subconsciously influenced.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I, for one, think it's not really okay to drive by a professional colleague's house several times a week for no reason other than to satisfy one's self. I don't think it's "okay" because I think people find their homes to be a private space and a personal space. I think that "driving by" is more like driving "in" toward that person, without that person knowing. It's kind of like a secret, in this way. Doing it over and over again will reinforce it, and perhaps it feels daring, addicting, like you somehow "know" something T doesn't, powerful, etc.

I think you're hoping that someone will tell you plainly: no, it's not okay, stop.

But that you also will argue with whomever says that. "But, it's innocent, really"

If you have to ask, you probably already know.

I think YOU are still okay, and I think you mean no harm.

But, really. You know.

Stop it.


Should you tell T?

If you're prepared to stop and to also deal with the fact that she/he may very well find it kind of invasive (and that they may feel distinctly uncomfortable) as though you've been "spying" - even though you haven't. It's as though you've raised your hand to show that you COULD if you wanted to. Like you're asking for someone to please stop you from doing what you want.

"Wrong" / "right" - whatever. You know something about it makes you worry, otherwise you wouldn't ask the forum.

Your T may or may not have a reaction. How would it feel if she just said "I couldn't care less what you do, where ever you drive, it's not that important to me. Just don't cross the line into stalking."

Would you then feel tempted to see where that line was?


Test away, but it so clearly appears to be a test.