Boundaries in the therapeutic alliance (so they call it)

BayBrony · Jan 03, 2016, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Yes, completely agree with this.

Mine never talks about them either except to tell me that the hospital doesn't allow email except for confidentiality issues. I know if something came up that *was* an issue, she would bring it up.

My old one never taljed about it until she used it as an excuse to not talk about her actions.

I never worried about them until I read all the posts here on boundaries. My T has never used the word "boundary". She has said things like " if you start calling me every night or something we will have to figure out why " or "I don't usually do x but it depends on.the circumstances".

I already worried about being "too needy" but "boundaries" gave that a name.

I'm still not sure I understand them as some Ts seem to use "boundaries" as a fall back excuse any time they are uncomfortable with things. Even when my T has changed things she never talked about rules or boundaries just what she felt she was or wasn't able to do
But she has never taken anything away . she has changed expectations for responses etc

I definitely worry more about boundaries reading on here though at this point I can't see much of anything I could do.that would cause a big dust up unless I.had some kind of unexpected break down.

PinkFlamingo99 · Jan 03, 2016, 04:05 PM

In a way I almost wish she would talk to me about what's okay in the other direction. I am terrified with every single person of asking for "too much," to the point where I can't even make a phone call sometimes, and even when I desperately need to it's hard to ask for help.

My minister told me I can call her at home/in the evening if I really need someone about 7 years ago and I never have. I sat in the ER completely alone and scared a few months ago and couldn't bring myself to call her even though I desperately needed someone to talk to because it seemed like "too much." I was scared and afraid of being involuntarily admitted. It's hard if you're overly cautious to ask for anything sometimes.

velcro003 · Jan 03, 2016, 07:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think one can both have an apology and still be mad. The feelings of wronged don't immediately and magically dissipate just because of it (they may feel less injured) and I think therapy is a place to tell the therapist how angry or hurt or what it made you. Even if you accept the apology it does not mean one does not get to talk about it -- in my opinion.

I know, though i avoid any sort of confrontation at all costs, which why me leaving was a big deal. I stood there for a few minutes with my jacket on, before i finally left. If she asks me how I feel about it next week, I will say I was upset, but even now I am mostly over it.

Jan 03, 2016, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I think the very fact that so much emphasis is put on boundaries in therapy is both a) indicative of how infantalizing it can be (with the therapist putting in firm rules and explaining them much like you would to a small child) and b) strong evidence for how much power they have.

There's no other relationship where you'd tolerate someone having this many 'boundaries'. In fact, if anyone acted like a therapist did, you'd probably recommend they get therapy! Therapists actually act like prize weirdos most of the time.

I laughed when I read your reply, thanks.

But then I thought--lots of things we do in therapy would seem freakish, unnatural, or just strange. had they occurred outside of therapy (eg, discussing, examining one tiny little thought for 1/2 hour in all it's possible meanings; talking about the meaning of a sexual fantasy or a dream).

Luckily, none of my recent therapists used the word 'boundary' in such discussions, although we recently had a discussion about my need to contact him more often than I should.

But yeah, some of these conversations can sound like a grade school teacher to his 2nd grade class! Actually, I had a boss talk to her staff like how you described. But not my therapists.

In therapy, many things, including interactions of the relationship, are put under a microscope and examined in ways we'd never imagine doing in relationships outside of therapy. I think some may benefit from such discussions. I am not one...we naturally learned each others' boundaries as in non-therapy relationships. They were not 'explicitly' stated. It is more of a learning experience when it happens that way, imo.

Polibeth · Jan 03, 2016, 08:15 PM

I've never had a boundaries discussion with my T. She knows I don't want to be hugged/touched. I have seen her hug the client before me when leaving so I know she does it but I don't want that. I have her email and text but don't often use it (about 2x per year)....and when I do use it I don't expect a therapeutic response. We keep everything we do within the 60 minutes of therapy. It works for us. I realize some clients may need more.

1stepatatime · Jan 03, 2016, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I think the very fact that so much emphasis is put on boundaries in therapy is both a) indicative of how infantalizing it can be (with the therapist putting in firm rules and explaining them much like you would to a small child) and b) strong evidence for how much power they have.

There's no other relationship where you'd tolerate someone having this many 'boundaries'. In fact, if anyone acted like a therapist did, you'd probably recommend they get therapy! Therapists actually act like prize weirdos most of the time.

I think boundaries are mostly there to keep the therapist sane and separate from clients, and have very little to do with the client's well-being. I think some therapists frame the boundaries as if they're for the client, but I think that a disingenuous lie. For example, the reason why your therapist won't answer ten emails a day isn't because it's bad for you. (It might actually be really therapeutic and useful for you.)It's because they don't have time to do that and trying to would drive them insane. If they were up front about that as a logistical reason for not replying, that would be fine. But framing it as being a 'boundary' there for the 'client' is just nonsense.

Yep, yep, yep... Word!!

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Boundaries in the therapeutic alliance (so they call it)

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