How comfortable are you talking to your T?

I'm finding that I'm starting to shut down and not tell my therapist what I think. I'm getting to know her and anticipate what she will say. So, if I expect her to respond in a way that makes me feel unsupported or frustrated, I avoid talking about it.

It's not that I'm afraid of telling anyone, it's that I don't want to get all worked up, put it out there, and then feel unvalidated. Even if she's totally right in what she says, I need more support in the way she says it. If I had to put it simply I would say that she's tends to "correct" me rather than help me see things in a better way, or to cope more effectively. A lot of what she says boils down to "you can't tell the future", "you don't know why they did that", or "it's best to accept things." Well, yes, maybe, but that doesn't help me feel any better. I'm so frustrated. I want so bad to have someone I can talk to that is warm and caring. She's too businesslike and goal oriented. Seeing someone else isn't really an option right now.

Ouch. I'm sorry your therapist does that. Mine is very easy to talk to. She doesn't do that sort of thing at all.

How long have you been seeing her? Are you reacting to her in any way that you might have reacted to someone in your life? Did you ever feel 'corrected' by someone when you needed to feel validated? One can experience negative or positive transference. What you wrote made me think of how I reacted to my T when I was first experiencing transference. Just a thought...

I'm so sorry. That is really frustrating.
Not all therapists are the same, and it may take a while to find the right one. But since seeing someone else isn't really an option right now, what if you were to try telling her how you feel about the way she is responding to you?

I once had a t that felt much more like a coach than a t. It got to the point where I shut down and stopped talking to her. Then one day, I made some really bad decisions that led to bad consequences that she was bound to find about about. The next session, she literally yelled at for not telling her. Sitting there listening to her I got so worked up, my face was beat red, I burst into tears and told her exactly how I felt about the way she was doing therapy. It was an incredibly tense session. I told her exactly what she was doing that made it so hard for me to talk. She got defensive at first, but by the end was willing to work with me to help make it better.
Our relationship was never the same after that. It changed for the better.

Sometimes ts can be very predictable in what they will say, and how they respond. But a lot of times, the important part of therapy isn't necessarily what they have to say in response, but the fact that you are talking about it and not holding it in anymore.

It can be really rough to have a t who is maybe not the best fit, but stick with it, my dear. You will overcome.

hi walking ,
I'm very comfortable with my therapist .I can trust her w my private issues in my life . I tell my therapist what's bothering me that is causing my anxiety level to peak and she and I work on a solution to get it down . she gave me a list of coping skills to work with on my own in between sessions until I see her on February 11 . I don't have to call her up as much as I used to in the past cuz I have my coping skills to work with .





Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs at night for insomnia when up past 1:00 in the morning

Not a lot. The woman never understands what I am saying. I got her to stop talking because her responses were so off point and frustrating.

You know, I think I can sympathize with what it's like to have a T more businesslike and goal oriented than warm and caring. There were a few times in the beginning when he'd re-direct instead of wallowing with me..and, yeah, I admit to feeling disappointed and maybe a little misunderstood.

In the end, though, I think it's good that my T isn't warmer (he's not cold, but he doesn't exactly drip sugar, either). I don't think it really would have been good for me to have someone sit with me in my misery, and I think his professionalism kept me from forming an unhealthy dependency.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, just saying I think I get it and it sucks. Have you talked to her about this?

I do have days when I don't want to talk. I've been seeing him almost three years so I guess he's good at asking different questions to get something out of me. It was also good to see a second,female therapist for a while to get some stuff out that I'm not comfortable telling him. Although I can't see a female for too long, I start thinking they're like my mother and I shut down.

I've seen a few different therapists over the years, and I distinctly remember one who I didn't see very long at all because it felt like all she did was give advice / correct my thinking and beliefs. Some people probably respond well to that sort of thing, but I didn't. My current T is very accepting and nonjudgmental no matter what I talk about. He doesn't offer advice or correct my thinking unless it's a gentle reminder of something we've already discussed, and it never feels corrective in nature. He helps me look at things from different angles until I find the one that feels best for me.

I can understand your frustration, and I wonder what you think about talking to your therapist about these concerns. I think until there is some sort of discussion about it, it's likely not going to go away. Just my two cents!

Oh, Walking Man, that sounds really hard. It sounds like your T is of a CBT bent and is being a bit overly blunt with it? Do you think you might be able to tell her you need a warmer and more compassionate approach?

My therapist is very easy to talk to and he always makes sure that he doesn't try to impose his interpretation of events on me. I find his style of working so helpful and it's helped me so much in being able to stop being so self-critical and unkind to myself.

What you say reminds me of what Paul Gilbert says about why he uses compassion to deal with shame -- he developed compassion-focused therapy because he noticed that some of his clients with high levels of shame didn't feel any better from just understanding their negative thoughts - they needed to develop emotional resources as well - basically a sense of compassion for themselves. (There's lots more about it on the web, but here's one article What is Compassion-Focused Therapy? - Harley Therapy? Counselling Blog)

I hope that you might be able to talk to her and that she will adjust her style.

I am very comfortable talking to my T. I tell her everything that is bothering me. I still have some sessions where I shut down for like 5 minutes like my session today. It is very brief because I want to talk and get stuff out. My T is good at getting me to just get stuff out.

I hope you talk with your T and share what you have shared in this post. I truly believe that a therapist can help you the best when they know what is going on. Good luck to you!

Thank you all.

I've been seeing her for almost 6 months.

Yes, she does remind me of my mom. It's not as much her personally as her responses in therapy.

My mom was never available emotionally, she was never affectionate, and didn't give me the support I needed. My therapist understands this. I've never really had anyone who was there for me in that way. When my therapist tells me I'm thinking about something the wrong way, without sufficiently acknowledging how I feel, it just reminds me of my mom telling me how to fix my problem, or to just deal with it, rather than comforting me.

I know my therapist is quite willing to see me, and wants to help me in her way. However, I feel like that she is not there for me in a more personal and emotional way. I don't know how that works, with boundaries and all, but I do feel like I'm being kept a a distance in a way that seems unnecessary.

I have tried talking about it. I've tried explaining that sometimes when I'm in pain I express it in obscure ways, and I've tried being more explicit about how I feel. I tried telling her that she needs to be gentle with me. I've tried telling her when I'm frustrated. I'm afraid of being more direct.

She does better when I get more emotional and express myself in emotive terms, but she doesn't seem to help me to do that. She will ask me vague things like, "What do I want to talk about?", but I'm left on my own to figure out how to do it.

I am sorry you're feeling so frustrated and not getting what you need. It may not be transference, but once I acknowledged the transference with my T, s/he didn't act any differently, I had to figure out how to relate to T to get what I needed. That being said, it may not be transference - not everything that goes on in therapy is. Not all Ts, but most, will ask what you want to talk about; this is your therapy and they want you to dive in with whatever is on your mind. Try not to think about that beginning sentence...if you've been thinking about how invalidating your mother was, just say, "Mom didn't validate how I felt or what I did. That hurt my feelings." Or some such thing. It can sometimes seem like you're beginning in the middle of a story with no lead-in, but it's the beginning that counts. The story will tell itself as you go on.

When I was about a month in, I was struggling much like you are now. My T looked straight at me and said, "You didn't know therapy would be this hard, did you?" That was something I needed to hear; that s/he understood I was struggling. I'm just trying to get a feel for what you're stuck on so that you and your T can communicate better and you get what you need. My T won't take the lead in sessions - I'm on my own with topics to talk about. I hope with a little more time, you'll start feeling more comfortable and your T will respond as you want her to.