Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

I think that is a strange response from a T. I am questioning my sexuality, and though i've barely been able to talk about it with my T, she immediately talked about how she is completely accepting of LGBT people, and even said she switched churches to one that is accepting of gay marriages. I don't think I could EVER talk about sexuality with a T who answered like yours did. I'm sorry.

Where are you? Why are you not here?

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OMG, T....I can't believe I actually opened up this can of worms, on purpose...I am so scared, sigh, but I know it must be done. I hope you can truly help me figure it out, because I do trust in you a bit.

Thank you for being so supportive during this difficult time. I wish it made the pain of you leaving less but it doesn't. At least for another month and a half I can enjoy having such a wonderful T. Its a shame you got a new job. You are so good at being a therapist. I want you to be happy, even if it breaks my heart into a billion pieces.

t,

thank you for texting that you will support me through this. and for saying you arent going to refer me out. i was so worried that you were going to... because i have fallen back into my drug addiction and hid it from you for so long. from everyone. i outed myself and feel so relieved and ready to be sober again and not rely on drugs to feel good and to keep from feeling dope sick. i feel pretty sick, i hope it doesnt last long...

thank you T,,, thank you for not giving up on me when i give u millions of reasons to

me

When will I fully understand that even though we have a deep relationship you are just my therapist? I'm not family like I feel I am, as you created that. I'm a patron of your services. That's all nothing more. It hurts. Yet I feel nothing of it at the same time.

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Dear T,

It was wonderful to see you again after not being able to see you for three or four weeks. I missed your safety and comfort. I even missed the ratty low love seat where patients sit. One day I might sit on the extra chair and see if I like that better.

T I have been so scared. I feared I might never see you again. Weirdly, I had the thought that if I didn't make it...how could we process it? Ack!

I cried all the way, depressed about this n that, driving to therapy today. Then, when I got to therapy and you came out early to get me...I was soo cheered up...I stopped crying. My mood totally shifted.

T, you have been so great, saying I can call you at 2am if I want. You seem to understand my fear of sleeping...my fear that I might not wake up. You seem to understand matters of senior clients...and sickness and ...death. I'm only 60! Life doesn't last long enough. I'm nosy enough that I want to stick around to see what happens. Even if all I have is the feelings of safety, comfort and my positive feelings for you....I would like to stay.

This stroke affected my mobility and speech...and my ability to think, a little bit. I worry what the next one will take.

Thank you for being warm, genuine ...and understanding some of the things I am going through.

Thank you.

I'm not Christian but she is, and I live in a country where many Christians are against LGB and T people so I feel like I desperately need to know her personal beliefs.

It's hard enough dealing with LGBT-negative attitudes outside of therapy.

*offers hugs*

Thank you for being willing to talk about our rupture again. I've apologized profusely for my part but I still don't really understand why you made me feel so crappy and let me sit in it. It was probably the most rejected that I've ever felt in my life!

I know that you were angry with me but how can you say that your anger did not make you respond the way that you did? You said that you felt connected during that time, I felt like I wanted to leave and never come back! I just don't understand how we could feel so differently.

The other day when I asked if you were still mad at me, you had to think for a few seconds and then said that you weren't. I don't get that either, WTF were you thinking about during those few seconds???

Overall I really like you and hope that we can get back to where we were when I felt comfortable sharing things that made me feel really vulnerable.

Now that I know what matters to you, I see that it matters most to everyone around me. Male/female doesn't matter. They all think the same. Now my eyes are open.

t,

im feeling nervous to see you on tuesday. are you gonna look at me and think god what a drug addict!!! i feel like one. but.... i feel so relieved that i told you about it. and that its over now...i need to get thru the withdrawals. i know it will get better each day. i really regret starting this and doing it and keeping it from everyone...

me

Dear T,
I miss you! I know I just saw you Thursday and spoke to you on the phone on Friday, but I already miss you a lot. I can't wait for tomorrow when I get to see you.

Now I am going to spend all fortnight imagining you in a wetsuit.

t,

today is my birthday. i am 29 today. you texted happy birthday. i feel ok. i had bad thoughts throughout the night... would just wake up and think awful things and feel super anxious and weird. i managed to fall back asleep after about an hour each time. im feeling better withdrawal wise so far. i hope this year of my life i continue to get stronger. im glad i am not starting my 29th year on drugs. i feel hopeful. thank you for your support.... thank you always.... i dont know how you do it... if it were me, and i was my therapist, i would scream and tell me to go away!!!

me

Happy Birthday! I know birthdays can be tough. That's great that you're back off the drugs.

PLEASE COME HOME!!!!!!
All my triggers are being triggered and I really really wish you were here.

I still miss you.

Dear MC,
Thanks for the hugs from across the room today when I was talking about the stuff with my daughter. I really needed those, and I could feel them from your body language and your voice and your eyes. (I can't imagine what an actual hug from you would feel like, I'd probably melt into a puddle or something, so best that I don't know.)

It helps to know you struggle sometimes as a parent, too, despite having all the psychological knowledge. And that you think I'm doing a good job, even in the times I feel I'm being a failure. (I know H says that, too, but it's different hearing you say it.) And hey, you actually told a story about your son (and what sounds like an anxiety issue in him, too).

And I love that you told your family about my accidental "moron" comment last week and that now they're calling you that. It's kind of heartwarming in a really weird way.

But yeah, thanks.

The session was good. I got a goodbye kiss at the end. It meant a lot to me. Right now I'm doing okay.
Thank you for asking.

Hi Pdoc,

I'm nervous to see you tomorrow. It would be the last time. I wish I said last time could be the last time instead of next time. But it was so sudden. I knew it would end soon, but I rather hear that next time will be the last time. That way I can kind of prepare myself for it. It just feels better for me.

But now, after what has happen... I don't want to talk about it to you. I wish my mum hadn't called you. I'm an adult. I should handle these things myself. I want to. My parents had their chance when I was younger.
I don't tell you a lot. Actually I just answer your questions, that is it. I don't seen the point in telling you more, because you are only for meds. My mum told you some things on the phone, some things I haven't told you. Some of those she had wrong, what she sees and how she interpretate that. But she doesn't know what I feel and she doesn't know how bad I felt last year, before I got meds that worked. And she also forget stuff or get things the wrong way. Sometimes I have to tell my parents a 100 times the same thing over and over. Sometimes I don't bother correcting them.

I haven't lied to you. I'm afraid you'll think that. I just kept some things to myself. And some things I didn't brother telling you because we ate almost done. Like getting a new T. And starting college in September (maybe).

Tomorrow. I don't know if I can tell you that. I'm having a hard time talking to you because I still like you and I get nervous around you. Also, you're a man and a psychiatrist and I shouldn't trust you. But I kind of do. And that's bad.

I'm thinking about not going. I don't want to go, but I have to go.

Tonight I came to session happy and free from most of the last months' burdens. It's cool how much we laughed. We would have been good friends. You appreciate me, my essence a lot and this makes me feel sooo good.

I'm glad you're going to read the letter before the next session. I wonder what you'll think and what you'll say when we next meet.

Oh, little things like that are so great.

I told my uni therapist about this game I have with my best friend where she picks a pop song and I sing an "opera-fied" version of it (I'm a classically trained soprano). She was like, "That's fantastic!" and in the following session she told me that she had been listening to Elton John in the car that morning and she'd started to think about what those songs would sound like if they were "opera-fied".

That made me laugh. It makes you realise that you actually have an impact on their life in some way, doesn't it? Little things like that make me feel more connected to her, somehow. That's probably dorky, but whatever.

YOU threw me away. Let's NEVER FORGET IT. I know I won't.