Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I really wanted to add sessions today. I can hardly believe you said that would be ok. In fact I am not sure now that you even said that. You have been so steadfast in limiting it to 2/week. I guess I am not sure what to make of it. Parts feel loved and supported. Parts feel like they need to kick in with pleasing you so you don't regret adding a session. Part thinks it's a bad idea. I wanted you to say ok, but now that you did I am not sure what I feel.
But thanks. Thanks for caring for the littles.

Why are you torturing me with these feelings. Its not what i signed up for.

Dear T,

No, You are.

Why won't you just say what I what you to? Why won't you just break down the wall for a few moments and be real again.

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I don't feel safe, now. You should have known how I would react to your week away. I'm afraid we won't get through this...

After all these years, I'm going to have to terminate. I can't face the fact that you are getting old and very forgetful. It's gotten to the point that I no longer feel safe having you as my T. You mean so much to me and I don't want to hurt you. I'd rather go without therapy than continue this.

What was i thinking? you don't like me, not even my own family liked me...

T,

I'm scared. I'm in a full blown quarter life crisis and my GAD is really flaring up. I only have one year once every 2 weeks left with you. I feel so terrified.

Thanks T

Dear T-M

In less than 2 hours is my first preparation class. I'm so nervous. I haven't been to school in years. It will only be 6 classes, but if I pass the exam then I will start college this September.
You said you would help me with the anxiety I have for school. Making sure I will go to my exams is one of the goals we would be working on. But there isn't a we anymore. You left me. You said all those things while you knew you would leave me. Now I have to do this all by myself. Yes I have a new T, but she's so new. She knows so little about me. We're starting at 0. That's so hard during this difficult time. I need someone I feel save with and who I trust and T-S is too new for that.
I don't trust you anymore.

You are due for next week, I think. You will be having that thing somewhere in the next two weeks.

All I can think when you pop up in my head is
I only feel anger for you. It's getting bigger. I hate therapists.

Please acknowledge my email from 48 hours ago. We agreed last session that it was OK to email, and that you would at least write a line or two acknowledging that you hear me. I am just about holding onto the rational thoughts but am also thinking that maybe you changed your mind, maybe I said too much. Time will tell I suppose but if you have got it please can you just say something, anything. Thanks.

Ugh, T. I feel like a gross, needy human being. What right do I have to keep intruding on your life? I am not in crisis, so I just need to shut up and manage the week for myself without having to write you. I feel like a giant a-hole, and I am sorry. See I told you yesterday that I KNOW you will get sick of me, and YET I still wrote you an email after session because I sucked at coping. I hate me so much, T.

Dear T,

When you don't respond to my email, i start to think that you're ignoring me for the sake of ignoring me. Logically, I know this isn't true and most likely you're busy. But that negative voice just tells me that you're sick of me and I'm not worth your time. When will that voice go away?

*life is a beautiful lie*

Thanks for getting back to me and sharing your worry about delayed responses. I think it is easier to sit with the wait than to sit with the thoughts because in time I really believe I will start to know that you are there, though it might get worse before it gets better. Who knows, but thanks so much.

T,

I'm secretly hoping I get this job on campus so I can see you more and not be home. You know how bad my home environment is.

Please be kind today not stern.
I can't do stern today.
I need mom T.
Not T, T.

I'm not going to talk about it. I hope you don't mention it but I know you will.

Thank you for your quick emails when you don't want me to be sitting with bad feelings until our next session. You show your caring so much that I never have to doubt it. Thank you for that.

Thank you for giving copies of my records.

Reading them has really helped me understand what happened and how I got misdiagnosed. I'm surprised that so much was withheld from me all those years ago. There are so many what I call lies. My family history is very inaccurate. In one discharge summary, the resident stated, "The patient's family history is significant for alcohol abuse in her father". She even went further,"The patient also has a history of sexual abuse and physical abuse in the past." Wow. None of this is a part of my history. Perhaps she got me mixed up with another patient or just added that in to justify Axis II: BPD, back when they were using DSM III.

Now, I am starting to really understand and can see cognitive bias at its best.

Just amazing! The nerve...

I swear T, i just can't seem to shut myself up. You send me a reassuring e-mail, so I respond with all my worst fears on what you think of me. Ugh.

T,

You mad?

Me

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Thank you.
Not enough words.
I miss you.

t,

BLUHHHHHHHHHH glad we can talk this evening. mom's surgery is in 2 hours....death fear level MAXED OUT

me

Today when you said "You matter to me", is that the same as "I care about you"?