Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I don't know how you and others could do this to me??

It's cruel, CRUEL, CRUEL!!!!

I did NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. I wish you STAYED OUT OF MY LIFE!! BUT NOOOOO!!! YOU WERE TOO NOSEY ALONG WITH ALL THE _______WHO FELL FOR YOUR MADE UP STORIES!!! OH, I blame them too. They are just as much at fault as YOU ARE.

Funny thing is that THEY KNOW IT BUT THEY NEED TO PUT THE BLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE TOO!! Funny isn't it?? Are you laughing??

Thanks for being you, t. You're the best, you know that, right?

Dear T and probably PDoc,

Yet again....

Me

Don't understand why you won't let me have extra sessions anymore. What have I done?

I hope you are all called on the carpet for what you did to me. EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!! And there are MANY INVOLVED!!

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU EXPLOITED, HUMILIATED AND MOCKED ME!!

EVERY ONE OF YOU!!

The community is totally disgraced by your actions! A few nights in jail won't even shake you up. You need to spend a lot more time than that in prison.

NO ONE is above the LAW AS MUCH AS YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE!!!

Why can't I have you?

I realized everything I feel about you is how so many other people feel about you. We all need you for the same reason. A consistent, patient, and available therapist. That's it a therapist. I'd tell you this but it's soemthing you would glance over and not respond to. I wish it was different. I wish I was the only one who needed you this way. I'm not. What sucks is I'm sure everyone else that sees you wishes the same thing. I'm just another person the same as everyone else. We're not different. People. We're all the same. All of us. The same. Crave to be different, which is the same in itself. We struggle to be different to be seen but that only causes us to all be the same. I wish I was different to you. I wish I wasn't stuck in this therapy loop. I wish I could be comfortable with myself. I wish I knew who myself was. I wish I could not care about the others that need you and lump myself with them. I want to stand out but I want to be hidden at the same time. I'm so confused and lost in everything. Am I really special to you? Why do I need to be? Why do I need to be seen differently by you than you see your other clients? Why? Why did you create this connection? Why? It's painful and confusing and God this is so ****ed up.

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Dear T
Why dont you even check my messages?

Well, message sent. I decided if I was debating it I should just do it.

Why would people talk badly about me when I never hurt them?

(Not kids mind you, but adults)

I didn't mean for you to infer from my email that I actually want you to remind me of it in session. But I'm not going to tell you that. I suppose I can always decline to talk about it. I'm not sure I want to open that can of worms right when you're going away for a week.
Thanks for reading my poem.

Dear new t, I really hate the way I think about you so much after sessions. It doesn't help that you always text or email. I feel like you get me more than anyone. I wonder of you are a witch or have some mystical ability to see right into your clients soul. You talk about your daughter often and I am jealous of that but I am glad she makes you so happy and keeps you young at heart!

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Dear T- After two years of suffering over it, I am ready to tell you how I feel. The feelings I have for you are so intense and overwhelming. Just talking about the fact that I need to talk about them last session has opened up a lot for me. I'm hopeful that talking about the actual feelings could be the key to me feeling better. I've been looking for the answer for so long and I think that revealing my transference for you could be "IT." Please please be careful and caring with what I'm about to reveal to you. I understand it is likely something you have experienced many times with many other clients, but my life is on the line here. I feel like this is my chance to get out of prison and you're the only one on the parole board.

t,

i neeeeed you....

me

This is not fair! this is not fair! This is not fair! THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!

Not to worry. I will be with you until you do the right thing. You must know someone who can help you. I mean you know all these other T's. Isn't there one with common sense?

T,
I really wish you were here with me today. I've been acting crazy. I'm scared.

I am so tired but I can't sleep again because I am plagued by thoughts of what you did to me. You did it for years and YOU CONTINUED DOING IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY NOSE. YOU flaunted your relationship which rightfully ended because it was never meant to happen in the first place. You miserable low-life scumbag. I might expect this behavior from a teenager but it seems that is about the level of your mentality.

There is no logical reason for what you did to me so you must be sick. No T in their right mind would ever hurt me as much as you have.

T,

I don't want to leave you so soon. This deadline from my SO feels way too soon.

But I guess you won't miss me or care.

Old T - for the first time in a long while I don't know if I want to see you. Its not that usual nervousness, it is different. I think I am getting used to the idea of leaving you and I don't want meeting to stir everything back u again but I don't want this ending to be one of running away either.

New T. I know you said you didn't work at all on Monday, that you did other things, but I do hope you can find the time to reply to yesterdays email, even if it is just an acknowledgement. I hope you didn't read my 'see you Thursday' line as that I didn't need a reply.

t,

thanks for the supportive texts.... after those i feel strong. im not gonna take the drugs.

me

Dear T,
I could swear I told you that elephant story before, but maybe not. There was a lot going on around that time, or maybe I wasn't sure how you'd react, so I didn't mention it. The fact that you reacted the way you did today...huh. Probably good you're getting on a plane tonight and wouldn't be tempted to ask anyone about it (though if you're flying with your H...yeah, you'd probably say something to him, and he knows the other person in the story, so, hm...I mean, I know you'd keep my confidentiality, just wondering if you'd be tempted to toss it out there...and what your H's reaction would be. So long as you don't mention it to the other person, of course...and it was a year ago, so...I mean, maybe you've already tucked it in the back of your head, but the fact that you asked me if I thought it was just a joke...).

MC,


I think that pretty much sums up today's session. Oh, and,

Dear T,

I'm running. I am 39 years old and I'm running like a child. That last session was too much and so hard. A little too much vulnerability and I shut down and need to get away from you. I think I want you to see me but I don't want to show you. I get this dreadful feeling and my brain explodes. I wish this was easier, I'm so tired.

life is a beautiful lie

Well 30 days have been and gone and now only 8 hours remain. Why is this difficult? Why am I still hoping that you will turn around and say that your boss has changed his/her mind, that the charity will fund it, that we can continue to work together? Because you just seem to get it right, whatever that is. Even though I know that this therapy malarky is an art form and that we can never be sure what road we will take or where it will lead. I just know that I wish you could stay with me on the path.

I have no idea whether the decision I am making is the right one, how can I? I guess I will just have to try and stick it out and see if we (New T and I) can make it work, whatever it is.

The whole thing is so confusing I think I might ask you tomorrow if you think it really is necessary. Though I might not.

I might be tired in the morning because I can't see me getting much sleep tonight.