Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

T,

I got to prepare for leaving you.

You had to be out of your mind (maybe on drugs) when you called her.

You never supported me if you were supporting HER.

How strange it is to me that people who have families, good jobs and a few homes, are still not happy. They are still empty pathetic souls who needed to TAKE FROM MY LIFE to get their jollies. It's like the kids who have everything who are so bored they have to beat up an elderly man for entertainment.

I guess you had fun didn't you??

Dear T,

I was thinking about how much I was once in a shell.

Was thinking about how I spoke to my father, last night. Was thinking about how I don't withdraw inside with others, anymore.

Thank you.

Me

Dear T-M.

Three weeks without you. T-S is alright, but she isn't you. I have to start all over again. You know so much about me. She knows very little. This is very hard for me. I can't just tell her things, I also have to tell her some background with everything.
I haven't shared that I had my last appt with pdoc two weeks ago.
I haven't told her that next week I'm starting a course to prepare me for my economics exam. I'm scared. I haven't been to school in such a long time. You know how terrifying school is/was for me. This is the only exam I'm worried about. If I pass this one, then I can start college in September. And you're not here. You might be just back at work when college starts.

I don't even know if I want you back as a T. I feel abandoned. I'm still angry at you. I feel hurt. I lost some trust in you.

I'm all alone. I have to do everything alone. Why would I even go to therapy? I hate therapist. They cause more hurt than that they help you heal.

I'm unmotivated. I feel hopeless. Lifeless. Pointless.

I really really hate you.

T i think perhaps i projected my anxiety about the tooth on you too in addition to the maternal stuff. For the love of pete.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Dear uni therapist,

I love you.

Whatever is going to happen tomorrow, bring it on. I am ready.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Oh and I love you even if you are mad at me right now.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

I hope you are ok and I am sorry for that email. I love you, you know. I am so blessed to know you.

Dear MC,
That e-mail made me cry...in a good way. I wasn't even expecting a response, and figured if you did respond, you'd just say it was OK to discuss that stuff in session. But for you to confirm that "the caring is real"? That just made me into a puddle.

Therapist #1 - doing the "right thing" is admirable. Doing the right thing in the wrong way can be harmful. Doing the right thing the right way is noble and right, and you didn't manage that. I wish I never met you.

Therapist #2 - I trust you. I KNOW you won't do what she did. You have helped me so much. I am so glad I found you.

Saw you driving yesterday. Singing your heart out....That hurt. I want you to be miserable when I am not with you.

I feel like I am becoming attached to you, and I am scared of that. I am scared of being hurt.

Dear T,
I feel 100000000000 kms away from you today.
You are on vacation.
And I think you hate me because Im so ugly.
I wish you were here.

3 more sleeps until I see you. I appreciated your email but I have been starting to wonder if things were easier with you on the other side of the world. I think I know why though because I just shut the boxes and started getting on with my life of solitude. Not the life I want but the easiest life to live. Why am I so scared of being hurt? You know why, because of the bad bad places it took me to last time. I promised myself I would never go there again but I have come close again since starting this journey. It just confused me so much I end up going round and round in circles until my head is spinning and I can't see how to make it stop unless I just shut everyone and everything out. I think I will discuss this new T with you this week and the reasons I didn't like working with the other one after all. Then I think I won't see you the week after but maybe the week after that for the final session, all being well with new T. I think it is time. I don't want it to end at all but I think I am starting to accept it now and so there seems little point in dragging it out. Hmmm. I am not sure I have any more to say to you really, but then I have everything to say. Is it because there is no point? I just don't want to end this with anything hanging over but I think that it impossible. There will always be things unsaid because of the nature of therapy. Oh well. See you Tuesday.

FM

Thanks for the email of confidence. I did not get to it till after I did my bit. I was surprised you remembered. My presentation went well, great, beautiful... according to others. Once again, I am having a hard time hearing other people'swords, because I have "rehooked " FOO 's treatment of me to my value and worth; I won't bend, continue to meet my needs, and their not driving/taxing to attend. I know I'll be fully back to my new regular base line soon. I am at my place for less than two weeks, and I don't have a particular desire to get together with you before I leave for the summer. It might be that I don't want to dump on you the feelings I'm experiencing from having been less than 1/2-2 hours from some FOO. I could call or go to standby, but I'm not sidelined by it, and I'm moving forward. I'm letting others in. Given my new poverty, I'm letting W. pay for a 3 week vacation, then I'm off to P and N for work. I may make a quick stop back to check on the cage fighter (or let him be), thenmaybe we can meet and catch-up.

I used to send these kinds of emails to you all the time, but never to my other friends, so maybe you are ceasing to be my therapist subconsciously. Also, I did not feel a need or want to contact you before I left or during my trip. These are all good things, even though you would respond, "Why would it matter?"

Thanks again for thinking of me though.

wtr

I'll be there in an hour. If you're mad at me, as I fear, please be professional about it. Please don't say you won't work with me anymore which I also fear. Please be your best estimate t self today, if you can. This is not gonna be easy for me.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

I hate autocorrect! That was please be your bestest the self.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

Agh. Bestest t self.

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

I shouldn't have e-mailed you that, should I? S***.

T,

Thanks for the hug...

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

i have a feeling you will come back and feel good about yoru session with T.

I am feeling a bit freaked out now and doubting myself too. How can I trust my feelings when I'm not used to feeling them?

t,

glad we can talk on the phone on wednesday. its gonna be a hard week next week. i just have to keep telling myself that overall i dont want to do drugs.

there is something i need to tell you but i dont know if i will



im hoping when my roommate gets back i wont do it anymore. having this disorder and keeping it a secret makes it grow an d grow. im not sure if i want to tell you though... i guess if it doesnt stop when she comes home i will. i want help, but i know its ultimately up to me to just ****ing stop doing it. when will i ever grow up

me

Would you be annoyed if I emailed you. Maybe I could ask you how often you are expecting an email. Once a week or several times a day. Probably somewhere in between which would be good for me. How will I ever know if I don't ask. You didn't say. You said you thought this would be different which is why we have a different contract. When you asked if I wanted anything else in there did you honestly expect me to know what to say other than no?