Should I tell my T I drove past her house?

I wouldn't see any need to tell the therapist - it sounds like you were looking for connection, like others have said. Sometimes when I feel a need to feel more connected I might reread some emails from my therapist, or read a bit of from one of the books he's written, or have a look at his public Twitter feed, which he uses professionally. This doesn't come up very often, but it has been comforting on occasion. I think it's natural for some people to feel the need for connection sometimes.

I'd be a little cautious in comparing a one-off drive-by when the therapist isn't home to stalking. I think there's the possibility of layering on a lot of stuff that isn't evidently relevant to the OP's issue.

It sounds like this is causing you a lot of anxiety and guilt. I think you should go with your gut instinct. You know your therapist better than any of us. Try picturing yourself bringing it up in therapy. What do you picture your therapist's reaction to be? What do you want your therapist's reaction to be? Do those two images differ? And if so, will that impact your decision to bring it up or not?

I have never driven by a therapist's house. I have looked on Google Earth though. For me, it felt ok to do but then afterwards, I felt... naughty almost. Like I had invaded her privacy. I never felt the urgent need to address it in therapy. For me, I was curious and with my curiosity satiated, that was that. For me though, I think underneath it all, I did it because it made me feel like t was more human - that she had a house, a family, etc. In therapy, so much is patient focused. It can be easy to forget that the therapist is a person just like us. I think that I was comforted by seeing her house and that was why I didn't feel the need to do it again or bring it up.

I think that a wish to drive past a T's house is really common, a number of people have talked about it on here. Does is come from a wish to be close to your T? Which is heightened as she is out of town and you have a sense of loss that she is not here? Would it help to express those feelings to her ( if you are feeling them?).

Uhm I'd say that MOST stalkers don't start out trying to do harm. They just want to get closer to the object of affection. Which is just what you're doing, trying to feel closer to your therapist. So just stop. If you don't, it could progress, therapy could be terminated, you could get a restraining order slapped against you, etc. Best not to go down that path.

AND it's best for you to learn restraint and proper boundaries.

It's evident that many replies (not all) are from people who have never been stalked.

You could make your therapist feel unsafe in her own home. Sorry, but that's extremely selfish......you getting your needs/wants met while putting her feelings of safety aside. Think about what you're doing. Safety is near the bottom of the pyramid of needs. Nobody else has a right to threaten another's feelings of safety.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but as someone who has never felt safe in this world, I know that feeling safe is very important, something most people take for granted.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You drove past her house. Nothing else happened.
Of course you want to see where she lives, it's natural curiosity.
I don't see the point of telling her, unless you really want to, because she may feel creeped out. She shouldn't in my opinion but that's a possibility.

My therapist practices from home so I see her house all the time, there's no mystery there but once or twice, when I was missing her, I drove past her house. Just to know that she was there (the light was on) was sort of a relief, I was looking for a connection. I didn't feel guilty and never told her.

If my therapist didn't practice from home, you'd bet I would be looking for a way to see her house! I don't know, to me, it's just curiosity mixed with a deep yearning of connection. Nothing to worry about.

Maybe this points to something missing in therapy. Shouldn't therapy be focused on issues and not mainly emotional connection? Shouldn't it be helping a person become autonomous, and effective in their own life? Driving by the therapist's house without their knowing is maybe an attempt to have some kind of control? The OP also stated they think they might do it again. All of this could be discussed with the therapist in a non-judgmental way. Why should something that so obviously is bothering the client be kept secret? I also don't understand why the therapist would be discussing what the interior of her house looks like with a client. I think maybe the recent use of emails and texts may have weakened professional and client privacy. I'm not in therapy now and don't intend to start. As far as actually going out of one's way to drive by someone's house when you have no business being there. That's stalking. It just is.

In order for me to solve my most important life issues I needed to fully learn to trust my therapist, and that processes lead to an emotional connection with her. In times of stress, and loneliness I would drive by my therapist house to touch base, and would definitely feel better. She had no problem with this. She understood my need and helped me to see I was not harming anyone, and helped me understand why I was doing it. It stopped when I felt more safe and secure. She had no problem with any of her clients fulfilling their needs, wants and curiosities as long as they are not hurting themselves or others. Driving by your therapist house is not a slippery slope to becoming no a stalker. "A stalker, I have not turned into."

My concern for you telling or not telling is the emotional turmoils you are in. If it didn't bother you I would venture to say, don't tell. But, it does bother you, and does nothing to move you forward. Therapy for me was dealing with behaviors that bothered me, and I wanted to change for a better quality of life. Do you TRUST your therapist to be there for you, no matter what you tell her?

I know I would be beyond freaked out if I went to therapy and the lady told me she drove/walked by my apartment. I live in a major "square" across from a landmark in a city.. She knows where I live (has my address).. But that would be my reaction. Some would have the opposite or no reaction.

I do not believe human curiosity is a pathology; I just personally do not need to hear about it. If this were the case, I believe the lady knows me well enough not to tell me she was "in the neighborhood." If you do not know for sure what her reaction would be, it may be a disaster for the therapeutic relationship, if you care about it -- as some have mentioned the "emotional connection" (I don't care for this, but I get why a lot of people do).

