Frustrated about cancellation, but don't know whether I should be...

Hi,

My T sent me a message a couple of days ago, asking to reschedule (including the reason for rescheduling). It was a personal reason, not an emergency. Let's say something that I guess is more fun than talking to clients. Which I do understand, but then again... I don't.

I recently canceled a session too. My T's policy is to cancel at least 48 hours in advance. I always give a reason, even though maybe I shouldn't. And actually my reason wasn't an emergency either. Just rescheduling for my convenience.

Anyway, I'm a bit frustrated now. I know the cancellation policy works in both directions. If I am allowed to cancel, so is my T. But it feels weird. As if I'm second priority (which obviously I am). Maybe I have a problem accepting that. While I sometimes seem to see my appointments as my second priority too, apparently.

T always says I treat myself harder than I would treat other people. Guess that isn't the case here. It's rather the other way around.

How do you see your obligations and your rights to cancel compared to your T's rights and duties? Should both be able to cancel for the same reasons? I'm lost...

Sorry this is happening, Elk. I'd be really frustrated in this situation, too. I think both client and T are technically allowed to cancel for the same reasons, but it's still sort of lousy practice on the T's part and I wouldn't be pleased at all if my T rescheduled for something like a hair appointment. Particularly if I were hurting and definitely if I were in crisis.

Mostly I just don't see the wisdom in even telling the client the reason for the rescheduling. What's wrong with the vague but polite "I have an appointment" or "Something's come up"?

My opinion might be biased, though. I personally move heaven and earth to make my appointments, and while I'm not sure I expect the same from my T, it certainly is nice that he's consistent (consistently late, but still consistent...)

Sending lots of good thoughts!

I think the T needs to give consistency, I think she shouldn't cancel for anything other than an emergency. I do the same with my T, I don't cancel except for health or work.

Thank you. Yes, I agree. I'd rather not know the reason either. Then at least I could think it's an emergency... I guess I rather would.
Now it hurts way more to know this 'fun' reason. I really wonder why. It feels like saying 'you're not my priority', but very much... in your face. And also that, if T cancels for this reason, T could actually cancel anytime. :-/
On the other hand I like that T trusts me with it and feels she can tell me.

And that's maybe why I start to feel like maybe I caused this. T might have started to think that if I cancel for other than emergency reasons, I'd be OK with her doing the same too. Possibly...

You could always ask, but I wouldn't think so. I don't think T's adjust their cancellation policies based on what clients do.

Oh sorry, I didn't mean the policies, but the behavior. The policy is the same, but I can't imagine T's would randomly start to reschedule based on what they feel like doing that week. ;-)
It feels as if, because I gave myself the 'freedom' to cancel for 'low priority reasons', I made it ok for her to do the same.
If you know what I mean.

I think it's possible, sure, but I also think it would be bad practice if that were the case. She shouldn't be adjusting this type of behavior based on yours, either. It should remain consistent for all clients no matter what anybody does. I guess the only way to know is to ask.

Is there anything else that gives you the impression she's decided it's okay for her to cancel for non-emergency reasons? Does she strike you as the kind of person or T who would say to herself, "Elkino cancelled for non-emergency reasons, so I'm sure they won't mind if I do." ?

Not really, as far as I remember, the reasons in the past were always more or less emergencies. Until this one, where it feels more like this: if I would react bad, it would feels as if I'm trying to prevent T from participating in the fun thing. (Also why I feel bad she tells me the reason actually). Feels a bit like emotional chantage.

And maybe I get this wrong. Maybe T feels comfortable enough to trust me with the reason and to talk to me. Maybe she thinks we feel comfortable enough to reschedule if that fits better with our other plans. Thinks that flexibility should come from both sides. I absolutely don't know. But I don't think T would hurt me is she knew she would.

I don't think it's emotional blackmail--not intentionally, anyway. Maybe T DOES feel comfortable telling you the reason--heck, maybe she feels comfortable cancelling for a non-emergency reason because your cancellation let her know you were in a good enough place to postpone, to not be desperate for the session to come. Who knows.

Mostly I'd try not to overthink it (easier said than done, I know!)

Thank you very much for making me see things from another perspective. :-)
And I do think that you're absolutely right. It's not intentionally, because we have a good connection. Always did. It's just the inconsistency that must have triggered it and me not feeling comfortable with knowing the story behind it. I guess...

Great insights.

I would talk about this with your T at your next session. How the cancellation and reason for it made you feel. It's possible it wasn't just some random fun activity--like she might have said she was going to dinner with a friend, but it's a friend in town who she hasn't seen for years.

I guess it would depend on the situation. If it was a family thing that while not an emergency but important I would cut her some slack.. like a child was getting an award our something like that. Recently t contacted me on tthe day of an appointment to see if we could reschedule to the next or something. One of her close friends is end stage cancer. It was also this friend's birthday. Originally their group of friends gag planned to celebrate the birthday the previous weekend. However the friend was having bad. The day of my appointment she was having a good day. The group decided they should go celebrate that evening knowing they may never have the opportunity again. I rescheduled for the next day.

I would also be upset if my T canceled our appointments for anything other than emergencies. T's need to give there clients consistency. Thats the glue that holds therapy together in my opinion. My T has canceled on me but its rare. Once her son was in the hospital and the other she was really sick.

I think if T is consistent most of the time, she should be allowed to cancel for a personal day if she told you with a few days warning. She is, after all, a real person too and needs "mental health" days. I'm a teacher and even though I feel guilty when I take a personal day and leave my kids with a sub - sometimes I just need a break or something fun does come up and I want to use a personal day. I'd cut her some slack if she's consistent all the other times.