I am understanding you may feel guilty over this because you are desiring "more" from your therapist that you are not getting, perhaps? Do you feel guilty because this action feels "out of turn" from your usual self? Maybe instead of talking about the actual action, talk with her about the metaphorical action -- Talk about the feelings of needing more connection instead of what you (innocently, I believe), did. You could ask "feeler" questions about her house? Get a gist on what her reaction would be. "Blah blah I was working in my garage and blah blah.. do you have a garage?" I don't think there is really a solid answer on this. You can always discuss being in turmoil over your connection without actually mentioning you did a drive-by if the potential to do so would hurt your relationship. Good luck.

I think it's a natural curiosity, and there's nothing wrong with that. Assuming your T feels the same, I think it would be a very helpful conversation to have with her.

Having done similar with my former T I can tell you that talking about it did decrease some of the intensity and it also helped me feel more comfortable discussing other difficult topics.

I don't see any reason to tell your T. I don't think anything good could come from it.

on the original question.

I still don't think the OP did anything wrong or bad, but I absolutely don't think it is okay to transgress boundaries like this, especially if you're thinking about doing it again. Drive by the office instead.

I'm with atisketatasket on this one. I can't tell you how to feel about this, or what would make you feel better -- so I'm afraid you're going to have to ask yourself what you would gain/lose by keeping it to yourself, and what you would gain/lose by telling your T.

There are things like this (I've never driven by T's house, though) that I tell my T, and things like this that I don't. I couldn't really tell you what separates what I talk to him about and what I keep to myself, other than the things I talk to him about are usually things that start interfering with my ability to concentrate on the therapy. If I think I can just let it go on my own, I usually try to do that -- then I'm not focusing on something I can just let pass, that might cause some friction between us. But if I'm trying to let it go and it's just not working, I talk about it.

So if I were in your place, I'd see how I felt the next time I saw T. If the feeling like I needed to discuss it was so overwhelming that it was messing with my interaction with T, I'd slowly tiptoe toward telling her. If things pretty much went ok, I might try for a while to see if I could just let it go.

But I wouldn't do it again. You know it's going to make you feel crappy. And it's generally better to assume that your T, like many (but not all) people, would prefer that you didn't go out of your way to sneak past her house (like rainbow says, the issue is more that it's a sneaky way to get a glimpse of your T's life -- it's not like you honked your horn and waved as you drove by).

If you think talking about it will help prevent that urge to do it again, I'd say that's an argument favor of bringing it up.

I will say, though, that there's a lot of cognitive dissonance for me in insisting that you did nothing wrong, but also that you shouldn't bring it up. If you want to bring it up, bring it up. If you want to keep it to yourself, keep it to yourself. You don't have to do anything. It's your therapy, you have to decide what's therapeutic and what's not.

If you're worried your T is going to come unhinged about this, I'd say that's a red flag about your T -- in that case, maybe keep it to yourself and meanwhile think about finding a T who better suits your needs.

I think the therapist should be told and there could be a conversation about boundaries.

I once had a therapist who had his office in his home. The way things were set up I had to ring the front doorbell, and then walk through his living room to get to his office. After the session I exited out of a back door in his office.I found this arrangement disturbing. My appointment was late afternoon. There would be cooking smells, and sounds of children playing. I think I should have brought up how it disturbed me walking through his house. I would never do therapy now under such conditions. I would find a therapist who had a separate office. In this case, seeing the therapist's home (walking through it!) did nothing to enhance therapy. I don't remember making very good progress with him, and it ended when I moved to another state. Looking back, I think I should have said something. I wish I would have told him that I felt more comfortable using his outside office door to both arrive and depart. It isn't the same as this situation, but now I think it would be best to bring up driving by the house. The therapist should be more than equipped to handle talking about this situation.

You know, I've followed this thread and I've seen a lot of good responses.

I was wondering if there was anything in this situation like what I've had my dad or my husband or even myself do which is, we realize we're in a part of town and we're like "Oh! Let's see the neighborhood where X lives." Like, we're in the area, let's check out the neighborhood. I've driven by old houses that I've lived in.

Admittedly this is different because there's an emotional thing with your T, but in a rambly convoluted way, I'm trying to see if mentally treating it like that would help the urge to go back. Like "Yeah, I was curious, I was in the area, I grabbed a looksie, I'm good."

I say that because sometimes when we give ourselves a firm "NO!" it makes the urge stronger. I don't think it's necessary to tell T. I don't think a single drive by is going to slip anyone down a slope. I'm just thinking if you can lessen the weight of the experience, it'll help? Like if you can reach a point of saying "Yeah, eh, I did it once. I don't think that was healthy for me. If I get the urge next time, I'll go drive by the office or think about my last session." Then maybe go do something fun and get your mind off it?

I had a spiritual counselor and I would drive by their house. I think I did it the first time out of curiosity. But afterwards I would just reroute how I was driving to go by the house, to check if they were home etc. It was not healthy. Looking back, I now believe that this counselor was at times inappropriate. I had been invited into the house once, and for no important reason. After that I had other spiritual counselors and I never even gave it a thought where they lived. I think when I was getting the kind of counseling I needed professional boundaries were easily maintained. If the urge to drive by the house continues there is something more than curiosity going on.

Do you know why you are driving past? Do you think you could be trying to sabotage the therapy relationship?

I think a lot of us have this urge, and a lot of us have done it. Telling her though does pose some risk. I think my therapist once said the only thing I could do to get him to fire me was come to his house, but he followed that with, and knock on his door.

If you are non-threatening otherwise it might be ok to tell her. But if you are a big tall dude, then maybe not!

Along similar lines, I wonder if it's not so much intentionally sabotaging the relationship, but testing it? Like wondering if your T will still accept you if you admit to driving by her house?

I did some testing of my marriage counselor (not driving by house, but other stuff, like telling him things--I had some transference going on). He said it was OK and that it's like what kids do to their parents (or some people might do in a romantic relationship). Kids will talk back to their parents or say they hate them or something like that because they need to know their parent will love or accept them no matter what. It can be that way with a T, too.

So that would explain your urge to tell her. If it was just curiosity, and you drove by and saw it, then I doubt you'd feel the need to tell her. But you probably want to know that it's OK, that she still accepts you even though you did that. Like maybe you fear abandonment, possibly from stuff that happened in the past with important people in your life? Not sure what to suggest in terms of telling her though...

It's the therapist's job to help you. If you tell her you drove by, I think she'd ask you 'why?' And it would open up a conversation that maybe you'd like to have. I am sure she has heard it before. You can tell from this thread how common this is. Best wishes,

This has been my experience: I did drive by a previous T's house...and I told that T about it.
I don't think she liked it very much but we talked about it.

My current T discussed boundaries with me early-on in our relationship. She told me she has been stalked before and not in a "it helps me feel connected to my T" way.

I haven't driven by her house. I'm not sure I even know where it is...but if I did, I wouldn't tell her.

You don't know what issues your T has...you don't know how she will react.

Nowadays we have google street view. I would use that, instead.

Just my take.

I would not say it's a therapist's job to help you if they feel you've transgressed a personal boundary of theirs that they think is important. And I am not at all sure you can assume that the experience is so common: a handful of posters have said they did what the OP did, another handful have said they wanted to, more have said they have no problem with it...none of this means the therapist has heard it before, or knows how to deal with it.

The OP is in the best position to judge her therapist's possible reaction and her own desires about what she wants to happen if she tells her therapist.

You might want to tell your therapist if it's something that you can't stop doing, or if it troubles you.

My thinking is a bit off from others, and I don't see that as a negative, but I have a question. How does one know they've transgressed a personal boundary of a therapist, unless it is addressed in some form? Of course, this is short of the Ten Commandments, or breaking laws.

I usually just lurk and wasn't going to respond to this thread, but neat to see someone had the same thought I had.

This doesn't seem like a boundary issue at all; at least not yet. It could really benefit you to work through your feelings on this. Do you think it's wanting to be closer like some have said? It would especially be helpful to work through with her if this is one of your primary issues expressing itself. Perhaps it manifests in other ways too.

Trigger warning:

Having been the victim of sexual assault preceded by stalking, I read up on it to better understand what happened to me. It's been years so someone may want to fact check this, but from what I can remember, the profile of a violent stalker is a person who experienced a love rejection followed by a sort of psychotic transference. the stalker's need is to regain control.

End of trigger

This is definitely something you (a client) should be able to bring to your therapist. It is a risk to tell her for reasons others stated, but I also think that if she has a problem with your driving by her house as you stated, that she might not be the best person to handle the issue/s that expresses itself this way. Someone with issues that manifest by these types of behaviors might need someone who can handle this sort of intensity from a client. Otherwise, her fear could ruin the therapy. But it's her job to keep her issues out of your therapy.

JMO...if you do/did it once, I'd just let it go. Natural curiosity. My T has a man-made pond in her back yard, a small garden one with big fish in it, and talks about her gardening sometimes. For that reason, I would love to see what it looks like. Natural curiosity. But even if I knew exactly where T lives, I most likely wouldn't see her back yard anyway from the road.

If you think this is something you'd do again, I'd probably tell her. Because it may need to be processed. Otherwise, I wouldn't. You drove by once. Just leave it at that. You now have a visual of where your T lives. I've not looked, but quite sure my T wouldn't be listed in the phone book. So...if you think this may be a continuous thing, I'd tell him/her, because that could somewhat be stalking. If you did it once and don't plan on doing it again (and it sounds like you feel shameful for doing it the one time), I'd just try to let it go. If I were a T, knowing clients were driving by my house, I would be uncomfortable with it. It could cause an issue in your relationship with your T. I'd just let it go. Unless you can't help yourself and continue to do it, or have the desire to. JMO...

I Google the **** out of anyone i know. That's just me. The T knows everything about me anyway. More about me than I could keep own about them so for me I couldn't care less or tell them.